Today was the first Big Day – anniversary or birthday or holiday – since Russell died 4 plus years ago that the driving thought all day wasn’t “World, WTF? How are you still revolving? Russell isn’t here! Everything should stop!” It was the first Big Day I didn’t brace myself from beginning to end waiting for the crash into the darker, despairing side of memories. It was the first Big Day I didn’t feel the need at the very start of it to “rally” my troops and make specific mention of what is missing. It was the first Big Day that I just moved through my day with flashes of memories that brought only smiles, joy, love and peace.
Big Days are WICKED hard for people who are grieving. And, those Big Days stay wicked hard farrrrr longer than the first year that the world seems to think is the “okay” time to grieve and be sad. It’s incredibly hard to understand how the world doesn’t come to a screeching halt, when it feels like that is exactly what our hearts have done. I’m at the tail end of year 4 and just now experiencing a Big Day as one I can simply breathe with love and joy through, without expectations that the entire world stop for the day. 4, ALMOST 5, YEARS! And I am in no way the exception.
We MUST find ways to love people as fiercely in the years after that first one as we do in the first shocking one. We must gently walk with people with compassion and patience until they one day walk through a Big Day without a thread of pain woven throughout. We must allow people their own journeys, in their own time no matter where they are. We must remember that grief has no time frame or blueprint for how to navigate through it.
So tonight Dear World, thank you for continuing to ebb and flow around me as I navigate this still new, often strange journey I find myself on. Thank you World, for loving me gently, fiercely, unendingly as I dance my dance between joy and sorrow, dark and light, love and loss. Dear World, you may keep revolving.