“Putting the Puzzle of ME Back Together 🧩💙🧩
Vulnerability, Getting Real Post
Have you ever felt like something inside of you isn’t quite in the place it used to be? As if things have shifted and you don’t know exactly when things all fell apart? You just wake up one day realizing that things aren’t quite right and you want, or need to, make some shifts?
When this picture from 3 years ago popped into my memories a few weeks back that’s exactly what happened to me. I felt my breath catch in my heart. I felt tears fill my eyes. I felt a pit in my stomach. And, I felt my entire being say “We remember her. That Lara was on fire with passion, power, physical strength, purpose, and joy. How about we take a good hard look at our self right now, and find our way back to her? What do we need to do? Here is evidence of Warrior Lara who knows her way and is living her best, healthiest, most joyful life. Let’s put her back together!”
Ever since that day, I’ve been ruminating and taking a good hard look at myself, my life, and what needs to shift for me to be living in my greatest strengths. The image that came to mind was that of myself as a giant puzzle that somewhere along the line in the last couple of years fell all the way apart. Oh, enough has stayed together to keep working, keep dreaming, keep seeking & recognizing the pockets of joy, keep believing in myself just enough to try new things, but there has been a fragmented feeling that has been like a whispery voice throughout it all. It’s as if my inner critic and my doubting self have been consistently, subtly, and very quietly pulling pieces of my Warrior Lara self away from me.
I know that I am getting to my own truths right now as the desire to curl up in a ball and cry is pretty fierce. There’s a large part of me that wants to shut this writing down and hide under my covers. Ahhh, a sure sign for me that this is exactly what I need to write at this time and this moment.
Am I finding joy and massive things to be grateful for in my daily life? A big, huge YES! The things I am doing and the things I am creating are fabulous. But those are just some of the pieces that I have been able to fit back into myself. And some of the things that I haven’t been able to piece back together are pulling at me, threatening to break the fragile new connections I have made.
So here is some of the reality that I haven’t wanted to see, or admit, in myself. I sure haven’t been sharing any of that with the world. 🙂 But, I have long believed that sharing my story, my WHOLE story, is healing for me and potentially offers hope for others. And today, my Muse and my Warrior self say “It is the time!”
*My physical health is at the lowest point it has been in over 4 years. I’m active enough that my body can do a lot which is awesome. But my energy is low, my weight is way higher than I want, and I just don’t feel like a strong warrior self.
*I have not been reaching out, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes intentionally, to the people who I know could support me through some of the sticky parts of life. Why? Because a part of me has felt embarrassed and like a failure for not “getting it right” or for not being able to do it on my own. PFFTTT! I coach people all of the time that asking for help isn’t weakness, it’s a sign of strength and powerful self-care. But I get that it is so much easier said than done when we feel like we have fallen way back in our journeys.
*I am having big bouts of doubting myself. The work that I am doing as an instructor of kids and adults, and more especially my work as a life coach for women fills my soul. As we inch towards winter, I’ve been exploring part-time job opportunities just as backup work if the weather goes to hell in a handbasket. Receiving rejections or literally no calls back for positions I could do so easily, is very disheartening.
*I have so many things that I have started and stopped, then started and stopped another thing, etc, etc, as I am trying to figure out which puzzle pieces I still even want to have fit into who I am right now. Part of the downside of not living my healthiest path is that my focus scatters. Well, when I already feel like I am putting back together an entire self that is scattered and shattered, having scattered focus doesn’t help. 😉
*I am deeply missing the communities of support, accountability, and growth that I was actively a part of 3 years ago. I am recognizing how much I really need people around me to keep my energy flowing as I work. Being able to do things virtually has been great since 2020, but it’s not enough for me. I need communities in person!
Putting the puzzle back together – I do not know all of my next steps forward. Today, I am okay with that. I know that, for me, this is the first big step forward. Getting real with myself and writing about it helps me to see things way more clearly. And while I may not know all of the steps, or all of the pieces to fit my Me puzzle back together, I do know the following:
1. I need to focus on living my healthiest life again – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. The great thing is I love the health program that I found 4 years ago (and now coach) because it focuses on the WHOLE self, not just our physical body. It’s easy for me to dive back in and start again.
2. I need to reach out for more regular support from the people in my life who have helped in the past and continue to do so today. That being said, I have finally gotten brave and reached out to my own coach asking for support. It wasn’t easy but I know it’s hard to support others if I am not getting the support I really need because I am trying to do it all on my own. There are others I will be asking for more support as I figure out what that can look like.
3. I am tapping back into several communities that have been powerful places of growth for me in the past. I’d still love to create some kind of space in which entrepreneurs could gather together several times a week in a co-working/creating kind of space. That will come.
4. I am reminding myself that the heart work that I am doing brings value to the world in ways that no part-time “job” could do. It will grow!
I find that, for now, there is little more that needs to be written. I am deeply grateful that writing is a form of healing and growth for me. I am deeply grateful for the Warrior Lara photo that popped up and is now above my desk as a reminder to me that living in power, purpose, passion, radical health, and joy is possible. I am deeply grateful for the imagery of a broken puzzle that I can put back together in whatever new way I want to. I am deeply grateful for every single pocket of joy I am experiencing in my life as I figure out my way forward right now. I am deeply grateful to feel like I am starting to put myself back together.