joy – Page 3 – Lara Peterson Coaching & Creations

Flying to Wonderland

September 28, 2016WarriorLara

dragonswonderland

If someone came to me inviting me to race dragons in the moonlight I would laugh with glee and race out the door ready to fly away. I would barely stop to take a breath before jumping onto a dragon’s back. Oh the wonder and joy at just the thought of this!

Dragons and imagining them as real is part of Wonderland for me – the place where all things of joy, hope, peace and wonder are possible. Wonderland is the place of dreams come to life. It is the magical place of walking, and flying, as a whole, healed person.

Wonderland is the opposite of Cuckoo Luckoo Land. Cuckoo Luckoo land is the place of dark and twisted paths. It is the place I dropped into when Russell entered the hospital and still travel into at times as I heal from his death. In Cuckoo Luckoo Land up is down, in is out, left is right, nothing is as it should be. There is much wisdom to be gained while traveling in this place but the drops into it are truly like stepping into a rabbit hole and sliding down a windy slide with the speed of light.

Wonderland is the place of light, open skies, peaceful winds and freedom. Just today in reading this lovely dream of a picture I have named that place I go inside myself where I feel at peace and feel ready to fly on a dragon. Wonderland it is; the place where I believe dragons are real and I picture myself riding one to healing. All things are possible here and I believe that I can transform my life into one of Joy. Ahhh Wonderland.

I’m going to play with creating a picture board of what Wonderland looks like to me, calling in all of the magic of that place to me. I want to invoke the light, laughter, love, healing and joy I imagine as I picture myself flying on my dragon under the moonlight. I may also as I play with what the wisdom of Wonderland holds for me create another board revealing what Cuckoo Luckoo Land means to me. There is wisdom in the dark paths I travel when I am there.

I cannot, in all honesty, have one without the other. They are both part of my dance; the light and the dark, the grieving and the healing. For tonight, I will go to sleep dreaming of someone coming in the moonlight with my dragon. Oh do I want to fly to Wonderland!

My children – my greatest gifts

September 23, 2016WarriorLara

Ack, I almost forgot to write today. I’ve already made it 3 days in a row this week and I want to commit to writing everyday. Actually I AM committing to writing everyday, at least a little bit, because writing here does so much for keeping me moving forward. I am seeing my blog posts like stepping-stones that I am laying one at a time on the path in front of me. Step by step, inch by inch, I see myself clearer.

Tonight I am filled with gratitude for the wonderfulness that is my 3 children. I don’t write very often hear about them because this is the place to tell my story as I experience my life. I try not to tell other people’s stories or assume that I could possibly know what they are feeling or experiencing. I leave it to them to tell when and if they want to share. It is theirs and it is best to stick with telling my own.

Tonight though I am filled with such awe and love for all 3 of my kids that I need to just share a little bit. Each and every one of them reached out to me, requesting to spend special time with me alone. This from 3 teenagers – Kateri is 19, Soren is 18, and Demetri is 14. I’ve reveled in my time alone with each of them; being together, sharing stories, memories and ideas, making food, eating food, talking, laughing, dreaming, and helping each believe a little bit more in ourselves. Joy, just pure joy having these special moments with each of them, per their request!

I have always been “in love” with these wonderful people who I am deeply honored to call my own. There is nothing I love more than spending time with them. They are smart, loving, compassionate, respectful, fun, and amazing people. How I ever got so lucky to be their mom is beyond me!

Watching them grow and unfold in the past year and half has been a thing of mystery for me. I have watched as they have tried new things, met new people, learned to put self-care first and family a close second, been faithful to friends, made choices true to who they are seeking to become, found strength inside themselves they never knew they had, been willing to reach out for help as well as consistently reach out to others in need, and loved me and each other through it all. I’ve always loved watching them grow and learn, but this past year and a half has been an exceptional time of witnessing their inner awesomeness shine through.

I walk, with deep gratitude, alongside each one of them as they are finding their own way in this world. I walk with them trying to allow them to make their own choices and help them figure out the hard parts that sometimes arise from those choices. I trust them to always have my back and the backs of one another. I have more fun adventuring with them and learning about the things that bring them joy than I ever thought possible. Hearing each of them excitedly share with me something new they are trying is wonderful. Knowing that they believe I will always love them and support them no matter what helps me believe I am doing a whole lot of things right with them.

The stories of their lives are still theirs to tell. I’m just happy to say that my story has them in it if every single day. To love our children is a given I think. To like our children and have them like us right back – now that is pure gift!

Today’s Gratitudes

September 7, 2016September 7, 2016WarriorLara

My heart is filled to overflowing with love, joy and gratitude for an amazing weekend of celebrating people’s love stories. I had the great honor of being part of two love celebrations over the span of two days. The preparing for these two events, playing at each party and the days following these celebrations have left me with much to be grateful for.

On Saturday night my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in their magical back yard with close to 100 family and friends surrounding them. Together we got to stand witness as Mom and Dad renewed their wedding vows in a ceremony filled with deep emotion. As Neil Diamond’s song “Story of My Life” played, I watched my parents stare deeply into each others eyes as if the rest of the world no longer existed. The world seemed to dissolve around them as I could feel their love wrapping visibly around them. It was truly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I know much of their story and I know how much it means to them to have been able to recommit themselves to one another as they were surrounded by many who love them.

Then, on Sunday afternoon and evening, I was able to be part of the first wedding to be held at Avalon. The magic that I feel pulse throughout Avalon all of the time seemed to broaden and unfold like a blooming flower as Amanda and Matthew claimed their love to the world for the first time. Their wedding was like something out a fairytale – horses, flowers, joyous guests, music, playfulness, flickering lights, and a bride and groom glowing with their love and joy for one another. One couldn’t help but smile watching them float through their day and night together.

As I moved throughout my very full weekend – preparing pretty party spaces, dancing, laughing with family and friends, working hard to make sure things went smoothly, conversing with hundreds of people, taking moments of quiet rest and reflection – I thought often of Russell. It’s in moments like these that I sense both his presence and his absence the most. He loved gathering with friends and family more than just about anything in the world. Well he probably loved his silent retreats just as much, but parties were a joy to him. I had several moments throughout both celebrations that I could feel my breath catch as I swore I had just seen him in the crowd talking to this person or that person. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of emotions ran through me this weekend.

What I am left with today, after a full day of rest yesterday and beginning the clean up of spaces today, is a long list of things to be grateful for. While my body, mind and heart are saturated and a little achy, they are also smiling with gratitude for all of the many blessings in my life. There is no way I can name all of them here but I am definitely going to try to name as many as I can that have popped into my thoughts over and over again this last week.

*I am grateful for parents who have traveled a long road together filled with many joys and sorrows. To watch them recommit to one another with deep love after 50 years of marriage is a wonderful gift.

*I am grateful for children who I love more deeply every single day. Watching Kateri be part of the wedding at Avalon glowing as the beautiful young woman she filled me great love. Watching my sons, Demetri and Soren, snazzily dressed up and helping in whatever way possible over the weekend made me feel so proud of the wonderful young men they have become. The very best thing Russell and I did together was bring these 3 amazing people into the world.

*I am grateful for the opportunity to work and dream at Avalon Horse Farm – a magical place filled with possibility for love, joy and healing. The farm literally glowed this weekend and I could feel the very land pulse with magical dreams.

*I am grateful for family – near and far – that I love spending time with. To be friends with my family is a wondrous thing. They are talented, compassionate, giving, fun people. I am grateful I got to be with them this weekend, even if the time was way too short.

*I am grateful for friends who know me so well I don’t even need to speak for them to step in with a hug, a smile, a “you’ve got this”, a hug, whatever I seem to need in the moment. Even in those times when I slip into feeling alone I know I am not truly alone ever!

*I am grateful for being in place that I can miss Russell, even to the point of overflowing tears, but not be dropped to my knees or feel like I have to run from a situation. Integration is happening slowly and steadily. Love is the strongest thing I feel.

*I am grateful for feeling and being super strong, capable of spending long days working. Seriously, I feel like I kicked some real booty the past couple of weeks prepping the farm and my parents (at least a little) house for several big events. I couldn’t be prouder of how the farm is looking right now and I am grateful for the work I do to make that happen.

*I am grateful for the incredible Avalon Community that is in place right now. Leading this community to help our dreams unfold is joy, with something new happening all of the time. Yes I am proud of my work but even more so I am proud of the work that I coordinate to make it shine. I feel a little like Jean Luc Picard from Star Trek with his – “Make it so” leadership. To be part of an authentic community that works hard to make our shared love of Avalon shine is wonderful. So many folks have shown up in the last few weeks to help out wherever they can. And many of them have shown up just when my own energy was flagging. Together we are so amazingly strong and mighty!

*I am grateful for my core Avalon team. There is absolutely no way that I could pull off any of the things we dream of without them. Over and over and over again, these folks show up asking “what more can I do to help?” John, Denise, Nikki, Kenny, Lynette, Mike – all of these folks have spent dozens of hours every single week in the past few months helping make Avalon better and bigger. Without me asking they have helped into the night-time hours to make the farm sparkle. I would probably be a weeping puddle of a mess without the work they do. There are many, many others who help keep me strong and sane helping out in so many ways, but these folks always seem to pop up just when there’s one more project to get done.

*I am grateful for my pups, especially Miss Tara right now. Dogs have that amazing way of making you feel like you are the center of the universe. Tara especially does that with me, following me around and wanting to just be near me. Plus her sweetness just makes me smile everyday.

*I am grateful that my life is filled with opportunities for growth, love, joy, connection, and walking my authentic path. There is much I am still figuring out but then that is life isn’t it? That everyday I am able to walk in nature, be with my children, learn something new, laugh or cry with friends, rest my weary self, and dream of new possibilities fills me with such gratitude I feel ready to burst sometimes.

In this time, in this moment life is good, very good!

Driving – I did it!

June 11, 2016June 11, 2016WarriorLara

We don’t really know what we are capable of doing until there is no other choice before us. Well, even as I write that first sentence I realize there is always, ALWAYS a choice. But when the choice is between doing it ourselves or not getting to do it at all it is amazing what can happen.

Russell was the one who loved long drives. I like driving but don’t love it. I like road trips and loved the trips that we would all take down to Sarasota, FL every year. Mainly though I liked the driving part because I love napping in cars. It drops me back into childhood when we would drive to Wisconsin as a family. Those trips were times for reading, playing the alphabet game, and napping. Our family trips that Russell and I shared for decades were the same with lots of fun music added in – especially Jimmy Buffet and Bob Marley.

Last year when we drove to Florida for our beach vacation in July it was a shorter trip – only 12 hours compared to the 16 or 17 it takes to get to Sarasota. It was a trip broken up by Kateri and Soren both sharing in the driving duties and us making lots of stops to keep me awake enough to keep driving. When we traveled to Sarasota in December we flew down because the thought of making that very long drive made me want to curl up and hide under my covers, no matter how much the lure of the beach was calling to me. No way could I handle making a drive that is technically 16 hours but would surely take us 20 with all the stops I would need.

Not only have we made it to Orlando with me driving all but 2 of the hours, I actually really enjoyed the driving this time. We stopped in Atlanta last night which was a good break splitting the drive into a 9 hour day and a 7 hour day (stopping for lunch always adds time). I’m tired tonight but actually much, much less than I thought I would be. Instead I feel energized and excited for our adventures at Disney to start tomorrow.

My kids slept much of the way, as I always used to do. I would drive maybe 10% of our trips with Russell driving 90%. I never understood how he would say he actually liked the driving and wanted to do it. I never understood until this trip.

As the kids slept I listened to my favorite songs; started listening to a Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly which I am loving; let my mind wander through the opportunities currently before me for my life; allowed myself to be filled with gratitude for my children, my family and this trip; and smiled as memory after memory flooded through me of the dozens of trips Russell and I took on the very roads I drove mile after mile. My heart rode wave after wave of memory simultaneously missing Russell and smiling at the joy of remembering.

What I couldn’t fathom ever being able to do a year ago has been a joyful experience in this time, in these moments. The very thought of being strong enough to handle all that driving last year made me want to throw up. Instead by saying yes I will and can do this drive has left me with filled with gratitude, renewed confidence in my strength and lots of new ideas. I have at least 5 blogs posts that started writing themselves as I drove, this one being just the first. I had some good conversations with my kids and lots of fun, silly moments that I treasure deeply. And I feel that I am rocking my life right now.

Not too shabby for someone who believes car rides are really just moving nap time. 🙂

Tiny Steps

June 10, 2016WarriorLara

tinysteps

Tiny steps forward are often all that I can take. As I keep stepping forward, baby step after baby step, sometimes slow as a turtle I end up making huge strides forward.

It’s okay to walk your path with quiet, steady determination. No matter what the world tries to tell us life isn’t a race.

I’m going to enjoy every step of playfulness and time with my family over the next week and a half. Joy, playfulness, gratitude, breathing space, listening to what I want, all of these are the steps I will take.

What tiny steps can you make today?