Cuckoo Luckoo Land – Dream Weave Coaching

Cuckoo Luckoo Land – I’ve Walked Here Before

March 31, 2020March 31, 2020WarriorLara

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I am not stronger than you. I am not living with some magical power special only to me. I am not doing “okay” because I live in a fantasy world. I am not better than anyone else out there trying to make sense out of what is happening in our world right now. I am no less afraid than others who are doing all they can to keep the demons at bay. I feel no less in control or less helpless than many of us are feeling. I feel no less confused and spun around like a top out of control than anyone else.

I am feeling hopeful because I have walked this road before. We are all, as an entire world, in the middle of Cuckoo Luckoo Land, in the most radical experience of collective shock, loss and grieving the world has probably ever witnessed. We are all in the place I described so long ago when I first stepped into the rabbit hole with Russell that dropped me into a dark world. It’s like Alice’s Wonderland only wayyy darker and more confusing. What I wrote 5 years ago of my experience of this place after Russell got sick and died is eerily true of what our world finds itself collectively living in today.

In Cuckoo Luckoo Land, not only are things bizarre and weird, but even the most joyous of events like birthdays and holidays are twined up with pain, confusion, and grief. It is such a bizarro place. What’s up is down. What’s in is over. What’s under is out. What’s out is in between. There are no clear opposites. There is no straight forward path to get from here to there. There is a little of everything in life – light, darkness, pain, joy, hope, despair, love, loss – and you never know which you will find as wander the dark, twisty paths of this place. It’s simply Cuckoo Luckoo!

Walking along through life, in this new reality, we don’t know where the next rabbit hole might be. Just when we think we have a “new normal” figured out, the world spins and down the hole we go again. These are the hidden places that we drop into, often sliding as fast as lightning down into a warren of twisted up paths. The trip down into a hole feels like someone suddenly and without warning has pushed us down a really steep slide greased with oil. It is almost impossible to do anything on this slide but breathe. In this space we can feel like we must be on hallucinogenic drugs, as everything is very, very twisted up and confusing in this space. Following one path that seems to be going forward can lead to a multitude of paths going in every direction.

Am I less afraid and more awake because I am stronger than you? NO. I feel less afraid and feel more awake because this Land is soooo familiar to me. I know that those dark corners just around the bend don’t necessarily hold more things to fear, but might actually hold the answers we just can’t see yet. The whispers in the dark aren’t always the demons of our fear and our nightmares. Some of those whispers in the dark, are the wisdom and warrior parts of ourselves seeking to remind us that we are far stronger than we’ve ever imagined.

I walk this time with confidence because I know, I mean REALLY KNOW, that I can survive walking through this place and even find ways to thrive. I believe I walk with less fear strangling me each day because I was offered the gift of grieving within a community and surrounded with abundant love for so long that my heart felt like it was that love acting as a light to lead my way through the dark paths of Cuckoo Luckoo Land. I have walked this place before and survived what once seemed unimaginable to survive.

Am I afraid? Oh yes, I am. The thoughts of fear about $, getting sick, others getting sick, when will the answers come, how long will this last, etc., etc. niggle at my mind and my heart. When those fears take hold of me I escape to Netflix or scrolling Facebook and Pinterest, or eating too much. But, do I know I can survive my fear? OH HELL YES! I stand in this knowing I am a Warrior for love and hope BECAUSE I have walked in Cuckoo Luckoo Land before and I have come out the other side.

I didn’t survive because I was stronger than anyone else. I survived because I have gathered tools and wisdom along my life journey that could help me navigate through the darkest of paths. I have learned to feel my feelings and focus just on my breath alone until I have the strength to move forward to the next place. I know the power of being willing to give and receive love and help from others along the way. I know how to listen to what feels okay for ME and tap into what is good and tap out of what isn’t without feeling the need to explain why to anyone.

The journey we are on is not a straight forward one. It will twist and turn and flip us all around as we learn to navigate this new reality. We will move through shock and fear and anger and helplessness and joy and determination sadness and hope and loss and defeat and gratitude and grief and love, over and over and over and over again. Slowly but surely we will learn how to survive in this cuckoo luckoo space of time. We will figure out how much we need each other and how strong we really can be. We will walk this road together.

Though radically different circumstances, I have walked this road in Cuckoo Luckoo Land before and I have come out the other side. The path ahead of us maybe a very long, twisty, dark one but I am ready to walk with you every step of the way, sharing my tools with any who want them. I believe in our strength and our resilience and can see the glimmers of light on the other side. I believe we are not alone and that we will one day walk out of this place. I believe because I stand here having survived this place before.

How Will I Show Up?

March 22, 2020WarriorLara

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How will I show up?

This is the question I am pondering this week as I navigate my way through anxiety around the massive unknowns right now, flashbacks to 5 years ago which also was a very dark time, a hopeful belief that somehow all will be well and a deep desire to not lose who I am and who I most want to be in this time, this moment. The whole world has stepped into Cuckoo Luckoo Land, the place I’ve written of where things are not only inside out, they are upside down, outside in, twisted up and ever spinning. Eerily, I know how to walk in this place. Heck, I can even walk in this place as if I own it when I remember who I am.

I am a survivor. I am a traveler of the dark places of the soul. I am a writer who can find words in these dark places. I am a light for others who walk these dark places alongside me. I am a grounding rod for the swirl that threatens to spin us out of control. I am a mystic who can move beyond the veils of what is to see the possibilities of what could be. I am a woman who finds joy in the simplest of things. I am a believer that we are all far more powerful than we will ever know. I am a hope dealer who believes in the immense power of health and healing. I am a Warrior who does not allow the darkest places of Cuckoo Luckoo Land to ever completely forget how powerful and beautiful we all are.

So, how will I show up in this communal time of walking in Cuckoo Luckoo Land? I will show up as a Warrior for light, hope, and belief that we WILL survive this. I will show up believing we are all doing the best we can with a whole ton of uncertainty. I will show up sharing whatever glimmers of hope, health and healing I can. I will show up honoring everyone who is digging deep to be light bringers, healers and hope dealers. I will show up staying true to who I AM! ☀️

World, we have got this! 💖💪💖

Step away from the rabbit hole

March 25, 2019WarriorLara

Early on in my grieving/healing journey I wrote often of my drop into Cuckoo Luckoo Land. It was the land I believed I stepped into the day Russell went into the hospital for a still mysterious reason. I stayed there through his week of hospitalization and then for months after his death as our kids and I wandered around in shock and sorrow.

In Cuckoo Luckoo Land things are even more bizarre than in Alice’s Wonderland. Not only are things bizarre and weird they, but even the most joyous of events like birthdays and holidays are twined up with pain and grief. It’s such a bizarro place. What’s up is down. What’s in is over. What’s out is in between. There are no clear opposites. There is a little of everything in life – light, darkness, pain, joy, hope, despair, love, loss. It’s simply Cuckoo Luckoo.

Most of the time now, I no longer wander in that land. My healing journey has slowly and steadily brought me out of that space which I am very grateful for. But every once in awhile I can feel myself inching closer to there. What I discovered last week is that I will sometimes start seeking the hidden door that would drop me down in there again. As memories pop up on Facebook around this time it’s super easy to get sucked back into Cuckoo Luckoo Land as I remember all of that crazy first 6 months. I read one thing and next thing I know I’m reading dozens and crying my way through my day.

I did that goofy, open the door to the memories and Cuckoo Luckoo Land several times last week, getting pulled deeper and deeper into the depressive dark places. It really sucked considering there were some gorgeous, sunny days and I didn’t want to leave my house even for the sun. Finally after a few days of that, which included some emotional eating, I said enough and stopped reading the Facebook memories. Well now, what a fascinating thing. I stopped slipping and sliding as much through my days.

So often we simply can’t stop ourselves for just taking a peek at the memories from the past, no matter how painful they might be. For me that can take me way too close to stepping into Cuckoo Luckoo Land and I’ve just got to STOP! I experience enough pop up memories and grief bursts that I don’t need to go seeking them out.

I’m in control of what I look at and what doors I choose to open. That’s what I am remembering and embracing this week! I really can say no to reading all of those things in the past and say YES to staying in THIS time, THIS moment. Hmmm, taking my own wisdom advice might be a good thing.

You Don’t Know

November 16, 2018November 16, 2018WarriorLara

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Ooh, my Muse has awoken with a suddenness that has left me kind of stunned this morning. Usually, I get an inkling that I’m moving towards writing something. Not today. One moment I was getting ready to leave for my day and the next the words started writing quickly and fiercely and rawly in my head. I listen to that Muse and act upon her invitation to heal.

“You Don’t Know”

Unless you have walked a path similar to my own, experiencing the sudden death of a loved one you don’t know, nor should you, the steps of this twisty path I wander.

You don’t know what it is like to go from one moment to the next wondering what might trigger sudden, unstoppable tears.

You don’t know what it is like to seek to find goodness and joy in life simply to hold onto it as a beacon of light against your own inner darkness which threatens everyday to suck you into it permanently.

You don’t know what it is like to think you’re making good decisions, the best that you can in any given moment, and then days, months, years later be racked with guilt because what if they weren’t the right decisions.

You don’t know what it is like to try desperately not to play the “what if” game over and over again.

You don’t know what it is like to want to be around people then as soon as you are want to be alone.

You don’t know what it is like to pick up the phone to tell your person something great or something tragic and then stand there, with phone in hand, wondering what to do when you remember they are no longer here.

You don’t know what it is like to hug your kids because they still just can’t understand what has happened.

You don’t know what it is like to live with the memory of having been the one who had to make the final decision and sign the papers to let your loved one go.

You don’t know what it is like to want to give your kids the best gift you can, knowing deep down nothing will ever be enough because you can’t give them back what they have lost.

You don’t know what it is like to go from abundance to scarcity to abundance to scarcity over and over again as you try to figure out your life now suddenly alone.

You don’t know what it is like to have to ask people for help for things you should be able to do on your own but simply can’t right now.

You don’t know what it is like to seek new avenues of growth and healing that seem to click but then fall through as one more dead path forward.

You don’t know what it is like to feel like a failure for no clear reason but you just do.

You don’t know what it is like to want to keep your kids as close to you as possible while also cheering them on as they grow and find their own, very uniquely separate paths from you.

You don’t know what it is like to think “Hey I feel pretty good right now and I’m rocking life.” to then have the next moment feel like you’ve fallen off a cliff and you’re stuck in cuckoo luckoo land again.

You don’t know what it is like to no longer love holidays or birthdays or special celebrations no matter how much you want to.

You don’t know what it is like to think “I’m getting my new life together and things are looking good.” then just days or week later wonder how things could be so far from that.

You don’t know what it is like to have grief settle into your body like lead as your grieving heart seems to infuse every muscle, bone, and tissue.

You don’t know what it is like to want to try new things but also be afraid of getting hurt because you’re all that’s left for your kids.

You don’t know what it is like to begin the process of transformation, celebrating every aspect of new life, new dreams, new goals and feel sadness because you can’t celebrate with your love.

You don’t know what it is like to have so much that was left unspoken, unhealed, and undone and struggle to let all of it go.

You don’t know what it like to watch your kids struggle with the same.

You don’t know what it is like to want to live a life focused on gratitude, joy and light and also have your heart remind you that darkness and grief are part of the ongoing dance of life.

You don’t know what it is like to want to work hard and create wonderful new things but you can barely get off the couch still somedays.

You just don’t know.

Not Enough Words & Too Many Words

March 3, 2017WarriorLara

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There is so much rambling inside of my heart and head right now that I find it near impossible to find the words I want to write, no that I need to write. No words seem adequate and yet there is too much I want to say as well.

For the past 24 hours I’ve been in deep shock, a shock as deep as the night that Russell died. Rocked to the very depths of my being, I have been curled up in a ball crying and shaking and reminding myself to breathe, Just Breathe! I stepped back into another rabbit hole last night and have been traveling the twisty paths of Cuckoo Luckoo Land – that place where things just make no sense.

Last night we received word that Ayanna, my life coach, my mentor, my most trusted confidant, and my lifeline for the past several year died on Wednesday after a battle with cancer. From the sounds of the information from her husband it was a very brief battle of just a few months. Considering I hadn’t seen her for about 7 weeks, knew nothing of her cancer, she was younger than me, and last time I saw her she was the epitome of health, the news is beyond shocking to me. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut and then shoved me head first down a rabbit hole into the darkness again. As I tumbled down the hole my entire being just kept screaming “What? Why? How? Whhyyyy?”

I’ve texted some with Ayanna’s husband but it has all been supportive messages between us. I’ve withheld from asking the hundreds of questions running through my mind. He doesn’t need to answer anyone’s questions right now. There will be a celebration of life ceremony for Ayanna sometime soon and perhaps then I will find some answers. Most likely I will never know all of the story. But then again, I know that none of us ever can really know what the whole story is anyway. Even if we are there for the acting out of the story there is always some shadow piece, some part of the puzzle that remains unknown to us.

As I have followed the twists and turns of this new journey in Cuckoo Luckoo Land I have slept and eaten very little. The pain is too raw, both physical and emotional. Ayanna has known more of my story – every little nuanced piece of it – for 5 years that I cannot imagine her not being part of my ongoing healing and transformation. With her I was always able to say anything and everything that I needed to say. Plus she could hear the things even I couldn’t speak out loud. She had this amazing ability to read the unspoken words of my heart and heal me in more ways than I can even name. The tools that she helped me to learn are more valuable to me than anything I ever learned from a book or in a school.

Just being in her presence could provide peace and healing for me. She would walk into a room like a radiant, light and love filled Amazon Warrior Queen. When I was with her I believe anything was possible, even the seemingly impossible. More than any other person she was an advocate for me to write my story – my story of Cuckoo Luckoo Land with Russell and the healing steps I have taken since. She was going to help me write that book and also a book about healing through grieving. We talked about creating a program to help those who support people who have lost a loved one. She was going to do programs at Avalon Sanctuary – a space she believed was infused with light and love and that is truly a magical space. When she was there at our anniversary bonfire she said she could feel the room pulsing with healing energy. There were so many more things I hoped to journey through together.

Part of the powerful light throughout this 24 hour journey has been Ayanna herself, smiling to me and speaking clearly to me. “Dive into the pain Lara. Dive deeper. Keep diving. I am here in the light. Breathe and dive into all. Feel it; scream it; know it. I’m still here. You can do this. You will do this. You’re not alone. Love and Light and Peace is all around you. Trust the journey. You are a warrior of love and it is your time to step forward and stand on your own. You are ready. Dance in the shadow place. Write your story. Heal your heart.” Throughout all of my crazy dreaming as I’ve tried to sleep she has been in them, smiling and speaking to me. What a gift that has been.

I honestly do not know what I will do without the presence of this unique, powerful, love filled, healing woman in my life. Never have I met anyone else like her and never have I entrusted anyone else with as much of my full story as I have with her. Her presence in my life over these last 5 years has brought me to more understanding about myself and the world than I ever could have imagined. She has helped me transform myself and my relationships in profound ways. And I do not believe I would be anywhere near as far along my healing path since Russell’s death as I am today. I have a long way to go in many aspects but I credit her with helping me get to where I am today.

Tonight I watch The Matrix, a movie Ayanna and I often talked about as we explored the ways in which we can rethink what reality is. It’s a favorite movie for both of us. “You are faster (or stronger) than you think. Don’t think you are. Know you are.” “I’m trying to free your mind Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one who has to walk through it. You have to let it all go. Fear. Doubt. Disbelief. FREE YOUR MIND!” Morpheus just spoke these words to Neo as I was writing. THIS is what Ayanna wanted me to believe. That I could free my mind. That I am powerful and magical and full of infinite possibility. She believed in me and this is what I will choose to take with me as I now make my way out of Cuckoo Luckoo Land back into my world.

Ayanna has reminded me again that there is no time but the one we are in. I must live my life as authentically, as powerfully, as fully in the moment as I possibly can. I must live my life out loud, telling people that I love and believe in them. I must follow my dreams now. I must do what I can to help heal the world and provide a place of breathing sanctuary because I believe this is part of my life’s purpose. I must write my stories and share these with the world; it is for my healing and for those who need to hear only the story that I can tell. I must be the warrior woman of love and light that I want to be. I must seek joy and believe it is okay to do so.

In this time, in this moment I breathe and I am thankful for the light that Ayanna has been for me. May I continue to share that light with those around me who need it. As I step out of the dark and back into the light I promise you Ayanna, I won’t forget the journey we’ve had. Thank you!

Warrior Lara Standing Outrageously Open

February 10, 2017WarriorLara

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The Christmas a few months before Russell died was a low spot in my life. Honestly, up until Russell’s entry into the hospital which ended in his death a week later it was probably the lowest spot of my life. It was definitely the lowest spot in our relationship. We were struggling to find any joy in one another and had determined that after the holidays we would have to have some very hard conversations about how to move forward in ways that were healthy for each of us and for our family. It was a dark time with very little glimmers of hope sustaining us.

That Christmas my mom gave me the book Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver. In it she inscribed the words pictured here naming me, I think for the first time, Warrior Lara. I remember how much that naming rang with truth and rightness as I read it. It felt like a mantle of strength and power was laid upon my shoulders with all the love that a mother can bestow upon her children. Warrior Lara – yes that is who is needed for the dark journeys into the soul. A warrior infused with light, love, knowing all she needs to know, a protectress, a woman capable of bending with the winds of chaotic life changes.

Little did we know at that time that in fact my heroine’s journey would indeed call upon me to become a Warrior of light and love for Russell, myself and my family a few short months later as we dropped down into Cuckoo Luckoo Land – the dark, twisty, mysterious path of his sudden illness, death and my healing journey moving forward. But warrior I became as I somehow found the ability to stand in the shadow lands between life and death; sorrow and joy; despair and hope. I found the unbelievable gift to breathe through it all, stopping myself from spinning into despair with a quick grab of my tree necklace, closing my eyes and focusing upon my breath. I look back on that time and still wonder how I did all I did with grace, hope, and a love for those around that seemed to pulse from the center of my being. I think because I became that Warrior Lara my mom named me.

This naming of me as Warrior Lara and the inhaling way that I read the book Outrageous Openness are two of the things that I credit as key factors for how I made it through Cuckoo Luckoo Land with Russell. Those and the unbelievable web of love, support and healing that surrounded us then and still does to this day. But this book impacted me in ways I am just now able to start remembering. (It’s funny to me how much is lost in the first months and years after losing someone.) I read it at least 3 times between Christmas and the day Russell entered the hospital. I wrote quote after quote in my journals and I practiced everything, allowing Tosha’s wisdom to sink deep into bones. Because of that I believe I was able to keep my heart and mind open to the world around me and move through things with deeper ease.

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I wrote the following quote in my journal just days before that first step into the rabbit hole “I’ll move as if there’s a Force of Love waiting to aid me in every area of my life, big or small.” I not only wrote this down I repeated it to myself every morning and every night. I allowed the words to burrow into my core, infusing me with hope and light. As I read them I could feel Warrior Lara stand a little taller and hope a little stronger. I could believe that Russell and I were on the right path towards healing our relationship and I trusted that all would be well.

It didn’t end how I had hoped, nowhere near that. And the journey since has been a tumultuous ride through both the dark and light places of myself. For the past 6 months it’s been a dark, shadowy, confusing journey. I’ve lost a great deal of my ability to trust, love and just breathe. Fears I never, ever, ever used to experience have crept into my heart and wrapped vines of panic around it. Guilt about all the things I didn’t do with or say to Russell, as well as guilt that I’m not doing enough for my kids. I have barely felt like I could move or speak much less breathe with trust and love.

But I feel myself moving into a deeper openness again. I am naming myself Warrior Lara again and approaching life with a renewed determination to allow life to unfold again – breathing; standing tall; trusting that Love surrounds me; not trying to figure everything out all at once but simply staying in the Now; seeking wisdom sources that speak to me; and finding joy where I can. I am naming my fears and then letting them go.

I’ve started reading Outrageous Openness again and last night I began looking back through my journals of past 3-4 years. I’m following the seeds of wisdom I planted there as I seek to open myself back up to living an amazing life again. I am trying things that terrify me knowing that each little step of bravery builds upon each other to create a brave, magical new world for myself.

I am Warrior Lara standing outrageously open to life!

Flying to Wonderland

September 28, 2016WarriorLara

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If someone came to me inviting me to race dragons in the moonlight I would laugh with glee and race out the door ready to fly away. I would barely stop to take a breath before jumping onto a dragon’s back. Oh the wonder and joy at just the thought of this!

Dragons and imagining them as real is part of Wonderland for me – the place where all things of joy, hope, peace and wonder are possible. Wonderland is the place of dreams come to life. It is the magical place of walking, and flying, as a whole, healed person.

Wonderland is the opposite of Cuckoo Luckoo Land. Cuckoo Luckoo land is the place of dark and twisted paths. It is the place I dropped into when Russell entered the hospital and still travel into at times as I heal from his death. In Cuckoo Luckoo Land up is down, in is out, left is right, nothing is as it should be. There is much wisdom to be gained while traveling in this place but the drops into it are truly like stepping into a rabbit hole and sliding down a windy slide with the speed of light.

Wonderland is the place of light, open skies, peaceful winds and freedom. Just today in reading this lovely dream of a picture I have named that place I go inside myself where I feel at peace and feel ready to fly on a dragon. Wonderland it is; the place where I believe dragons are real and I picture myself riding one to healing. All things are possible here and I believe that I can transform my life into one of Joy. Ahhh Wonderland.

I’m going to play with creating a picture board of what Wonderland looks like to me, calling in all of the magic of that place to me. I want to invoke the light, laughter, love, healing and joy I imagine as I picture myself flying on my dragon under the moonlight. I may also as I play with what the wisdom of Wonderland holds for me create another board revealing what Cuckoo Luckoo Land means to me. There is wisdom in the dark paths I travel when I am there.

I cannot, in all honesty, have one without the other. They are both part of my dance; the light and the dark, the grieving and the healing. For tonight, I will go to sleep dreaming of someone coming in the moonlight with my dragon. Oh do I want to fly to Wonderland!