I love that I have shared my blog posts on Facebook because then they pop up in my memory feed. This gives me a chance to read over them again and see where I am at now in comparison to a year ago.
It brought me great joy to read my reflections from last year about cave, rabbit holes, dragons and krakens. To be able to tap back into the wisdom of all these things through a new lens day brings new learning and healing. And it reminds me of why I love to write, something I’ve been letting slip again lately. It is time to return to writing everyday or at least as often as I can.
What a powerful journey I am on!
Hmmm, I shared this a year ago and it feels right to share it again today. Some of this, interestingly remains true for us. I actually think it’s all just good for everyone to keep in mind when walking through life. We never really know what someone is holding onto each and every day. I also know several people who have recently lost loved ones and this can be a good reminder to those supporting of ways to possibly help.
As always thank you for supporting me as I walk my path through life!
What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? This question rattles around us as those supporting us in this grieving time try to figure out how best to be present and help us in whatever way the can. It is a reasonably simple question and yet the answers are not easily pulled out of me. The questioning can actually leave me feeling like a deer in the headlights. Blinded by the sudden question and absolutely frozen in place with no answers coming into my brain; then I am dashing away to somewhere, anywhere else because I don’t know how to answer the question.
I wish I could easily answer the question when folks ask me what they can do for me/us. It’s not that I don’t have lots of things that we just can’t stay on top of that would be great to have others do for us. The list is…
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Today is going to be a magical day! Any day that you get to celebrate with friends the public commitment to their love is magical. When you also get to transform your farm, the place of dreams and sanctuary for so many, into a magical place for the wedding is even better.
It will be magical to create beautiful spaces out of ordinary things.
It will be magical to work with the fabulous community that is Avalon and SSPC as we do all we can to make Sara’s and Tolij’s wedding day all they dream of it being.
It will be magical to have their guests enjoy Avalon for the first time, in all its natural beauty and in the beauty we are creating.
It will be magical to sense Russell’s presence throughout this day. He would have loved meeting all of the guests, but probably most the ones from Germany and Russia. I dreamed early this morning that Russell was at the wedding, walking amongst the guests. Only I could see him and hear him, but he was there. I will miss him today.
It will be magical to have our first big bonfire of the fall, something that Sara and Russell shared a great love of. I don’t know which one of them loved sitting by the bonfires at the end of our celebrations more. All I know is they had grand conversations.
It will be magical to watch Tolij and Sara, one of the sweetest couples I’ve ever know, speak their love for each other. It’s been a joy to be part of their journey. Weddings help us all remember that love and joy are the best things we can all strive for. It is a time of feeling hope again.
It will be magical to dance and celebrate under thousands of twinkle lights.
It will be magical to work hard, play hard, laugh, and cry throughout this day. I am filled with deep gratitude this morning for all I have and that is in my life. For today I will strive to rest in the gratitude, love, joy and hope that is filling my heart.
It will be magical!
I feel angry. Straight up just pissed at the world. I think I’ve been avoiding naming that even to myself because I don’t want to be angry. I want to feel grateful for the many wonderful opportunities and people in my life. While I do feel grateful, it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning that a strong thread of anger is moving through me and getting a little bit clearer every day. I feel like a bug zapper that is on all of the time ready to zap whatever or whoever comes close.
For the vast majority of my journey the past year and a half I can honestly say that anger has not been a very strong thread of emotion for me. Sadness, confusion, a constant achiness, frustration at times – all of these have been present. But real anger hasn’t been. I’ve left myself open to feeling a wide array of emotions and try to be mindful of the ebb and flow of it all. Anger has not been a large part of my journey, until recent months. Whacko how these things can pop up out of nowhere, or at least seemingly out of nowhere.
Just writing these words out loud – I feel angry – make me want to reel it all back in. My mind immediately is trying to counter act all angry thoughts with ones of love, gratitude, peace. “Reel it in Lara. Take it back. Speak happy words. Blah, blah, blah.” My body shakes, my heart races, my mind wants to explode as I struggle the truth of those words”I feel angry.” I want to shut myself up and lock it all away, hiding under my covers until who knows when.
And then the more real self, that one that is sometimes very deep down, the one who my Muse speaks for says “Ah, yes, here is the next step of your healing. This too is okay to speak out loud. Speak your truth, heal your heart, find your way and light your path.” Ack, I am about to start sobbing as I write this sitting in the waiting room of Demetri’s orthodontist. I feel like I am starting to pull back some partially healed over wounds that are festering and growing under the surface. I simply hope I can continue to write in this moment without slamming my laptop shut and running screaming from the room. Wouldn’t that be fun for folks to watch?
I’m going to try and write without editing as I go. Just going to speak it all as it comes into my mind. Before I allow my defense mechanisms to divert myself from today’s calling to live out loud here we go…
*I feel anger, or least a consistent resentment, about almost everything in my life. Nothing feels right and I am pissed that even those things that used to be filled with great joy and passion for me feel stupid and pointless.
*I feel annoyed by so many interactions with the people in my life. I start things off just fine, feeling good about life, and then these bursts of prissiness rise up in me and I feel myself lashing out. Over the absolute stupidest of things, things of little consequence can trigger the most extreme feelings inside of me. And then as the prissiness rises up in me again others, I feel frustrated and angry with myself for feeling or acting pissy. It’s a vicious cycle.
*Being with my kids or writing are the two things that seem to be (not really trusting my perception at the moment) just good and easy for me. I can feel angry for my kids if I feel like others are overstepping boundaries with them but I don’t feel angry at them. And writing is one of the best things I do. I do experience resentment towards anything and anyone that pulls me away from my kids and my writing. I even feel resentment against myself when I draw myself away.
*I feel angry that I just can’t seem to get my shit together. I make strides forward, or think I do, and then I slip and slide backwards.
*I feel angry that what used to be one of my deepest passions in running Avalon now feels just like a job. I barely care that I get to daily be with horses and fantastic people. I know that it is a great gift that many would love to have but I just don’t care most days. And that loss of joy pisses me off. Avalon has brought me so much joy and peace over the years that to have it just feel like one more thing I “have” to do is crappy.
*I feel angry that I get glimpses of what might possibly help me let go of this prissiness and lead me on a path of joy but then rallying the energy or motivation to follow those glimpses is just too much.
*I feel angry that I have so much clutter in my life – in my house, at the farm, in my head and heart. I don’t want it there but the thought of clearing it all is beyond daunting.
*I feel angry that Russell isn’t here. I don’t think I’m angry at him, at least at a first deeper glance it doesn’t feel like it’s anger towards him. I am 100% sure he wouldn’t have chosen this path. More I feel angry at the reality that we won’t have the chance to continue our journey together. We were starting to heal the hurts between us and start a new path of loving commitment to each other. And now it’s gone.
*I feel angry that I feel so angry right now. That makes me laugh out loud at the sheer silliness of the statement.
*I feel angry at the lack of rhyme or reason to grieving. Just when I think I’ve moved through most of the “stages” I’m reminded that the stages aren’t linear and things will continue to pop up for years to come. That annoys the shit out of me some days. I want to just “be done with it already.” Bwahaha!
*I feel frustrated and sometimes very mad at myself for feeling so stuck and rudderless. Seriously I ask myself on a daily basis “What will it take for you to just do it and pursue something of meaning? When will you just leap?” Maybe I’m waiting for something, anything to start jumping up and down yelling “Here, leap to here! Try this.” I feel pissed that nothing grabs me with such joy anymore.
There! I’ve said all that has come into my mind as I write today. My deepest hope today is that living this piece out loud will help heal another layer of me, that writing this will cause the wounds to stop festering as I honor the darker truths. Anger is part of the grieving/process. It’s also just a part of life. Learning to allow myself to speak things out loud is a lifelong goal. Accepting anger as one of the emotions I feel and listening to what wisdom is behind that emotion is essential for me to do. To live a life of joy and love, I must release the festering parts of myself so that I can live my life whole and healed.
It is time!
It is time!
It is time!
I wrote this in my journal first thing this morning. I went onto have this be a thread throughout my day as I reflected upon what this means for me. After conversations with a couple of friends, my life coach and lots of reflecting I’ve come to a few ideas.
What “it” is I don’t really know but I feel something rising within me, just about ready to be born. Something is wanting to be created NOW. But what?
Start something, anything – JUST START! It’s time to stop trying to have everything figured out ahead of time, have the outcome clearly in my mind’s eye, and just do something already. In order to crack open my heart I’ve got to just do it, do anything, just start!
As a perfectionist, who does try not to embrace becoming obsessed with getting things just right before acting, I get myself stuck all of the time. I want to have all the pieces of the puzzle in place before I share it with everyone. I have a vision of what things can or should look like and that vision can keep from taking simple steps forward. Until I see the how I can stop myself from doing anything at all. So I keep picturing possibilities without acting on any of them. Stuck!
Writing increases my mindfulness so that I no longer feel numb or asleep as I move through life. Writing daily helps me to pay attention to what is happening in the here and now as I become curious about what will grab my attention enough for my Muse to awaken and begin to speak.
So I need to just do “it” whatever the it is that calls to me each day. Even if that means doing something I haven’t completely envisioned how it will turn out. A friend said to me today as we were talking about all of the retreats/workshops I could lead but I stop myself because I worry I don’t known enough yet (not perfect), “Just embrace the shitty. Just do it even if it’s shitty the first few times out. Focus on what’s simple and fun and don’t worry about the outcome.” Only by doing it can I get any better and actually figure out what most brings me joy. It’s okay to not have it be perfect before I present it. Gasp!
Well isn’t that a fun new mantra for a perfectionist to try out “Embrace the shitty”? What a freeing thought it is to let go of any obsessive commitment to the outcome (life coach addition to the day long conversation with myself). Embrace where I am and let go of the rest. It would mean digging deep and not allowing my desire to have it all be perfect before presenting it to others be what is my highest truth. It means believing wisdom can come to others even if I don’t have all of the answers.
It’s definitely worth trying if it can help me just do it and start to take new action with something, with anything. It won’t hurt anything to simply start trying out all of the dozens of ideas rambling around inside of my head. And it may actually be a lot of fun to play with possibility rather than getting stuck in perfection.
It is time!
It is time!
It is time!
Why oh why do we not do the things that bring us the most joy more often? Why do we put off the things that energize us, that inspire us, and that make us smile? Why do we spend our days longing to spend even just a little time following our bliss? Why do we insist on filling our days with only the things we have to do, leaving no time for the things we most want to do? Why do we not love ourselves enough to say yes to seeking joy?
I’m pretty sure if I could come up with the answers to all of these questions I could radically change my life. Or at least get closer to clearing out the things that block me from saying yes to me. And as I get clearer I could spend more time each day seeking joy.
Tonight I rode one of my horses, Karoly, for the first time in 6 to 8 weeks. Now the silliness of it is that I own/manage the horse boarding farm where I keep him. I see him at least 5 days a week. I could be riding for even a little while everyday I am there. But I don’t.
My heart filled with this singing kind of peaceful joy as I rode him bareback tonight. I felt the stress I’ve been feeling melt away a little bit more with every step he took. My breath slowed and deepened as I allowed myself to drop into sync with him. I laughed and chatted with my student as she rode alongside of me. I allowed myself to just simply and very profoundly be in the moment for a good hour.
What if I did this everyday? Would I be able to flow better through the rest of my life by giving myself permission to ride everyday? Would I maybe get more done by fueling myself first? I’m betting I would experience a great deal more peace and joy if I spent more time on the back of a horse.
I am feeling very grateful that I had this gift of time with Karoly tonight. I begin my settling into sleep with a smile on my face thinking of this lovely time. Oh what a gift!
If someone came to me inviting me to race dragons in the moonlight I would laugh with glee and race out the door ready to fly away. I would barely stop to take a breath before jumping onto a dragon’s back. Oh the wonder and joy at just the thought of this!
Dragons and imagining them as real is part of Wonderland for me – the place where all things of joy, hope, peace and wonder are possible. Wonderland is the place of dreams come to life. It is the magical place of walking, and flying, as a whole, healed person.
Wonderland is the opposite of Cuckoo Luckoo Land. Cuckoo Luckoo land is the place of dark and twisted paths. It is the place I dropped into when Russell entered the hospital and still travel into at times as I heal from his death. In Cuckoo Luckoo Land up is down, in is out, left is right, nothing is as it should be. There is much wisdom to be gained while traveling in this place but the drops into it are truly like stepping into a rabbit hole and sliding down a windy slide with the speed of light.
Wonderland is the place of light, open skies, peaceful winds and freedom. Just today in reading this lovely dream of a picture I have named that place I go inside myself where I feel at peace and feel ready to fly on a dragon. Wonderland it is; the place where I believe dragons are real and I picture myself riding one to healing. All things are possible here and I believe that I can transform my life into one of Joy. Ahhh Wonderland.
I’m going to play with creating a picture board of what Wonderland looks like to me, calling in all of the magic of that place to me. I want to invoke the light, laughter, love, healing and joy I imagine as I picture myself flying on my dragon under the moonlight. I may also as I play with what the wisdom of Wonderland holds for me create another board revealing what Cuckoo Luckoo Land means to me. There is wisdom in the dark paths I travel when I am there.
I cannot, in all honesty, have one without the other. They are both part of my dance; the light and the dark, the grieving and the healing. For tonight, I will go to sleep dreaming of someone coming in the moonlight with my dragon. Oh do I want to fly to Wonderland!