I’m trying. I really am!

liion'sroar

There are sooooo many curse words that want to come flying out of my mouth right now.  I feel my Kraken swirling around inside of me wanting to protect me from more crazy ass shit flying around us.  I am trying to listen to her while also tapping into my other archetypal wisdom figures (ie Dragon and my Muse) who help balance out the dark, lashing, energy Kraken brings forth in me.

I am trying every single day (oops almost added some curse words in there) to move forward; to clear my energy; to make new choices for life; to find the positive in situations; to believe that no matter what chaotic messiness pops up around me I can find humor in it; to choose gratitude as my primary focus for my day; to not get sucked into the abyss of seeing only misery and wrongness in my world.  I am trying!

But wow, I am worn out by life right now.  Kateri’s horse, Walter, has problems AGAIN in the leg that just received weeks of treatment.  We are looking at another trip to Mizzou for more treatment.  We are looking at another Thanksgiving with some kind of horse emergency or critical care needed.  In the last 4 years every single major holiday family time – Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas – has brought us some crisis connected to the farm; except for maybe 2.

I am tired – emotionally, mentally, physically.  I am trying to tap into all of my healing, coping tools; I really am.  But wowza I am tired to an extent I can’t even explain.  I just keep thinking enough already. What the blankity blank blank do I need to do to get us the blankity blank out of this pattern?  What on earth is the lesson that I need to learn?  What will it take to stop the frickin merry go round I feel trapped on?  Maybe I am trying to hard and I need to just let go; but let go of what?

Pffft, I will find a better, calmer place tomorrow.  But for tonight I just want to curse, throw things and run the blankity blank away to Costa Rica where my phone won’t work.

The fact that I am still here, choosing to write rather than throw things, is proof that I am not only trying but that I am doing it I guess- I am somehow still going.  The warrior woman in me who imagines herself riding Karoly with a blazing sword in hand, her wolves (yes I imagine Willow, Tara and Hinata to be my wolves) at her side, taking on the world is speaking to me.  She says we can do it!  So I will try and listen to her tonight.

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