Who am I?

roulette

Who am I?

Maybe it’s just me, but I am constantly asking myself this question.  Constantly.  As I get older, I realize more and more how reflective of a person I really am.   Hmmm, maybe why I need days of pure quiet sometimes is less about other people and more about simply telling myself that I need to shush for awhile. Hmmm…

The last few years, the answer to this question has felt like a giant roulette game.   Just when I think the ball will drop into place, the wheel keeps spinning just enough to say “nope, not this one”.    Then, just as the ball settles into place and I start to feel like I’m settling into a new understanding, life spins the wheel again and the ball spins, spins, and spins.   At those times, it can feel like I may never be able to adequately answer the question “Who am I?”.

As disconcerting as this can be at times, there’s a wild excitement too.   I can feel a certain, pingy energy that permeates the world around me as I explore new understanding of myself.  The possibilities really are endless about how I can and will answer this on any given day.  My answers vary based on my confidence level in that identity, my current focus of reflection, and the spins of the wheel I am currently taking part in.

The spins of the wheel that can come out of nowhere aren’t always fun, but I’m getting better at just breathing while I wait for a new answer, a new understanding of who I am to settle in.  I can’t really do anything while the wheel spins anyway, so I might as well just breathe and watch it spin.

So, how do I answer this right now? These are the ones I am probably most able to say “Yes, that is who I am.” right now.

I am a mother.   My kids are ever present in my mind and my heart. Always!

I am a warrior.  Everyday, I am striving for more discipline to work hard and create my best life.  I am far stronger than I believe and I am practicing telling myself this.

I am coach – a coach for growth, for health, for learning, for transformation.   There’s little I love to do more than help guide people to find ways to grow in believing in themselves.  I’ve always leaned towards this identity and now I’m stepping more deeply into it.

I am a hope dealer and a dream weaver.   I am ever hopeful that we can make our dreams a reality, as long as we are willing to do the daily work needed to make it so.   I almost always can see hope, even in the midst of the darkest of days.

I am a community creator.   Together, we are so much stronger and there is great power to heal when we come together.

I am a writer who is deeply in love with the musing part of herself.

I am a widow.   This is still twingy to write but it is oh so true.

I am a phoenix widow.  A newer identity I am playing with as I experience myself rising from the ashes of my grief.

I am seeker.   I am constantly exploring more understanding of myself, my purpose in life and my experience of the world.

I am a person radically committed to her own transformation.   I am bound and determined to become the absolute best, happiest, healthiest person I can be.  That means I will do things every single day to understand myself more, to create new habits and to make the very best choices I can in each given moment.

I am a believer in magic.   This means play, glitter, bubble, a belief that dragons might really be real, and massive imagination.

I am a joy seeker.   I truly love to look for joy, even if it is just in little bitty pieces within the dark.

I have every confidence that I could continue to write more in answer to the question “Who am I?”.  It’s such a fun thing to explore.   But, for today, these are good to breathe life into and through.

How would you answer this question for yourself?

 

“Get over yourself already, Lara”

getbusy

“Get over yourself already, Lara!”

This is what I am repeating to myself over and over again today.   I’ve written it on index cards and posted it in several different places.  I will read it over and over and over again, for as long as I need to until I get my head out of the sand. Thought I was going to say something different there, didn’t you? LOL.   I almost did.   My head is definitely in hiding. So whatever image works!

I have never thought of myself as a particularly fear-filled person.  I’ve always thought of myself as one who sees the rays of sunshine and possibility and hope even in the darkest of places. I’ve thought of myself as one who seeks to spread positivity and encouragement and believe that for myself.    I’ve thought of myself as one who can stand strong and grounded in the face of adversity.

While I still think this leaning towards hope and possibility is true for and of me, it has become increasingly clear to me that I have allowed my deepest, dreaming self to get wrapped up in thorny branches of fear and anxiety that are twining so sharply around me that every move I make seems to cause them to tighten more painfully.  So for weeks, maybe even months, I have allowed this ever increasing fear and anxiety to leave me paralyzed.  I mean paralyzed into such a depressive, angry, terrified place that leaving my house seems near impossible at times.

Living out loud in this time and this moment – the profound commitment I made to myself about how I would live my life from the point of Russell’s death forward – has become like a shadow for me in many ways.   The more I feel anxiety around the Big Ass Leap I am taking and the fear that I am going to fail myself and my kids so hard we will end up with nothing I dream of, the quieter and more isolated I have become.   I come out of that anxiety in little, baby bursts of hopeful action; kind of like a dolphin coming up for quick breaths of air before diving back under the surface.  But leaping fully with trust into this new journey forward, with joy like a playful dolphin;  BWAHAHA  that just isn’t happening right now.

Instead, I’ve been locking myself up inside of my heart, inside of my head, and away from the world spinning around and around and around about every single thing that not only could go wrong, but also about everything that IS going wrong right now.   That fear just pours over me and through me and off me, as it twists tighter and tighter around me.  Except for those short bursts of confidence and remembering who I am and what I am all about, I am locked in a dark, thorny mess of a place with my inner critic who knows all of my red hot, “you are a failure” buttons all too well.  The terrifying, self-limiting talk inside of this place is awful.   I have felt so paralyzed by it all that I have stopped living out of my best self and have been living out of my scared self.   Ickity!

Today, I am saying “ENOUGH!  Get over yourself already Lara and start focusing on what could go right, that dream that you have to inspire the world and help people live their way into their best selves.   Get back to living it all out loud in every time and every moment, because that is where your gift lies.  Not in hiding the fear away but speaking it out loud so it loses its’ stranglehold on you.    Live it out loud all the way through into the life you are dreaming that is just waiting around the bend for you.   Be the fricking warrior already and stop being the wuss hiding under your covers.”

Well, okay!  Facing my fear, naming it for what it is, writing it out to release it and then focusing on my dreams of everything that can go right is what I AM going to do; because those dreams are fricking amazing and I know that it is a life I both deserve and can create.   Watch for a whole lot more musings  as I return to living out loud in every time and every moment without worrying about what others will think (one of the strangling fears right there.)  It is my life and my mission and my dreams and my hopes that are the only things I can really live.

Here’s to getting over myself and getting out of my own way!