Stream of consciousness writing is one of the things I usually reserve for my journal only. As inspired as I usually feel when I write one of my musings, they tend to write themselves almost completely in my head before I put them into my blog. Not this morning. My mind has been such a muddle the past week or so and I have no clear idea of what sent me spiraling down into the land of muckity muck but there I am. Stuck, not really caring that I’m stuck, and yet feeling ickity enough that I want out.
I’ve created some amazing things in my life. I consider myself a successful, inspired, dedicated to going after my dreams kind of person. I think I am resilient, creative, resourceful and can be hard working. I can usually motivate myself to go after what I want but also love the support of a community. The last few years especially I have done some awesome things, especially in light of the dark thread that has woven through our lives.
You know what though, I am tired. I don’t mean physically tired really as I am finally getting enough sleep most nights. I mean emotionally, mentally, energetically tired. I mean to the bone tired. Actually deeper than that even. I am weary of being strong, of going after bigger dreams, of working, of staying connected, of trying to figure it all out, of trying to be the absolute best I can be, of doing anything more than just being in each moment. I am afraid I have not only set aside my mojo, but that I have somehow completely lost it. I am tired.
This exhaustion is leaving me with such a pervasive “whatever” mentality that I actually feel like I am going backwards in creating the life I want for myself and my family. Oh, I am still going through the bare minimum things I need to do to stay afloat but striving to really create a life of massive financial and time abundance – pfffttt! That doesn’t seem to be happening right now. I’m too tired.
I don’t even want to think about or do the things that I know may pull me up and out of this funky place. Because when I am just resting in the place of being tired and not sure if I want to be a massive go-getter anymore, I feel less tired. There is a peace in that space. And then, I wonder if maybe I don’t REALLY want to be a massive go-getter. Maybe, I just want to find a job that has insurance and a 401k, so I don’t have to constantly worry about these things. Maybe I just want to go do my hours and then be done for the day. Maybe I don’t want to do the constant work needed to create new businesses, even though I love coaching and retreat facilitating. Maybe I am too tired to be constantly dreaming, doing and creating. Maybe I am too tired because I’m done being in charge of everything in my life and I just want to be a minion for awhile.
There are lots of maybes and lots of things to explore within this muckity muck place. While I am here I will do what I can. While I am here I will write all the muckity muck in my journal. While I am here I will be gentle with myself and trust that I won’t be here forever. While I am here I will try to just be curious about all that is rising up in me. While I am here I will do at least 1 thing each day that gets me moving just a little. While I am here I will be grateful that I have my writing which provides some magical relief for me. While I am here I will just be tired and focus on one thing at a time, without expectation that I do a million things each day. While I am here I will love myself and know that I am doing the best that I can even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.