“Putting the Puzzle of ME Back Together 🧩💙🧩

“Putting the Puzzle of ME Back Together 🧩💙🧩

Vulnerability, Getting Real Post

Have you ever felt like something inside of you isn’t quite in the place it used to be? As if things have shifted and you don’t know exactly when things all fell apart? You just wake up one day realizing that things aren’t quite right and you want, or need to, make some shifts?
When this picture from 3 years ago popped into my memories a few weeks back that’s exactly what happened to me. I felt my breath catch in my heart. I felt tears fill my eyes. I felt a pit in my stomach. And, I felt my entire being say “We remember her. That Lara was on fire with passion, power, physical strength, purpose, and joy. How about we take a good hard look at our self right now, and find our way back to her? What do we need to do? Here is evidence of Warrior Lara who knows her way and is living her best, healthiest, most joyful life. Let’s put her back together!”

Ever since that day, I’ve been ruminating and taking a good hard look at myself, my life, and what needs to shift for me to be living in my greatest strengths. The image that came to mind was that of myself as a giant puzzle that somewhere along the line in the last couple of years fell all the way apart. Oh, enough has stayed together to keep working, keep dreaming, keep seeking & recognizing the pockets of joy, keep believing in myself just enough to try new things, but there has been a fragmented feeling that has been like a whispery voice throughout it all. It’s as if my inner critic and my doubting self have been consistently, subtly, and very quietly pulling pieces of my Warrior Lara self away from me.

I know that I am getting to my own truths right now as the desire to curl up in a ball and cry is pretty fierce. There’s a large part of me that wants to shut this writing down and hide under my covers. Ahhh, a sure sign for me that this is exactly what I need to write at this time and this moment.
Am I finding joy and massive things to be grateful for in my daily life? A big, huge YES! The things I am doing and the things I am creating are fabulous. But those are just some of the pieces that I have been able to fit back into myself. And some of the things that I haven’t been able to piece back together are pulling at me, threatening to break the fragile new connections I have made.

So here is some of the reality that I haven’t wanted to see, or admit, in myself. I sure haven’t been sharing any of that with the world. 🙂 But, I have long believed that sharing my story, my WHOLE story, is healing for me and potentially offers hope for others. And today, my Muse and my Warrior self say “It is the time!”

*My physical health is at the lowest point it has been in over 4 years. I’m active enough that my body can do a lot which is awesome. But my energy is low, my weight is way higher than I want, and I just don’t feel like a strong warrior self.

*I have not been reaching out, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes intentionally, to the people who I know could support me through some of the sticky parts of life. Why? Because a part of me has felt embarrassed and like a failure for not “getting it right” or for not being able to do it on my own. PFFTTT! I coach people all of the time that asking for help isn’t weakness, it’s a sign of strength and powerful self-care. But I get that it is so much easier said than done when we feel like we have fallen way back in our journeys.

*I am having big bouts of doubting myself. The work that I am doing as an instructor of kids and adults, and more especially my work as a life coach for women fills my soul. As we inch towards winter, I’ve been exploring part-time job opportunities just as backup work if the weather goes to hell in a handbasket. Receiving rejections or literally no calls back for positions I could do so easily, is very disheartening.

*I have so many things that I have started and stopped, then started and stopped another thing, etc, etc, as I am trying to figure out which puzzle pieces I still even want to have fit into who I am right now. Part of the downside of not living my healthiest path is that my focus scatters. Well, when I already feel like I am putting back together an entire self that is scattered and shattered, having scattered focus doesn’t help. 😉

*I am deeply missing the communities of support, accountability, and growth that I was actively a part of 3 years ago. I am recognizing how much I really need people around me to keep my energy flowing as I work. Being able to do things virtually has been great since 2020, but it’s not enough for me. I need communities in person!

Putting the puzzle back together – I do not know all of my next steps forward. Today, I am okay with that. I know that, for me, this is the first big step forward. Getting real with myself and writing about it helps me to see things way more clearly. And while I may not know all of the steps, or all of the pieces to fit my Me puzzle back together, I do know the following:

1. I need to focus on living my healthiest life again – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. The great thing is I love the health program that I found 4 years ago (and now coach) because it focuses on the WHOLE self, not just our physical body. It’s easy for me to dive back in and start again.

2. I need to reach out for more regular support from the people in my life who have helped in the past and continue to do so today. That being said, I have finally gotten brave and reached out to my own coach asking for support. It wasn’t easy but I know it’s hard to support others if I am not getting the support I really need because I am trying to do it all on my own. There are others I will be asking for more support as I figure out what that can look like.

3. I am tapping back into several communities that have been powerful places of growth for me in the past. I’d still love to create some kind of space in which entrepreneurs could gather together several times a week in a co-working/creating kind of space. That will come.

4. I am reminding myself that the heart work that I am doing brings value to the world in ways that no part-time “job” could do. It will grow!

I find that, for now, there is little more that needs to be written. I am deeply grateful that writing is a form of healing and growth for me. I am deeply grateful for the Warrior Lara photo that popped up and is now above my desk as a reminder to me that living in power, purpose, passion, radical health, and joy is possible. I am deeply grateful for the imagery of a broken puzzle that I can put back together in whatever new way I want to. I am deeply grateful for every single pocket of joy I am experiencing in my life as I figure out my way forward right now. I am deeply grateful to feel like I am starting to put myself back together.

Lara 💟

Year of the Warrior – Take back my life

I have declared for myself that 2018 is my Year of the Warrior.   It is the year that I don’t allow anything, including my own deep seated fears and BS stories to hold me back. It is the year that I radically, powerfully, joyfully take back my life and reclaim on a daily basis my belief that we can transform our lives in magical ways.

For 3 years, Rachel Platten’s song “Fight Song” has been my theme song.  I’ve written about it. I play it over and over again. I dance to it.  I share it with others who are seeking to come back from something and deeply need to believe in their amazingness.   It touches emotional cords in me that go deeper than even I know.  It calls me to more every single time I listen to it as the words and the music beat deep into my heart.

Tonight, as I ran on the treadmill I listened to Fight Song for my cool down as I’ve done for the past 4 days.  It is the song I need to listen to as the reminder that I AM A WARRIOR, passionately ready to release the phoenix who has slowly been rising from the ashes of my life over the past few years.   As I walked through my final minutes on the treadmill tonight, listening to Fight Song I felt like the drum was trying to pound directly into my soul.  Tears bubbled up and out as the refrain moved me stronger than ever before.

“This is MY fight song. Take back my life song. Prove I’m alright song.  My power’s turned on, starting right now I’ll be strong. I’ll play MY fight song and I don’t care if nobody else believes because I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.”  

YES, YES, YES!  My year of the Warrior is this.  Being a Warrior is being ME as authentically as I can possible be. Being a Warrior means following my heart, my path.   Being a Warrior means being strong in MY power that is most definitely turned on.  Being a Warrior means acknowledging my fears and doing it anyway.  Being a Warrior means inviting others who are ready to journey with me to feel the magic of their own journeys.  Being a Warrior means saying yes and trusting that as long as I listen to my intuition and take action the path will open up before me.  Being a Warrior means believing in me and what I feel called to do even if it seems no one else does.  Being a Warrior means I will follow my heart and my path which means sharing my wisdom journey with the world.

NOW is the time for me to finally, joyfully take action on all of the hundreds of things that have been stirring inside for me the past several years.  As much as I may have wanted for these to come to be much sooner than now, I really wasn’t ready.  But I am NOW!  As I walk the land of Avalon, I can feel the magic of that land stirring again in ways it hasn’t been able to for probably 4 years.  Oh, magical things have still been happening because it is an amazing place, people and creatures.  But there is a magic that pulses through the land that I haven’t felt as deeply.  Until recently!

As I declare myself a Warrior for love, peace and joy I can hear the land of Avalon sing again.  It is as if the very land drums in beat to the new rhythm that is coming singing up from inside of me.  New life is pulsing through me and in turn new life is pulsing throughout all the areas of my life.   As I plan the upcoming “I am a Warrior” retreats, there is so much awakening inside of me.   I want to share the wisdom that has come to me as I have traveled in the shadow places between the light and the dark.  I want to help others find the Warrior residing inside of them who is wanting to give them the power to be strong and find joy.  And this is only the beginning!

“There’s a fire burning in my bones, still believe, yeah I still believe.”

Daily I am taking back my life and allowing life to take me back.   My commitment to living an entire year (and probably way more) with the mindset of a Warrior is exciting.   I feel the fire burning inside of me as my entire being is lit up ready to live and love with joy!

THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG!  I AM A WARRIOR! I AM READY TO FLY!

 

Changing things up

cropped-dancingangel.jpgIt is time for some shifts and some changes.  I’m playing with re-creating my blog site.  Figuring out how to reset things is a fun and also challenging undertaking.  I am working to keep an attitude of play, even as I navigate the inroads of design.

Watch for lots of new things to come soon as I step out in a new way.

Thanks for journeying with me!