Somewhere along the way, I think in the last 6 months, I stopped writing for me. I stopped just living my life out loud and writing my story because I needed to for my own healing and for my own growth. Oh I’ve started writing things, creating glimpses into musings, book titles and book outlines, but nothing has gone beyond glimpses.
Instead I started trying to write for others – to inspire, to inform, to share a glimpse into my journey. I started spending more time worrying about if others would read what I wrote and would “get something” out of it then I did actually writing. I have a good dozen blog posts started that just didn’t get further than a few lines. I tried to hard to edit them as I wrote instead of just letting it flow out of me without worrying about how it would sound to others. They’re saved in my drafts just waiting to be finished; maybe someday.
That worrying, that focusing on others’ needs or interests, has done a fantastic job of shutting up my Muse. The pondering questions I’ve posed to her like “What do you think will help others?”, “Will this get people’s attention?”, and “Do you think others even want to listen to us?” have acted as gags over her voice. They have stopped me from living out loud in this time and this moment – the promise I made to myself way back when this twisty journey of mine began 20 months ago. I promised to live my journey; write my story; be true what I needed for me; and I’ve gone back on those promises to myself in some convoluted desire to help others with my story.
Well here is what I need to tell myself and believe to the depths of my being so that I can return to living my journey; telling my story and being true to ME.
“I am writing this for me – to speak MY story out loud; to live MY life out loud; to try to release the tightness in my chest, the lethargy that wants to keep me glued inside of my house; to finally clear a path forward towards joy. I have locked myself up inside of myself and can’t find a way forward, but I need to.
I want to write MY story, Avalon’s story, Russell’s story – I just want to write. I want to create a book(s) and know that I have awoken my Muse, my dreaming heart to such an extent that She will never be lost again.
I write for me because I want it and need it. I write for me, not for the imagined people somewhere out there who might be inspired by me. I write to inspire myself, to believe in myself, to fully and completely love myself. That is why I write – because I NEED to for ME!
Writing brings me joy, love, purpose, desire to move forward, healing, and peace. Writing is sanctuary for me. It’s the way my dreams become real. Writing is how I take back my life and make it MINE.”
Every single day I need to read this out loud to myself. Maybe in reading this I will remember my promises and believe again that the writing and telling of my story for my own healing and growing is enough. I am enough and deserve to write just for me. Following the bliss I feel when I write is okay. Letting go of worrying about others is okay. Taking back my life and finding pathways to joy in whatever way I can is okay.
I can and I will write for ME!