How Will I Show Up?

highest self

How will I show up?

This is the question I am pondering this week as I navigate my way through anxiety around the massive unknowns right now, flashbacks to 5 years ago which also was a very dark time, a hopeful belief that somehow all will be well and a deep desire to not lose who I am and who I most want to be in this time, this moment. The whole world has stepped into Cuckoo Luckoo Land, the place I’ve written of where things are not only inside out, they are upside down, outside in, twisted up and ever spinning. Eerily, I know how to walk in this place. Heck, I can even walk in this place as if I own it when I remember who I am.

I am a survivor. I am a traveler of the dark places of the soul. I am a writer who can find words in these dark places. I am a light for others who walk these dark places alongside me. I am a grounding rod for the swirl that threatens to spin us out of control. I am a mystic who can move beyond the veils of what is to see the possibilities of what could be. I am a woman who finds joy in the simplest of things. I am a believer that we are all far more powerful than we will ever know. I am a hope dealer who believes in the immense power of health and healing. I am a Warrior who does not allow the darkest places of Cuckoo Luckoo Land to ever completely forget how powerful and beautiful we all are.

So, how will I show up in this communal time of walking in Cuckoo Luckoo Land? I will show up as a Warrior for light, hope, and belief that we WILL survive this. I will show up believing we are all doing the best we can with a whole ton of uncertainty. I will show up sharing whatever glimmers of hope, health and healing I can. I will show up honoring everyone who is digging deep to be light bringers, healers and hope dealers. I will show up staying true to who I AM! ☀️

World, we have got this! 💖💪💖

Returning to MY Voice

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I don’t know even know how to start this musing.  The words are as jumbled up in my head as my emotions have been jumbled up inside of me for oh, about 6 months now.   Since August, when the bottom seemed to drop out from under my sense of who I am and what I want for my life, I have only written here one time.  ONCE!  That feels like pure craziness to me considering what a lifeline my writing has been since Russell died, the last time the bottom dropped out from underneath me.   I don’t know exactly where this musing will take me. I simply know that today, right now, I need to finally write something, ANYTHING, in the hopes that I might be able to begin the path back to listening to ME.

My writing has long been mainly about being the way to put voice to the things inside of me that I simply can’t hold within me in such a way to stay grounded. Writing has been a cleansing, a catharsis, a release of crazy intense emotions that simply need a way to move through my body.   While physical activity, being outside, and simply journaling can help with this too, writing a blog post and then sharing it publicly has been THE most powerful way for me to feel like I am honoring MY voice, MY dreams and MY needs.   It’s been an amazing gift that I have never, ever taken lightly.

There is much that happened in 2019 that nudged me towards the edge of an emotional abyss.   Really too many things to want to name here at this time and maybe never in a public way.   The letting go of Avalon and all that had ever been for me and that I still dreamed it could be was the final step that dropped me into more emotions then I knew were waiting for me to have time to focus on.  The past 6 months have been a very, very dark and solitary journey for me, one that I am just recently beginning to see a light ahead to begin to get out of this place.  I anticipate someday soon I will write more about all of this and what all has opened for me to explore but today it is about MY VOICE and the ways that I silenced here these past few months that I need to write about.

Even before Russell died and I started sharing my musings with the world, I believed that allowing myself to speak the stirrings of my soul as they arose was an essential part of living my truest self.   In bits and pieces throughout my entire adult life I have either written or spoken of deeper things.  In the past almost 5 years, I have written and spoken what is true for me without worrying about what others think or if they agree with me.   At least until these past 6 months.

Perhaps because of how lost and confused and alone and rudderless I started feeling, I began to allow other people’s opinions about what I should or shouldn’t share to matter. Very subtle messages I received, or interpreted, as “SHHH, don’t say that.” somehow filtered their way into that doubtful space of myself and took up residence.  I started worrying about looking weak and incapable.  I started obsessing about sharing anything except positive, forward motion kinds of things.   It fed right into some deeply rooted, life long fears and did a fabulous job of shushing up MY VOICE, MY MUSE.  Oh, I’ve written in journals, enough to fill three books in 6 months.  But sharing my story, my real in this time and in this moment story – nope not an option.

Combine that shushing up I’ve done to myself with the swirl of emotion grieving letting go of Avalon and the swirl of emotion reawakened about Russell’s death and the doubts about what to do next with my life and the feelings of loneliness and the reality of being a single mom and the stress over finances and the internal pressure I put on myself to be the best I can for everyone else, sometimes more so than taking care of myself, and walking with my entire family as my dad learns how to live with cancer and WOWZA it’s been a doozy of a time.

With deep, deep gratitude I am thankful that the light is shining brighter at the top of the abyss I have been in.   I am thankful that my Muse has finally said “ENOUGH ALREADY!  Your voice is YOUR VOICE and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks you should do with that voice.   All that matters is what YOU NEED to do with your voice.   It is time to shush your own inner critical fearful self and return to living YOUR story and YOUR life.  Let others take care of themselves and trust YOU!” I am grateful, grateful, grateful!

I have TONS of stuff to explore about me and what I most need to create my very best life for myself and my kids in the upcoming weeks and months.   I am making new choices and stepping onto new paths, many with lots of unknow factors involved.   But, it is feeling okay to do this, and I am even excited about the new things ahead, because I am 100% committing to living MY life out loud again and allowing MY voice to be the one that matters most to me.

In this time, in this moment and in every time, in every moment I will live out loud MY story, using MY voice.

Dear World, You May Keep Revolving

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Today was the first Big Day – anniversary or birthday or holiday – since Russell died 4 plus years ago that the driving thought all day wasn’t “World, WTF?  How are you still revolving? Russell isn’t here!   Everything should stop!”  It was the first Big Day I didn’t brace myself from beginning to end waiting for the crash into the darker, despairing side of memories. It was the first Big Day I didn’t feel the need at the very start of it to “rally” my troops and make specific mention of what is missing. It was the first Big Day that I just moved through my day with flashes of memories that brought only smiles, joy, love and peace.

Big Days are WICKED hard for people who are grieving.   And, those Big Days stay wicked hard farrrrr longer than the first year that the world seems to think is the “okay” time to grieve and be sad.  It’s incredibly hard to understand how the world doesn’t come to a screeching halt, when it feels like that is exactly what our hearts have done.  I’m at the tail end of year 4 and just now experiencing a Big Day as one I can simply breathe with love and joy through, without expectations that the entire world stop for the day.  4, ALMOST 5, YEARS!  And I am in no way the exception.

We MUST find ways to love people as fiercely in the years after that first one as we do in the first shocking one.  We must gently walk with people with compassion and patience until they one day walk through a Big Day without a thread of pain woven throughout.  We must allow people their own journeys, in their own time no matter where they are.   We must remember that grief has no time frame or blueprint for how to navigate through it.

So tonight Dear World, thank you for continuing to ebb and flow around me as I navigate this still new, often strange journey I find myself on.  Thank you World, for loving me gently, fiercely, unendingly as I dance my dance between joy and sorrow, dark and light, love and loss.    Dear World, you may keep revolving.

When you lose your mojo…

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Stream of consciousness writing is one of the things I usually reserve for my journal only.  As inspired as I usually feel when I write one of my musings, they tend to write themselves almost completely in my head before I put them into my blog.  Not this morning.   My mind has been such a muddle the past week or so and I have no clear idea of what sent me spiraling down into the land of muckity muck but there I am.   Stuck, not really caring that I’m stuck, and yet feeling ickity enough that I want out.

I’ve created some amazing things in my life.   I consider myself a successful, inspired, dedicated to going after my dreams kind of person.     I think I am resilient, creative, resourceful and can be hard working.   I can usually motivate myself to go after what I want but also love the support of a community.   The last few years especially I have done some awesome things, especially in light of the dark thread that has woven through our lives.

You know what though, I am tired.  I don’t mean physically tired really as I am finally getting enough sleep most nights.  I mean emotionally, mentally, energetically tired.  I mean to the bone tired. Actually deeper than that even.    I am weary of being strong, of going after bigger dreams, of working, of staying connected, of trying to figure it all out, of trying to be the absolute best I can be, of doing anything more than just being in each moment.  I am afraid I have not only set aside my mojo, but that I have somehow completely lost it.   I am tired.

This exhaustion is leaving me with such a pervasive “whatever” mentality that I actually feel like I am going backwards in creating the life I want for myself and my family.   Oh, I am still going through the bare minimum things I need to do to stay afloat but striving to really create a life of massive financial and time abundance – pfffttt!   That doesn’t seem to be happening right now. I’m too tired.

I don’t even want to think about or do the things that I know may pull me up and out of this funky place.   Because when I am just resting in the place of being tired and not sure if I want to be a massive go-getter anymore, I feel less tired.   There is a peace in that space.  And then, I wonder if maybe I don’t REALLY want to be a massive go-getter.   Maybe, I just want to find a job that has insurance and a 401k, so I don’t have to constantly worry about these things.   Maybe I just want to go do my hours and then be done for the day.   Maybe I don’t want to do the constant work needed to create new businesses, even though I love coaching and retreat facilitating.  Maybe I am too tired to be constantly dreaming, doing and creating.   Maybe I am too tired because I’m done being in charge of everything in my life and I just want to be a minion for awhile.

There are lots of maybes and lots of things to explore within this muckity muck place. While I am here I will do what I can. While I am here I will write all the muckity muck in my journal. While I am here I will be gentle with myself and trust that I won’t be here forever. While I am here I will try to just be curious about all that is rising up in me. While I am here I will do at least 1 thing each day that gets me moving just a little.   While I am here I will be grateful that I have my writing which provides some magical relief for me.   While I am here I will just be tired and focus on one thing at a time, without expectation that I do a million things each day.  While I am here I will love myself and know that I am doing the best that I can even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

A Little Secret

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I’m going to let you all in on a little secret, a secret that keeps me stuck in more ways than I can decipher even for myself somedays. I experience massive anxiety most days. I’ve always leaned towards being an introvert, but the anxiety I’ve experienced in varying ways since Russell died leaves me wishing desperately somedays I could be a hermit, on a beach, talking to no one for days on end.

When I’m with people I love being with them, especially if it’s my kids. When I talk to people on the phone I love the conversations. But, I’m not going to lie, I could seriously be alone in my house for a VERY long time before feeling any desire to talk to anyone. And it can take A LOT of psyching myself up for even one interaction.

I don’t feel the anxiety until I know I’m about to leave the house or make the phone call. And the anxiety eases fairly quickly once I’m actually engaged in conversation with someone. When I’m experiencing it, it’s like trying to walk through quicksand with wader boots filled with concrete. Some periods of time are worse than others but it can shift randomly. But always it’s there waiting to invite me deeper into silent aloneness.

Most of the quotes and memes I share each day are what I NEED to read just to keep myself moving. I WILL create my best life and my biggest obstacle is myself.

I’ve got this and so do you!

Sift through the jumble

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Because I no longer use food or Netflix to cover up my emotions, I am becoming ever more adept in sorting through the jumble my emotions can create.

Sometimes, maybe oftentimes, we have to step away from things we’ve become too twined around that we can no longer give our best selves to. We can get so twisted up inside ourselves energetically, mentally and physically that we can step dangerously close to becoming a toxin for the very thing we have so lovingly created. We can become the very thing we’ve worked so hard to keep out of our happy places.

Then, if we are really lucky, we can find ways to sift through all of the jumbled mess and begin to pull out the threads that no longer fit into who we are and who we are becoming. What an absolutely magical thing this can be as it leaves more possibility for joy and dream weaving.

My journey through letting go of being Avalon’s caretaker is just such a journey. My exhaustion wasn’t from the work of the farm. It wasn’t from the creatures. It wasn’t from the community. It was all from ME and my own unwillingness to say, for too long, I needed something different for me. My exhaustion was from battling myself and trying to ignore the rising new dreams. That exhaustion came dangerously close to pissing all over the magical things created in Avalon’s first 12 years.

Tonight, I stepped back into teaching kids with horses, which has always been one of my great joys. I stepped back in with my favorite young Avalonian, Allie, and Miss Penny, who seems to adore children. They were amazing together! As I watched these two really work at listening to one another I realized I can just BE happy at Avalon with horses again. And I can share that joy out of love and aliveness, not out of necessity.

I’m so unbelievably grateful for the things unfolding in my life right now, all because I said YES to losing some weight to get healthier. Little did I know 2 years ago how much I would gain in this complete health transformation for ALL areas of my life.

So, in addition to Transformational Coaching, I will be available to teach kids and women simply seeking connections to horses a few hours a week. Homeschoolers are especially welcome as I have lots more day free time.
Be brave and untwine the icky parts of your life that you are creating. When you do, you might just find the magic and gold buried underneath. 💖💖💖

Lion King

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Lion King kind of wrecked me. I cried off and on from beginning to end. Here’s why…

1. Not only was it the first movie Russell Peterson and I saw together, it was when I first admitted (to myself) I was irrevocably in love with him. And he was on track to be a priest so it felt a little doomed.

2. This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to watch it since he died.

3. The symbolism of life, death, purpose, passing the torch, and so much more has always been enough for me to write a book.

4. The dad dying tragically and suddenly, leaving his kid, is way too close to home.

5. The belief that we carry on the mission and the love of those who’ve died is powerfully alive as I strive to create a life in which I can bring change to the world. That was Russell’s greatest desire – to make a difference.

6. I just really miss Russ tonight as I had a great evening with two of our kids. That all of my kids still like and seek to spend time with me is one of my greatest joys and gratitude’s.

7. I know Russell would be so proud of the adults our kids are growing into and I hope someday they can really believe that too.

8. I feel emotional things so deeply sometimes, even if it’s “just” fiction. To me, who has a very active imagination, even fiction becomes real for at least a little while.

Circle of life! 💖💖💖💖