One of those days and I still won!

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Today was one of those days on top of several of those days on top of several of those weeks.  You know what “those” are right? The days that you just seem to be a swirling ball of emotional chaos.  The days that no matter how much you use your special, self care tools you just can’t seem to get yourself balanced. The days that feel like one land mine of challenges pops up and explodes every other step you make. The days that  you really want to hide under your covers and have someone bring you hot chocolate and soup throughout the day.  The days that you should probably wear a large, flashing sign around you neck that loudly warns people to steer clear or risk being drawn into the cesspool of emotions.  Yeah, one of those days.

I’ve been struggling with insomnia again for the past couple of weeks.  I’m awake from around 2:00am to 5:00 or 5:30 am every night.  It makes waking up at 6:30 for the day a real struggle.  This morning was even more challenging.  My dreams right before waking, of which I remember none, left me crying, full on bawling as I awoke.  Not a great motivator to want to get up to face the day when I am already sleep deprived and can’t stop crying.

I somehow forced myself to get up, get dressed, have some tea and toast, and get myself out of the house to go to work.  A little voice inside kept whispering – don’t give in and quit today; at least get yourself to Avalon even if it means working with tears streaming down your face all day.  So I listened to that quiet little voice and made it to Avalon.

The day was a roller coaster of a day with lots of conversations (many of which I cried through just because), silliness with the young people, snuggling with my pups, trying to figure out winter layering (coats on and off and on and off), horses being spazzes, vet visits, and on and on.  The hour I spent quietly enjoying Avalon’s new Sanctuary room with the sunlight streaming in helped start some rebalancing.  Hugs from several folks has helped too. Laughing about the goofiness of life and dreaming of running away to warm places helped too.

I feel tons better tonight than I did this morning and am also ready to just curl up under my lovely covers and go to sleep soon. Yes I know it’s still early in the evening, but hey sleep is a good, good thing for me.

More than anything I am just glad I pushed through today. I didn’t say anything to anyone that was awful. I didn’t quit anything. I was able to work and puzzle solve and tell stories and plan new things and laugh and cry and just be me today.  I’m feeling pretty good about that right now.  It’s nice to end my day feeling like it’s been far better than I imagined it would be when I started.

 

 

 

Honoring Our Love

I shared this post last year on this day – mine and Russell Peterson wedding anniversary. 21 years ago today we were married, although yesterday for some reason I was saying 26 to Demetri. It took me awhile to catch that wasn’t right. Actually it took Demetri asking if that meant I got married when I was 24 to realize 26 years wasn’t right. Maybe it just feels like more time has gone since he died than a year and a half. Who knows? My brain is interesting these days?
I knew I couldn’t write anywhere close to what I’d want to say this year. And I love what I wrote last year; it serves as a great reminder to me of how I want to continue to honor myself, honor Russell and honor the family we created by choosing over and over again to live a life of purpose, intention and seeking joy.
I think the picture I shared here is from Russell’s dad’s , Wayne, wedding to Barbara. I love the playfulness and the joy in this moment with Russell. It’s one of my all time favorite pictures of us and I just refound it when I cleaned my room. Hidden treasures!
Hug those you love for us today. Remember what drew you to one another and feel the love and joy again. Say I love you to all those you. Take the moments today to live the life you dream of living.
Happy anniversary Russell. I love you!

This time, this moment

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Today is the 20th anniversary of the day Russell and I were married.  It’s not that it would have been our anniversary.  Whether he is with me physically or not, it IS our 20th anniversary.  It is a day to remember the commitment we made to one another to live a life of love, light and hope.  It is a day to tell stories and be the same person I would have been if Russell was still here in this world with me.  It is a day to look at pictures, listen to music, and smile about what a magical day our wedding was.  It is a day to honor our love in the best ways I can in this time, in this moment. By stepping forward with new intentions for my life I honor the love Russell and I shared.
“I want to honor the love, not the pain…

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Unraveling of the rope

Sometimes, more often than not these days, I have experiences of the rope I am holding unraveling getting smaller and smaller, and harder to hold onto. Yesterday was one of those days as my daughter’s horse, Walter, had to be taken to the University hospital for the 6th time with an emergency.  Ever since my husband died in March 2015 this horse has been one of the lifelines for my daughter’s healing.  We’ve almost lost him several times as well in the past 14 months and it’s been a roller coaster of a ride.  All is settled today and we have a clear path forward for his recovery.  Yesterday though was an emotional mess of a day.

This blog post is really just a diary log of everything that I shared with my communities as updates throughout my day.   There are some patterns I am working to sort through, get cleared and try to release.  I want to remember insights from yesterday and this diary log can help be a reminder.

#1

Hi ho, hi ho it’s off to Mizzou we go.

Well it wouldn’t be a holiday for us without something with some horse going wrong would it? Definitely not in the past 4 years anyway. I don’t know what energy or lesson to be learned I am stuck in but I feel like I am in an awful version of the movie Groundhog Day.

Walter’s leg, that we just finished 3 weeks of treatment on, is blown up again and he is lame. We are headed to Mizzou today to test him for sepsis. If his leg is septic he will be having surgery today. If it isn’t septic he will return home today then go back there next week for surgery to remove the fibrous mass we had all thought and hoped would just be a non invasive eye sore, but obviously isn’t.

All healing thoughts and energy is, as always, appreciated. Kateri and I are trying to hold it together but it gets more challenging every time.   Honestly, I have reached the very end of my rope.  I am frayed, frazzled and unable to find much positive right now. Folks are saying ‘you will get through this; it will be okay.”  Well Yes I will get through it because I always do. But I’m done thinking it will be okay, because things just keep happening with us over and over and over and over again. We get through one thing, we start to make strides forward then bam we are jerked back into Groundhog Day I am starting to lose any joy that I’ve always had for horses and it is leaving me very sad.  I feel like I’m losing another core part of who I have always been.  I hold bit and pieces of hope that it will return but right now, in this time and this moment.  Kateri too is trying to hold it together but is walking a tight rope as well.

At this point I am holding onto all hope that we will bring him back today and that tomorrow WE WILL be with all of you with the farm, its’ horses and our angst stuff tightly locked away behind interior doors so we can enjoy the great delight of being with all of you.

Oh Walter!

#2

That moment when the person taking your Taco Bell order asks if you want the senior discount. I know I must look awful due to exhaustion but I guess I look worse than I thought.

On a good note my emotional state is getting better. When the lady at the gas station said to have a nice day I did not say “pffftt. ” Instead I said “thanks, you too.”Baby steps. I will take them. Almost to Mizzou.

#3

Walter update…

Exam including an ultrasound and a tap to draw out fluid of his joint as occurred. It looks like he has a hematoma in there. This is a better case scenario than other issues. If that’s all it is he will go home with some meds, have restricted turnout for 30 to 60 days, and only need more extensive treatment if gets worse. We’re waiting for culture of joint fluid to rule out infection then hopefully home. If no infection surgery at this time is unlikely;only if doesn’t get better. Whew!

On another note, we are talking through the whole holiday and horse emergencies reality. We figure it started about 4 years ago but why it happens most holidays is baffling. My newest theory is that it was about 4 years ago that I started arranging workers to cover all my shifts on holidays in an attempt to get a full break to spend time with my family. Perhaps I just need to plan to work some each holiday so the horses can all see me. It’s as good of a theory as any and will be taken into consideration. 😀

Thanks all for your support. We’re getting there.

#4

NO INFECTION! It’s restricted turnout for 60 days with icing the hock 2x a day. Fingers crossed that’s it!  On a positive note, they are returning, this bill was the smallest ones of his by far! And we weren’t driving in the middle of the night. Giant thank you to Nikki for driving us again. The 3 of us think our next trip should be to a beach. Lol. On our way home.

#5

Walter’s home and settled. Now his humans are heading home for hot baths, dinner and bed. WHEW!

Thanks for holding sacred space for us all day today. You kept us sane!

 

A few of the insights I had are:

  1.  Commit to Seeking Joy with Horses again – walks, sitting with them, grooming, breathing them in.
  2. Playtime at Avalon needed again
  3. Just a quick walk and breathe at the farm on holidays, humming Be Well.  Land and the animals need me in a way I don’t quite understand completely.
  4. Cutting cords and other clearing energy tools must be used DAILY
  5. Daily drumming in Sanctuary space

 

PLAY, PLAY, PLAY!  This is path to finding JOY again.  When I stopped focusing on the kids and teens I lost the element of play they naturally bring.

 

Gratitude will win!

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Despite my intense desire still to curse every other word gratitude will win today. Because overall I’ve had some great things happen throughout my day. I just can’t end a day in which I made several, more positive choices end with me blankity blanking all over the place.🙂

*My cleaned and deluttered room is a source of great peace and rest for me again.  I sat at my desk writing and reflecting for well over an hour today. I love the special feeling of my room again.Bliss!

*Not once today did I settle into my favorite,  living room chair watching silly sitcoms. The inner sloth didn’t win today.

* Demetri and I had a lovely time  together this afternoon at lunch. we had wonderful conversations .

*I continued with the plan to do baking for Thansgiving tonight. Demetri and I  made vegan/gluten free pumpkin pies as well as vegan/gluten free banana, chocolate cheesecake. Oh I also made vegan gravy. Yumminess!

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*I found dozens of things to laugh at today. There really is a lot of humor to ne found in chaos.

*I got to snuggle with my pyrenees pups tonight when we did a final check of Walter. They’re just such sweet pups.

*I have family and friends who love me.

*My house is warm, my truck runs, and I have  work I  believe in.

*My muse has awoken and is ready to write again.

I get ready to head into sleep with a quieter heart and deep gratitude for the many gifts of the day. I am sighing with relief for that quieting. Gratitude can still win!

I’m trying. I really am!

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There are sooooo many curse words that want to come flying out of my mouth right now.  I feel my Kraken swirling around inside of me wanting to protect me from more crazy ass shit flying around us.  I am trying to listen to her while also tapping into my other archetypal wisdom figures (ie Dragon and my Muse) who help balance out the dark, lashing, energy Kraken brings forth in me.

I am trying every single day (oops almost added some curse words in there) to move forward; to clear my energy; to make new choices for life; to find the positive in situations; to believe that no matter what chaotic messiness pops up around me I can find humor in it; to choose gratitude as my primary focus for my day; to not get sucked into the abyss of seeing only misery and wrongness in my world.  I am trying!

But wow, I am worn out by life right now.  Kateri’s horse, Walter, has problems AGAIN in the leg that just received weeks of treatment.  We are looking at another trip to Mizzou for more treatment.  We are looking at another Thanksgiving with some kind of horse emergency or critical care needed.  In the last 4 years every single major holiday family time – Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas – has brought us some crisis connected to the farm; except for maybe 2.

I am tired – emotionally, mentally, physically.  I am trying to tap into all of my healing, coping tools; I really am.  But wowza I am tired to an extent I can’t even explain.  I just keep thinking enough already. What the blankity blank blank do I need to do to get us the blankity blank out of this pattern?  What on earth is the lesson that I need to learn?  What will it take to stop the frickin merry go round I feel trapped on?  Maybe I am trying to hard and I need to just let go; but let go of what?

Pffft, I will find a better, calmer place tomorrow.  But for tonight I just want to curse, throw things and run the blankity blank away to Costa Rica where my phone won’t work.

The fact that I am still here, choosing to write rather than throw things, is proof that I am not only trying but that I am doing it I guess- I am somehow still going.  The warrior woman in me who imagines herself riding Karoly with a blazing sword in hand, her wolves (yes I imagine Willow, Tara and Hinata to be my wolves) at her side, taking on the world is speaking to me.  She says we can do it!  So I will try and listen to her tonight.

I write for me

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Somewhere along the way, I think in the last 6 months, I stopped writing for me.  I stopped just living my life out loud and writing my story because I needed to for my own healing and for my own growth. Oh I’ve started writing things, creating glimpses into musings, book titles and book outlines, but nothing has gone beyond glimpses.

Instead I started trying to write for others – to inspire, to inform, to share a glimpse into my journey.   I started spending more time worrying about if others would read what I wrote and would “get something” out of it then I did actually writing.  I have a good dozen blog posts started that just didn’t get further than a few lines.  I tried to hard to edit them as I wrote instead of just letting it flow out of me without worrying about how it would sound to others. They’re saved in my drafts just waiting to be finished; maybe someday.

That worrying, that focusing on others’ needs or interests, has done a fantastic job of shutting up my Muse.  The pondering questions I’ve posed to her like “What do you think will help others?”, “Will this get people’s attention?”, and “Do you think others even want to listen to us?” have acted as gags over her voice.  They have stopped me from living out loud in this time and this moment – the promise I made to myself way back when this twisty journey of mine began 20 months ago.  I promised to live my journey; write my story; be true what I needed for me; and I’ve gone back on those promises to myself in some convoluted desire to help others with my story.

Well here is what I need to tell myself and believe to the depths of my being so that I can return to living my journey; telling my story and being true to ME.

“I am writing this for me – to speak MY story out loud; to live MY life out loud; to try to release the tightness in my chest, the lethargy that wants to keep me glued inside of my house; to finally clear a path forward towards joy.  I have locked myself up inside of myself and can’t find a way forward, but I need to. 

I want to write MY story, Avalon’s story, Russell’s story – I just want to write. I want to create a book(s) and know that I have awoken my Muse, my dreaming heart to such an extent that She will never be lost again.

I write for me because I want it and need it. I write for me, not for the imagined people somewhere out there who might be inspired by me. I write to inspire myself, to believe in myself, to fully and completely love myself. That is why I write – because I NEED to for ME!

Writing brings me joy, love, purpose, desire to move forward, healing, and peace.  Writing is sanctuary for me.  It’s the way my dreams become real.  Writing is how I take back my life and make it MINE.”

Every single day I need to read this out loud to myself.  Maybe in reading this I will remember my promises and believe again that the writing and telling of my story for my own healing and growing is enough.  I am enough and deserve to write just for me.  Following the bliss I feel when I write is okay.  Letting go of worrying about others is okay.  Taking back my life and finding pathways to joy in whatever way I can is okay.

I can and I will write for ME!

 

I Stand in Love

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I miss Russell.  To the depths of my inner core, I am missing him these last few days.  Yesterday I walked around in a state of shock as close to the shock I experienced right after he died.  It took  me 15 minutes to get out of my truck at the end of my day because the racking tears I was shedding were too much for me to even get my seat belt off.  I just sat there crying and wishing I could talk to him.

Thankfully all 3 of my children were home and able to reach out to me as I stumbled out of the truck and into the house. Hugs, conversation and some m&ms helped take the edge off.  Naming my truth that I wanted Russell there to talk about the election and all its potential ramifications was what helped the most.  Russell would have had words of wisdom throughout this entire election process that I dearly would have loved to hear.  Russell loved history and governmental things to a degree I just couldn’t understand often, but I had great respect for.  Listening to him talk about current affairs with passion and knowledge was something many of us who knew him enjoyed.  My kids all were wishing they could have talked with him yesterday and I am sure there are many of our friends who were wishing the same.

Michelle Steinke, the One Fit Widow, nailed it last night when she wrote the following:

Yesterday was a big day and regardless of who you voted for, if you are grieving, you may struggle with significant shifts happening in the world, and you endure a kind of grief that is hard to understand and often unrecognized. It’s the idea that major things are happening around you and YOUR person is not there to talk about it with, to commiserate pain, to help you make sense of it all, and an added sense of loneliness in a big and often scary world.

Tonight, I want to validate and recognize that pain because it’s real, it’s daunting, and it’s frankly pretty awful.

There is much that has baffled me and set me on edge throughout this entire election process.  The depths of discontent with the state of affairs in our country crosses all boundaries; it’s one of the most common threads I’ve recognized.  There is much work ahead of all of us as a country to continue to grow and live with grace, respect, understanding, and love.  I remain hopeful that we can continue to find light in the midst of the darkness and that together we can heal and prosper.  I have to believe this or the despair would eat me alive.

For awhile I may need to steer clear of watching the news and minimizing my social media viewing.  My heart just hurts too much that I can’t talk with Russell.   Even in the midst of the loving circles of friends and family around me, I  feel too alone right now as I look around to ask Russell what his take is on things happening and then remember he’s not here.  This sharp pain will ease back into a dull ache with time, but for now I need to acknowledge that I just need some healing, quiet space.

Today I feel stronger and more ready to function again. Maybe the fact that I allowed myself to simply collapse into sleep before 8 pm is helping. Smile. Or the fact that I reached out to several people last night just to reassure myself I am not alone.  Also the fact that my muse is awakening and I am finding my words again; I have missed her!  And definitely because I deeply believe in the power of love to overcome hate even if it is ways that don’t seem very clear right away.

All I can do is MY part – share MY story; live MY purpose; make MY choices to live a life of love, purpose, respect for ALL people; offer Sanctuary space for those needing a safe place to breathe and be; and always, ALWAYS choose a powerful path of love and peace.  In this time, in this moment, in every time, in every moment I STAND IN LOVE!