Don’t quit!

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Smacks upside the head are happening again this morning. Loving smacks but smacks none the less. I’m in awe of the ways that life drops just what I need to hear or see into my lap at times. Mind is being blown and inspired daily right now.

“Sometimes trauma happens, and if we’re being honest, a part of us rejoices, thinking (I am being honest this is true for me) ‘Well, now nobody can expect anything else from me because it’s a miracle enough that I’m upright.’ You are nobly doing your best to battle your way through it. You are a warrior because of the trials you are going through, but don’t you dare squander the strengths you have earned just because the acquisition of it was painful (or still is). Those are the most important stories to share. You can use the strength to pave a path for others to follow along behind. You do not have permission to quit!” Girl Wash Your Face – Rachel Hollis

There is so much YES in this for me. So many hidden, secret truths to some of my personal blocks and excuses right now I can’t even articulate them coherently. Yes, there has been a lot of trauma in my life over the past several years. And there are pieces of that which still play a part in life journey now and forever. But it is time for me to let go of a thread of belief that I am somehow still living that trauma today.

All I know is that I will shush that part of my brain that wants to hide my story or hide my joy for the new amazing opportunities before me. I will not quit at any of the things that are giving me hope and energy to go after my dreams, not just talk about them as if they are fantasy of someday. Writing, coaching, facilitating retreats, creating – these are my joys.

No, I want to make my dreams a reality now. I want to wake up each morning and go after what I want not just grumble about all of the things that I don’t want. I want to use my story, my pain, my joy as the fuel to create a life so glorious and so full of love, health and positivity that I never need to escape from it. I want to turn every single excuse I into the reasons why I keep trying. I want to stop using my moments of sadness, pain and hurt as ways to stay complacent.

I want to see what my life could truly become if I stopped quitting. Seriously, it is time already!

Promises, promises

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“Promises, promises – How I’ve done what I’ve done.”

Ask my kids and those who know me best; they will tell you that I rarely make promises. Even when I agree to do or not do something, it is the very rare occasion that I will make a promise. Folks have tried for years to get me to make promises and I just won’t do it. When I do make a promise you can be sure that I will do anything within my power to fulfill it. That includes to myself.

Rachel Hollis writes in “Girl, Wash Your Face”, “I’ll start tomorrow… as many women do. We talk about the things we’d like to do, be, try and accomplish, but once we get to the moment of actually DOING it, we fold faster than a card table after bunco night….If you constantly make and break promises to yourself, you’re not making promises at all. You’re talking.”

Smack upside the head happened again as I read this chapter. I think I need to get really REAL and start making more promises to myself because those I won’t back out of. Anything less than that is all talk and excuses for me. And the big dreams I have for my life and my family right now are very worthy of me making some promises.
I made a promise to myself 13 months ago that I would get healthy no matter what I had to do, no matter what I had to change, no matter what I had to let go of, no matter what I had do to cover any costs, no matter what I would get healthy for myself and for my kids. I couldn’t take the risk and refused to continue to put myself at risk of serious health issues that could leave my kids completely alone. I promised I would stop risking my life for the sake of eating all of the incredible junk I was eating just because I gave into my cravings. I promised myself I WOULD follow my plan, listen to my coach and community and do the work. No more just talking a very good game but a promise to myself to live my best life no matter what I had to do. I am worth having a healthy body, mind and finances.

There are still a bazillion areas of my life that I am more talk than daily action. Believe me I mess up and fail in so many ways everyday. But my health – oh that is still the area that at least 80% of the time I am making good choices. Because I made a promise to myself that 2017 would be the last year I would feel miserable in my own skin. It was and will always be the last year that I walk around with 60 extra pounds on me leaving me hunched and hurting. Never, ever again I promised this body I am remembering to love.

If you are ready to promise to choose your health and loving your body and mind at least as much as you love the others around you, I am ready to lock arms with you and be a companion on your journey. I so much want everyone to feel the incredible joy I feel to have a body that is free and full of energy.
I promise you can do it too!!!!!

My Deepest Why

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(This photo is from Soulard, one of our favorite places, a few months before we got engaged.)

Well, the horses will have to wait a little longer this morning to eat because my Muse has awoken with a loud, very clear “Now, it is time now to write this!”  When she so strongly speaks to me that I can hear nothing else but her voice starting to write the words, I drop everything and start to write.  For she is the link to my deepest, truest, more powerful self and honoring what is ready to come forth into the world is essential to my journey.

I knew yesterday morning when I was with my mom, celebrating her amazing health transformation, that my Muse was awakening and formulating the words to write about “My Deepest Why”.  Because you see, my mom getting healthier, my dad now getting healthier, my sister-in-laws getting healthier, my brother exploring getting healthier, my friends getting healthier, my kids getting healthier, and my growing passion for encouraging everyone I know to get healthier in whatever way works best for them – all of this is twined around My Deepest Why.

My Deepest Why is the reason that I truly feel like a Phoenix bird rising up out of the issues as if on fire herself.   The ashes of my life created by the sudden burning up of the life I knew over 3 1/2 years ago,  have been the bed I needed to heal, to explore, and to sort through what must I let go of and what will go with me as I rise into a new life, a new me.   I love and honor those ashes for every bit of comfort and every bit of wisdom they have given me.   And now, I am rising from them to further live a life of passion and purpose and meaning – one of the greatest truths that Russell and I tried to bring to our lives in all we did.  As individuals and as a couple, we believed ourselves to be seekers and dream weavers, helping to create a world filled with love, peace, and hope.

I distract myself even as I write.  My Deepest Why, at this time this moment in my life, is to encourage everyone and anyone I can to create a life for themselves that is as healthy and as happy as they possibly can.  Actually wait, that’s more my purpose than my why.  Writing my WHY, my Deepest one, is scary I think because there is so much emotion in it and around it that saying out loud is feeling a little huge.  But my Muse says keep going, you can do this, say it, own it, feel it.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.   My Deepest Why for all that I do in my life and most specifically for my new found passion for helping people transform their lives  as a health coach, is that I never, ever, ever want to again watch someone that I love die who might not have if they had been healthier in body, mind and spirit.   I can wish all of the time that we had found this before Russell died.  But wishing won’t change the fact that we didn’t.  I want to have the people I love be able to be with me for as long as they possibly can!

Daily, I am grateful that I have transformed my own health so that, hopefully, I will live a very long life with and for my children.   Being here for them as the best mom I can be is so much easier now that I am not consumed with physical pain everyday.   I am bound and determined to do all that I can do to live my most healthy life so that I can stay with them.

Now, I do more than wish and dream.  I am acting and deciding to live my life with no excuses of being too scared, too busy, too unsure, too whatever gets in the way.  There are people I love and care about who need what programs, what wisdom, and what purpose I have found or created.   I don’t want to live my life “wishing” I had told them of another way, after they are gone.

I lost Russell and the dreams of us living our best life together for a very long time.   I lost myself for a long time in the ashes created when my life burned up in a moment.  I am now rediscovering the wonder woman I want to be for myself and the world.  I don’t ever want to lose myself so radically again.  I don’t ever want to lose anyone else I love because their weight and the unhealthy habits of their life led to a sudden and way too early death.   I want to impact live and constantly expand my heart work to love this world and all of the people in mine with all that I am.   I want to know that what I have gone through and my sharing it with others might just help even one person feel like they aren’t alone.  I want all of us to get healthy so that we truly can create the lives that we only dream of right now.

In this time, this moment, I choose health, hope, love, and living my life as bravely as I can.    It’s all I want for all of us!

Thank you my Muse! I stand in awe of my rising from the ashes.

What if you fail?

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We’ve probably all heard the question “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” I’m quite sure I’ve answered this question a bazillion times in my journals and on vision boards. But now I ask a new question, a flip of the coin, to this famous one.
First read in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book ” Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear”, I now ask “What would I do even if I knew that I might very well fail?” I agree with Elizabeth that it is a fiercer question and one that is radically shaping my world right now. It plays over and over in my mind as I choose to do those things that bring me consistent joy, even in the moments of “failure” that are inevitable with following authentic, life long paths of joy seeking.
Without a doubt, it is quite evident that I choose to “do” horses even in the midst of daily “failures”. Heck running a horse farm means constantly remaining open to trying new things, having tried and true methods not work, and still doing it because of that magical love with a horse. I simply can’t imagine a life without them, nor can most of the horse folks I know, even though we are loons to put up with all we do surrounding them.

My current path of new adventures with Phoenix is a daily endeavor in becoming more humble, more trusting, more brave, and more creative as I step into worlds I’ve only been a witness to for a very long time. Tomorrow will be our first dressage show ever, for both of us. We are the very first dressage ride of the day (at 9:00am if you want to watch) and we aren’t really ready. We are both still noodly and simply trying to trust one another. We will probably walk the entire dressage test, though we are supposed to trot at least half of it, simply because in that mode we trust each other, stay in sync and look pretty balanced. As far as the test is concerned, walking the whole thing will be a fail. But, we are doing it anyway because I am loving this horse, he is at least liking me, and I want us to do things together that I have never done before. I don’t care if we fail because I will love every single moment doing it with him. We are rising into a new life together.

This horse, this sweet sweet living Phoenix, is the clearest symbol of me embracing so many new things that leave me acting from my heart. Facilitating retreats, coaching others through their own health transformations, writing, and teaching are things I LOVE to do. There will be ongoing moments that feel like failures in all of these areas but that’s okay. I’m going to do them anyway. Because I WILL live a life from my heart and not from my fear of failing.
What do you love so much you would do it even if you knew you might fail? Go do those things!

 

In Love

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I’m in love!  No, no, no before anyone gets too excited, it’s not a new relationship.  They very thought of dating, honestly, still leads me to throw up a little.  Okay maybe a lot.  LOL. I’m so not there yet.

I am in love, even giddily so at times, with aspects of myself and my journey right now.  I guess it is kind of like developing a new relationship with myself and with my life.  More and more each day, I am embracing the things that excite me enough to make me want to jump out of bed each morning and leap into my day.  I am feeling deep, profound gratitude for all that is part of my life and it definitely creates feeling similar to “being in love.”  Wow, how cool is that?!

Here’s what I am most in love with right now.

First and foremost, my children. Hands down they are my favorite people to be with. I love talking with them, playing games, traveling, journeying with them as they become adults, watching them grow, and just hanging out in their presence. They’re all such awesome people and I feel super blessed to be part of their lives.

Second, the vision for my life and what I believe my foundational purpose and mission are.  My most recent falling in love with health coaching is a mere extension of my lifelong love and desire to be part of people’s dream creating and life transformations.  I feel reawakened and rejuvenated!   I bring this love and desire to my work as an instructor, a retreat facilitator, barn owner, health coach, and with my friends and family.

Little more in all of my work/play excites me as much as seeing people light up with joy and freedom because they’ve found new ways of being the person they most desire to be.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE journeying with people seeking to make their dream a reality and live their best lives possible.  Within every aspect of my life, I have opportunites to do this. PURE JOY!

Third, Avalon in all that it is.  The very land itself is part of my heart and breath.   I had a deep flash of this a few weeks back and was almost rocked to my knees as I realized how much I am in love with Avalon.  To be called to be caretaker of this land and all that is part of it is such an honor.  The community strengthens me and holds space for me in amazing ways. The animals speak to me just as I always dreamed of as a kid.  There is pure magic that sings throughout all that is Avalon.

Fourth, I love my writing.  That my Muse continues to be awake and speaking through me gives me great joy and hope that I am inspiring others to seek joy for themselves and believe they deserve it.  I love that I can speak of my dark trips into the rabbit holes of life as well as my light trips soaring on my dragon as a mighty warrior woman.   To say that I AM a writer – ahh yes, that leaves me giddy with love.

My entire journey, my entire self – the good, the bad, the dark, the light – I love it all for the wisdom it gives to me.  What an amazing thing it is to feel “in love” with one’s self and with one’s life!

Always see the MAGIC

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MAGIC – I hope and pray every single day that I will always believe that there is magic alive in this world. I’m sure I will as long as I continue to be part of things like yesterday as the very land of Avalon seemed to pulse with it from beginning to end. It was if a giant bell had been rung upon first light of the sun that sent reverberations through the horses, the people, and the land itself throughout the entire day.
This is the MAGIC I hear and feel to some extent everyday that I am part of Avalon. From the first moment I stepped my foot onto this property, I could hear and feel the land speak to me, no more like sing to me a song meant just for me. It’s weird to me to talk of it at times as it feels so twilight zoney and foreign to world that seeks to have such tangible proof of things. But yesterday and now this morning, the MAGIC continues to sing to me and through me so powerfully I am alternating between laughing and crying with joy and amazement.
Watching people come to Avalon and hear for even a short amount of time the MAGIC song that is there always leaves me feeling humbled and awed that I get to part of something so much bigger than a horse farm. I love the events themselves and watching people ride their horses to personal successes is wonderful. But it is watching people smile and laugh while they volunteer or compete or watch their loved ones compete that leaves me a tingle with love that seems to expand forth from the deepest part of my heart. I open myself up to feel all that energy and channel it right back through my heart to reconnect with all that is Avalon.

Beyond, so far beyond, my desire for us to create successful events is my desire for us of the Avalon community to create a place where people realize, or rather remember, MAGIC is alive in our world. It is the MAGIC of love, connection, community over competition, hope, joy, patience, humility, respect, learning, and always seeking to do things just a bit better than the time before.

This is the life I want to lead – a life that ALWAYS see the MAGIC in this world, in its’ creatures and in the humans who walk it with me. Every single day I want this to be my focus, no matter what swirly places my mind and the tasks that can weigh on me seek to take me.

I tell you what, I may not always get things right and I may not always handle the things in my life as well I would like, but that’s okay because I know I am always striving to grow and become a better friend, leader, mother, daughter, and person. Plus, I can see MAGIC at work in the world around me and I can hear the land that holds a large piece of my heart sing. How AMAZINGLY cool is that!

 

The Hidden Gifts

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At first glance those of you who know me will think this musing is about the penny seen here and will lead to me talking about Russell who I always connect found pennies to these days.  In some ways it is but it is about so much more.  It is about the gifts behind the gift we think we are receiving.  It is about the love and caring of others that I can totally miss in my excitement at finding something I look for in my everyday life.  It is about the hidden gifts that magically can break open the dark places and send burst of joyful light wash over me without me even realizing it.

A few weeks ago I came home at the end of a long day and found this penny sitting on a leaf on my front door step.  I knew it hadn’t been there when I left so it felt like an extra big, magical hello from Russell. Anytime pennies show up in spots I know they weren’t just a little while ago I start hearing the Twilight Zone theme song playing in my head.  It’s eerie and exciting all at the same time.  I quickly took a picture to share, pocketed the penny, went inside and put it in my special storage space. Then I thought nothing more of it, including forgetting to post the picture.

A few mornings later one of Avalon’s boarders, Jessica, asked me if I’d gotten the present her daughter, Lauren, had left for me on the front porch. My mind blanked as I tried to recall a gift left for me.  I’m sure I looked like a deer in the headlights trying to figure it out. Jessica went on to tell me that Lauren had left me a penny with a written note on a leaf for me.  I was stunned as I realized it was the penny I’d found at the end of a rough day.  I was moved almost to tears.

I immediately looked at the picture I’d taken and sure enough I could see there was writing on the leaf.  I’d totally missed it in my excitement to find a penny.  I was stunned!  When I saw Lauren that afternoon I thanked her profusely and shared with her how much that penny had meant to me that day.

In my excitement finding something I look for I had missed the real gift completely – that a young woman in Avalon’s community had found a penny, thought of me, wrote me a note and left it all for me at my home.  What an amazing gift of sweet love and caring she gave to me.  And I’d almost missed it.

It’s taken me weeks to be able to write about the musings around this wrapped up penny gift. I’ve realized there are gifts every single day that I am missing because I’m so focused on the obvious, right before me things.  But it’s the wrapping around those obvious gifts that mean even more.   It’s the fact that Lauren and so many others think of me in seemingly random ways and then they share that with me.  That is what I am in awe of all of the time.

Lauren will probably never know how much her gift has meant to me.  Thank you can’t ever adequately describe the depth of my gratitude for people like Lauren just sharing their love and care of me and my kids.   But that’s okay.  I know what it means and I know how it’s opened me up to look at things with a wider, deeper lens.

In this time, this moment I am grateful!