Category: Musings

Yes, yes, I know that it is the 6th day of Christmas and I am writing about day 4.  This is the one I intended to write on Monday.  However, I dove deep into caving up on Monday –  hiding under my covers while reading, napping, lots of hot tea, watching New Girl, vegging with my kids – and completely forgot about writing.  Then, Tuesday (the 5th day of Christmas) I re-entered working and got caught up in re-organizing projects.  Writing just wasn’t part of my desire for the day.

There is a decent chance that starting tomorrow I am going to go back to writing about whatever enters my brain.  I still have many gifts I am grateful for I wish to blog about and I also many other ideas that are ruminating near the surface, almost ready to be written.  So we shall see what tomorrow brings.

For tonight, I write about with gratitude about my 4 siblings.   My appreciation and love for them has increased profoundly over the past 9+ months.  I’ve always been extremely thankful for the fact that I enjoy spending time with all of them.  That we, as adults, often seek to all be together at family gatherings over many other event possibilities is a joy to me.  I know that this is not always so in all families.

Oh we have our moments of frustration with the actions of one another.  We don’t always see eye to eye.  But even on the tail of disagreements we come back together with a quiet knowing that we love one another and will be there for one another as soon as one of us speaks the need.

This year I have felt the steady, quiet, gentle, powerful presence of each of my siblings.  We aren’t always the most talkative group and that is okay.  I have experienced each and every one of my siblings stepping up to stand next to me during this cuckoo luckoo time.  In the crazy aftermath between Russell’s death, planning his funeral, and the weeks right after I had powerful experiences of their loving presence.

My brothers, Jason and Jeremy, showed up with my parents at the funeral home when it was time to plan the details of Russell’s funeral.   I didn’t know they were coming and was happily stunned by them being there.  To me, it felt like having 2 solid guards/bouncers show up to stand in fierce protection of me.  Their presence felt like this amazing wall of love, strength and caring. Jason became the perfect proofreader of the obituary as my brain stopped being able to function coherently.   I often think back on that afternoon and can easily recall how incredibly loved I felt by these two in those moments.  Jeremy has found the most amazing dragon items for me and even helped me find the idea of the butterfly dragon that tattoos my arm.  I have no doubt these two brothers would stand firmly with me against danger I might face.

My brother, John, spent many, many hours sorting through pictures to pull together one of the most beautiful slide presentations I’ve ever seen.  He had very confused and little communication from me. Yet he somehow saw into my heart and put into visual form all I wanted this slideshow to convey about Russell and his life as I knew it.  I have not yet been able to look back over this slideshow but I have it waiting for me when I am ready.   It is beautiful, creative, loving, and as amazing as John himself is.  John exudes a boundless joy and wonder with the world that he has carried with him since childhood.  This brings great joy to me everytime I am with him.

My sister, Becca, was one of my constant contacts in those first shocking weeks after Russell’s death.  I spent more time with her than I had in a long time before that.  She helped me laugh, create new art things, step outside of my own thoughts, and always said yes to doing something or simply hanging out together.   The jewelry she creates have been powerful touchstones for me.  My tree of life necklaces she made for me barely left my neck the first 6 months of this journey.  I felt the reiki energy she charged it with pour into me at my hardest times. Now, as bracelets are my new things, I wear the chakra bracelet she gave me for Christmas and smile at how cool it is to have such a creative sister.

Each of these siblings I consider friends and am so very happy that they are part of my regular life.  I love looking at pictures of family trips, adventures, and just simple nights of playing cards or games together.  I look forward to many more of these times.  I am filled with gratitude that they are part of my life for more than just the biggest events of life.

I love you my siblings.  Thank you for supporting, loving, and being there for me and my kids.  Know that you are deeply appreciated and I am so very, very happy you are my brothers and sister.

 

Source: Day 3 – The gift of my children

After a brief detour yesterday, I am back to matching the gift I’m writing about with the number of the day of Christmas we are on.  You know, “on the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me 3…”   I find this a fun challenge for myself and love the thought of matching up as many days as possible with that same number of gifts to write about each day.

Well, on this 3rd day of Christmas I do write about the 3 gifts my true love gave to me, our 3 spectacular children.  The greatest thing Russell and I ever did together was parent our 3 children.  Even in those times when things weren’t quite right between us as a couple, parenting our children and helping guide them through childhood was a mutually loved endeavor.  I can honestly say there is nothing in this world that I am prouder of than my 3 children – Kateri, Soren and Demetri.  And I know that Russell loved them more than even he could ever express to them.

We’ve had a number of opportunities over this holiday season to witness lots of toddlers and young children reveling in the fun that comes during this time of the year.  My kids and I have smiled watching little ones run around, talk of Santa, look adorable in holiday clothes, and just be the little bundles of wonder that they can be.  It has brought back lots of fun memories of when my kids were younger and I have enjoyed sharing stories with them of their younger years.  Wow, were they adorable, magical kids.  And they are growing into magical, adorable still, and fun to be with teens and adults.

I love nothing more than spending time with these 3 fascinating human beings.  Our ability right now to understand and support each other has been a powerful gift of this time, this moment for me.  Our need for silence at any given moment is something we all respect and honor for each other.  Our desire to be silly at times and simply play like children has been a balm to my wounded heart.  Our willingness to give each other space while also being open to listening no matter what else might be happening is a gift that I deeply treasure and hope continues for the rest of our lives.

Soren is a daily inspiration to me to get into better shape.  I have watched this young man transform his body, mind and spirit over the last couple of years.  Even as I have slid way backwards in the physical health aspect of my being, he continues to make daily strides to stay on track and make healthy choices.  Our conversations when it is just he and I always leave me curious to learn more.  Watching him figure out how to articulate what he most needs right now in an honest and yet gentle way with me is an honor to witness.  I watch him begin to spread his wings and desire to break free into new open spaces.  He is brave, loving, funny, strong, gorgeous, creative, and smart as a whip.  He is seeking a clear path forward that leads him to a better understanding of himself and I seek to cheer him along in any way I can.

Demetri, my munchkin baby, now towers over me. I swear he is growing at least 1 -2 inches a month. Every time I turn around we are going shopping again.  He is one of the sweetest, kindest young men I know.  His smile can light up the room. And I love how he gently cares for me right now.  He can make intellectual connections especially in science and math that make my brain spin.  The stories that he writes make me smile in their creativity and the depth of his characters.  Only my brother, John, could talk faster at his age than Demetri.  Somehow his speaking can keep up the speed of his brain even if I can’t follow it all the time.  Demetri is learning to speak his truth about what he most believes about himself.  I stand in awe of him.  He can engage in activities like reading or playing a game so completely that the rest of the world drops away.  He remains my snuggle kid, often hugging me several times a day.  He has the biggest heart especially for animals and all of nature.  He is a young man full of compassion, love, passion for all kinds of myths, a growing sense of his own style, and much joy for learning.  I love when he calls me Mater because of his learning of Latin. Seriously, what young teen chooses to learn Latin just because they want to?

Kateri has grown into such a strong, empathic young woman.  She is deeply committed to her family and her friends, being willing to be there for them no matter what.  As can often happen with young women, she has little idea of how truly beautiful she is. I watch her with the care she is giving to her horse, Walter, and know that she has embraced the full understanding of being responsible for another living being.  Not a day goes by that she doesn’t think about what more she can be doing to heal this horse of hers.  No matter how tired she is, or what the weather is, or what else is going on she goes out to take care of him.  I see this faithfulness of hers in her love for me and her brothers as well.  She is constantly tuning herself into what we might be feeling, seeking ways to help if she can.  She is making daily choices to seek new ways to heal, grow, learn, and understand herself better.  She is fun to be with, loving, beautiful, an excellent teacher, smart, silly, and deeply connected to those around her.  I am so proud to be able to watch her train young people and be a role model in so many ways.  I love that at 18 she still likes spending time with me.

I am humbled to be the mother of these 3 wonderful human beings.  I am in awe daily of the ways that they are growing during this cuckoo luckoo time of ours.  I am honored that they consider me trustworthy enough to share their stories, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their lives with me.  I love them more than I ever thought was possible and believe them to be the absolute greatest gifts of my life.

 

If I have learned nothing else in these past 8 years running Avalon Horse Farm, I have learned that flexibility is one of the key traits that needs to be practiced at all times.  Last night I knew what I wanted to write about on this second day of Christmas.  But today, it has become clear that it is much more important to write about the gift of Avalon’s community.   They are a gift to me that I can never quite grasp what I have done to deserve such faithfulness, love, and outpouring from over and over again.   I stand in awe of being part of a community that is truly magical.

Avalon was named with the following in mind.  We shared this understanding of Avalon in our first communication with this community over 8 years ago.   It remains true for today in more ways than I could have imagined.

  “Those of you familiar with the King Arthur stories will recognize Avalon as the place that was between the worlds.  It was not heaven, but it also was not the bustle and mundaneness of ordinary life. It is our intention and desire to create for you an experience with your horse that is outside of the bustle and ordinariness of everyday life.  We want your experience to be close to other worldly.   We have done much over the years to make this Vision a reality.  Most importantly I believe that Avalon has become for many, many people and creatures a place of Sanctuary.  A place where the rest of the world can fall away.”

Avalon as sanctuary has been my deepening desire for a couple of years now.  I have settled into recognizing that this place is more than a horse boarding and teaching facility.  Oh I think folks come to us seeking these things.  But they stay because they find peace and healing and space to dream.  Folks come to us when they need what we can offer and they leave when they are ready for something new.

This year this community and this space has been my sanctuary, my place of breathing and healing.  The space itself heals my wounded spirit.  The animals humor me and make me smile.  And the people, wow the people, stun me day after day after day with their embracing of me in whatever way I can show up each day.  Never have I been part of a community of people who are more generous, loving, dedicated to dreaming, and willing to jump right in to make new things happen for the whole farm.  And never have I been part of an entire community who loves my kids and I with such faithfulness.

Every year the people of Avalon have gone in on a gift for me and for the farm.  Years past have brought wheelbarrows, rakes, round bale feeders, chiropractic gift certificates, a car, miniature horses, paid off vet bills, heated hoses, and my Willow puppy.  I have been surprised with more wonderful things than I could ever imagine.

Well this year, it’s gotten even bigger. This community led by the force of nature that Denise and John Wottowa can be, has pulled together the funds, the workforce, the supplies, and the plans(thanks Dad)  to build our Avalon Sanctuary Retreat Center.  IT IS HAPPENING!  My desire to have an inside, retreat space to offer concentrated programs focusing on healing of humans’ hearts is going to happen!  The unbelievable outpouring of talent, time, and funds has made us more than meet our goal to build and BUILD NOW!

This gift is beyond my imaginings and I am deeply filled with gratitude for this amazing Christmas gift.  It is a gift for me and a gift for the whole community.  It is a gift of belief in my dreams for what we can do at Avalon.  It is a testament of faith in me.  It is a community gathering around and saying YES!

The added piece of this gift for me today was that the excited, pumped up community that all wanted to be there for the giving of this gift listened to my need for space today.  They heard my sadness, my feelings of being overwhelmed by missing Russell, my need for alone time and allowed the gift to be given to me in a quiet, few people involved, way.  I know that everyone wanted to be there to watch me receive the gift cards and money and plans for this project.  I am touched to the depth of my being that everyone allowed me to say what I could handle. Know that I felt your presence with me and am thankful for you all!

I do not have adequate words to say thank you enough to these people who obviously care about more than I can really comprehend.  I am blessed to be surrounded by people who allow me to be me all the time.  What an amazing gift that I hope I never take for granted.   I definitely didn’t know 8 years ago upon naming this Avalon to create a space of being that it was exactly what it would become that very sanctuary space for me in the hardest time of my life.

I love you Avalonians.  Thank you for this Christmas gift and for the gift you are for me every single day.

 

Stirring inside of me as I’ve prepared for Christmas are the ideas for a series of musings around the topic of gifts.  As I’ve purchased, wrapped and given gifts I’ve thought a great deal about what I experience as my greatest gifts right now. Much has been rambling through my mind and heart as I think of all the things I have in my life that leave me feeling full of gratitude and joy.

I am going to attempt to write about 1 particular gift for each of the next 12 days of the traditional Christmas season.  Oh, I have grandiose ideas of sticking with the theme of the song, you know the thought of 1 thing for the first day, 2 for the second, 3 for the third, etc.  We will see how far along I can get into this idea and stick to the numbers.  They aren’t that important but it is a fun sounding challenge to see how I can play around with this song and use it for my writing.  We shall see what happens.

Today is easy.  I am thankful for the gift of my 1 amazing family (not everyone pictured here).  In all of the times and all of the moments of this year, I have been filled with love and gratitude for this family of mine.  For the ways in which they have embraced me and my kids, allowing us to be however we need to be in each and every moment, in every gathering has been a balm to my aching being.  Every time I am with them I leave feeling a little more renewed.  And definitely a lot loved. I smile, laugh, cry, nap, drink, play cards, talk and so much more with this family.

The silliness of our gatherings, the realness of being authentic human beings, the commitment to tradition, the willingness to try new things, the desire to spend as much time together during the holidays as we can, and the constant thread of caring are gifts without measure.    I am fully aware that I am blessed to have a family that I want to be with and spend time with.  I am appreciative of the enduring awareness that they would all be there for me and my kids with one spoken word.

So today, on this first day of Christmas, I revel in my 1 amazing, loving, silly, awesome, wonderful family.  In this time, in this moment and in every time, in every moment I am thankful for the gift of a family who loves to be together.  What a miraculous, glorious gift we are!  Love you family!!!

 

 

I love getting gifts for people, especially at Christmas.  I love trying to find just the right gift, something I know each person will love.  I love the shopping for them, wrapping them, and putting them under the tree.  I love watching them open it.  It’s all just a wonderful part of the holiday season for me.

This year things are off.  Oh I’ve had fun shopping for gifts and wrapping them.  I think I’ve found some gifts that are ones people will like.  A few are even ones that I know will be huge hits.  But it is all just off.

As I check in with myself each day I notice the following thoughts running through my mind several times a day:

*What if I got all the wrong gifts?

*I can’t possibly have gotten enough yet.

*Maybe I should start over.

*What was it they really wanted?

*What if it’s all a bust?

Even this morning as I prepare for our Christmas Eve celebrating I find I am having an internal battle with myself.  Should I go out one more time for a few more gifts for the kids?  Or, is it all okay and I can just relax for a few hours?  I hear these same things from my kids as they wonder out loud if they’ve done okay with their gift buying.

As this rattles through me I realize it isn’t about the physical gifts.  It is about the fact that the one gift I wish I could give to us all was having Russell back.  I can’t make the pain and confusion of this time go away.  I can’t magically make it all right again no matter how much I wish I could. And since that isn’t something I can do no gift, no matter how awesome it might be, is going to feel like enough.

I know for a fact that all of us have put a lot of effort and love into our gift purchasing for one another.  But all of us recognize deep inside ourselves that we are trying to fill a gap that can’t be filled.  We are making great efforts to spoil one another, bring as much joy to the time as we can, and focus on each other.

I will embrace the joy of these next few days and allow myself to be however I need to be.  I will encourage my children to do the same.  Together we will enjoy as much as we can.  And together we will miss Russell and wish he could be with us.  In this time, in this moment I am most grateful for the gift of my children who have always  been my greatest gifts.

 

 

All morning I found myself humming the song “Just put one foot in front of the other” from the cartoon Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  Over and over again I hummed and sang the few lines I remember from the song.  “You put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking out the door.”  It became a mantra as I tried to motivate myself to leave the house on another dreary, gray day.  I was feeling pleased with myself when I actually did it and walked out the door.

As I let my mind wander with what was truthfully realistic for me to accomplish today I decided to stop for caffeine and gas, caffeine being the more prominent thought in my head.  I left the gas pumping while I went into the gas station to get some tea and a couple of scratch off tickets.  Back in my truck, I was pleasantly surprised when I scratched off one of the tickets and found I had won $3. Every little bit makes me smile.  I  started the truck and pulled away.

Immediately I heard a loud thunk; thought what was that and my brain started working again.  At the same time I was stopping and other customers were pointing to me truck, I realized I had driven off with the hose still attached to my truck.  Aw shit!  I drove back to the pump and got out to see the hose just dangling from my truck.  Somehow I managed to not break and sit down sobbing right there.  I removed the hose, placed it next to gas pump and went inside.  I almost collapsed onto the counter as I asked what I would owe or what paperwork I needed to fill or what I needed to do.

I came very, very close to babbling my whole story to the ladies behind the counter.  The story of Russell, Walter, struggling with the holidays, missing the sun, longing for Costa Rica which I’ve never been to but dream of living in daily; the whole, long, sordid detail almost came tumbling out of me in great, heaving sobs.  Somehow I kept it together and said none of the things pushing to break free from inside of me.  I focused on the hose and what I needed to do in the moment alone.

I walked out with the manager who was very quiet.  When we got out to the truck and I was apologizing profusely, I asked her what I needed to do – paperwork, payment, anything?   She said usually she should have someone fill out paperwork but she wasn’t going to worry about it today.  She told me most folks just drive off and that the hoses have quick releases on them.  I thanked her and got into my truck.

It was in there that I collapsed.  That hose was simply the final straw of the morning.  All of it came flooding over me like a giant wave.  The tears just poured from me as sobs came flooding out of me.  I just sat there for awhile allowing it all to be released and felt and honored.  Then I took a big, deep breath, wiped my eyes, decided that I would still go to work and not just go home and hide, and I drove towards the farm.

I am trying.  I really am trying to keep moving forward with my healing.  I do my best to focus upon the positive things that happen each day.  I do my best to focus on the love in my life and the ways in which I still feel Russell’s presence.  The little milestones or bits of sunshine that happen each day do keep me able to at least tread water in the rough sea of grieving.  But the holiday season that started with Thanksgiving and our anniversary is weighing upon me more than I had anticipated.  When just getting out the door to go to a job I love is hard, the time involved planning for events and shopping for dozens of folks seems monumental.  The lack of consistent sunshine, always a winter challenge for me, seems like a voice saying “Just stay home where it is warm and safe and you can hide away from the world. The horses are fine. The farm is fine. You don’t need to go out. Stay here.”

But here I sit today, in my office at Avalon still humming to myself “Just put one foot in front of the other” over and over and over again.  That gas hose was a gift that opened up the flood gates to my tears which needed to be released. And it opened me up to write again which has been something that has felt very far away for a few weeks and I’ve missed it.   I’m planning to paint a new room addition today with bright colors.  I’m planning to snuggle with my Willow puppy. I’m planning to have conversations about new possibilities for learning and growing with the horses.  I’m planning to find listen closely to my heart and what it most needs right now, in this time, this moment.  I’m planning to allow myself to simply be in the moments of the day and allow myself to float upon the waves of my life.  All because of a gas hose.

Today is the 20th anniversary of the day Russell and I were married.  It’s not that it would have been our anniversary.  Whether he is with me physically or not, it IS our 20th anniversary.  It is a day to remember the commitment we made to one another to live a life of love, light and hope.  It is a day to tell stories and be the same person I would have been if Russell was still here in this world with me.  It is a day to look at pictures, listen to music, and smile about what a magical day our wedding was.  It is a day to honor our love in the best ways I can in this time, in this moment. By stepping forward with new intentions for my life I honor the love Russell and I shared.
“I want to honor the love, not the pain and not the suffering.”   Oh yes, I have no doubt that I will still have darker days but I seek at this time, in this moment to honor the love, hope and joy of why we chose to be together.  That’s where my healing is, in honoring the love.  I don’t want to focus my intentions or my energy on the muddled days, on the messy feeling days, on the heavy days.  I want to focus my energy and my sharings on the love I continue to feel.

Russell and I saw ourselves as individuals and as a couple as Wisdom Seekers.  We very much saw life as a constant quest for more knowledge – of ourselves, of others, of the universe, of the great mystery of life.  This is part of what drew us together. It’s also one of the strongest threads that could keep us engaged with one another even in our harder times.  We always had a sense that there is much more to this life than what we can see and touch.  Both of us love conversations with people that are real, seeking conversations.

Other common loves that drew us together and kept us together:

*Love of debating – Russell loved this one more than me but it was definitely a common thread between us.

*Love of community – one of my first memories is of Russell speaking in our first shared theology class about his need and love of community.  I been an organizer of groups and a builder of community since my late teen years.  This common thread between us was one of the strongest and most sought after.

*Love of helping others

*Love of reggae and salsa music – we spent much of our early years dancing.  Bob Marley’s “Is it love?” was our first dance at our wedding reception.  Dancing at weddings was always a wonderful treat.  Every time I dance at NIA now I think of him and smile.

*Love surprising others

*Love the outside

*Love reading – we had vastly different tastes in our reading choices but it is something we both loved to do.  Sitting in a coffee shop, each reading our own current favorite, was often something we would do on our anniversary.

*Love of the beach – this is the second strongest, early memory I have of Russell.  As we left our first class we had together and walked outside, Russell took off his flip flops.  Kind of stunned all of us around him, not in a bad way, just in a what’s happening way. He announced to the group “I have a beach spirituality and I need to have my feet on the ground as much as possible.”  We then had a brief conversation about Florida, the state he was from and my heart state, and I was most definitely intrigued by this person.  The rest is history.

*Love of family – some of our absolutely favorite times were spent being with our families.  Playing cards, lots of conversations, good food, silliness, going out, and so much more.  Just being with family is essential for us both.

 

Louis Hay and David Kessler write  in their book You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death,     “Healing from loss isn’t like getting a cold and a week later, you’re better.  Healing takes time, but we can teach people to say that they’re looking forward to peace.  The grief before the peace is extremely important because it is an authentic expression of your feelings as you build a new foundation, a stronger one.”

Russell was as unique a person as they come.  He always strove to be true to himself and his convictions no matter what.  Truth and the seeking of truth was one of his highest priorities.   Speaking and living my truth has become a daily intention for me.

I honor him, I honor US, by building my new foundation in light, love, hope and peace.  I honor our love and our early dreams by speaking my truth. I honor our love, and not just the pain of this time, in focusing on the ways that he continues to be present in my life everyday.  I honor our love as I focus on my healing not just my grieving.  I honor our love every time I focus on my self-care and our kids care, tapping out of stuff that isn’t good for us.  I honor our love when I attempt to see the good in every single moment of my day.  I honor our love when I cave up to recoup and re-energize.  I honor our love in my dancing, my playing, my laughing, my finding joy in my life. I honor our love in allowing myself to feel happy without feeling guilty.  I honor our love in the ways that I love and support our children on their own, unique paths.  I honor our love when I honestly share my pain so that it doesn’t fester and eat me up inside. I honor our love as I change patterns of thinking that no longer serve me to new ones that do.

Every time that I choose to focus on peace, love, light, joy and gratitude I honor our love.  In this time, in this moment, in every time, in every moment, I honor our love.   Happy anniversary Russell. Today I will laugh, and love, and be silly, and drink a beer in honor of our love.  Today I celebrate US!

Before I start writing about today’s musing I must first say that last night’s celebration for Avalon Horse Farm’s 8 year anniversary was amazing!  It is always one of my favorite days of the year.  The camaraderie, yummy food, creative costumes for horses and riders, cooperation, game playing of kids 5 on up to 18,  gorgeous and warm fires, stall trick or treating, and the overall positive vibe of everything at the farm during these celebrations is spectacular.  Last night’s weather couldn’t have been more perfect and the joy was almost palpable all evening.

As absolutely wonderful as the celebration was and as loved as I felt all evening there was a deep thread of aching for me throughout the day of prepping and the evening of festivities.  As I looked around this amazing community of horses and humans (and some dogs and cats too – smile) I felt such a missing of Russell and a fresh sinking in of the reality of this time, this moment for me that I wanted to run away from the farm and hide away in some cave all alone most of my time at Avalon.   I found myself sitting almost glued into my chair at times, holding onto the arms of the chair to keep myself from jumping up and just running away.  In the midst of feeling such great joy and love for the farm, its’ people and creatures, the fantastic fire, and the conversations all around me, I also wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry until there were no more tears left inside of me.  I found myself being very quiet at times because I knew if I opened my mouth to speak long rambling sentences of sadness would pour out of me and I very much wanted to keep myself and the whole of Avalon firmly in focusing on joy last night.

But I stayed and entered into conversations as well as I could.  I smiled and laughed and played with the kids and reveled in the biggest fire I think we’ve ever had.  I stayed all the way until the end, turning off all the lights and saying goodbye to my animals before driving home. I took a few last pictures and soaked up the quiet, healing breath this magical place, Avalon, holds for me.

It was as I drove home that I pondered how it was that I could stay all night when a large part of me wanted to flee into the cave of reclusiveness.  Oh, I know a large part of it was the obvious joy pouring forth from all of the people gathered there last night.  As they have done for these many months, it is the joy and love of others that I tap into to carry me through when I am feeling shaky and vulnerable.  It’s easier to feel the light and happiness when those around you are so very content with the space they are in.  And I had dozens and dozens of folks sharing that with me yesterday.

But it was a deeper insight that I had that leaves me pondering today.  I realized as I drove home that throughout the day I had stepped into my Zone.  My Zone is the place that I quickly move into whenever there is a crisis in my life whether it be at the farm or at home.  My Zone is the place that I easily am able to stand in that Center Space of breathing, light, love and possibility.  In the Zone I can problem solve, help others to center and ground themselves, see possibilities for healing, and handle just about anything with grace and dignity.

Russell and I used to celebrate the fact that in a crisis he and I were an almost unstoppable team.  We could work together during these times without speaking almost.  Somehow in those crisis times we would set aside all the goofiness of everyday challenges and open ourselves up to the realness of what is most important.  In the Zone we were strong, calm, and very capable of handling whatever was thrown at us.

What I realized last night is that I have somehow, in the last few months, learned how to step my way into the Zone whenever I need to create a safe space around me.  I don’t need there to be a crisis to trigger a drop into this space.  I simply need to make the choice to stay in the center space of missing and belonging, of joy and sadness, of absence and presence, of grieving and healing.

I was kind of in awe as I realized that I am learning how to tap into the power and strength that My Zone provides for me.  It is a place that I can choose to stay in joy rather than flee with the sadness that wants to grab hold of me. It is a place that I can be present without having to be completely engaged in everything swirling around me.  It is a place that I feel very strong and capable.  It is a place that light and love are more present than anything else.  My Zone is the place that this time, this moment are all that matters.

I am deeply grateful for the wisdom I am gaining right now.  I am deeply grateful for the ways that I am learning to tap into my wisdom and my strength at all times, not just in those desperate times of a crisis.  I am deeply grateful that I feel and see Russell’s in so much of the world around me – our kids, giant bonfires, silly sock baskets, good beer, and more.  I am deeply grateful that I have family and friends who hold me up even without knowing they are doing so.  I am deeply grateful that I am able to start stepping into My Zone of power and possibility and safety anytime I need to. I am deeply grateful that I stayed at Avalon for the entire celebration and soaked in as much joy as I possibly could.  I am deeply grateful for this time, this moment, this life.

The sun is shining.  The temps are just about perfect for November. The birds are singing.  Tonight we celebrate Avalon’s 8 year anniversary with a pony parade, potluck, bonfire and more.  It’s by far the best weather we’ve ever had for our yearly celebration.  And yet I find I can’t get myself out of the house this morning.

It is at times like this that I am acutely aware both of Russell’s ongoing presence in my life through the sharing of stories, pictures, and lots of memories, and the absence of his physical being.  On a daily basis I walk this in between space between presence and absence. But bigger events, especially ones that Russell also loved, make the walking a little more poignant.  Reminding myself to simply focus on my breath is a mantra I repeat over and over and over at these times.

I have complete confidence that there will be lots of reminders of Russell tonight.  I also have complete confidence that there will be at least dozens of times I will think I am hearing his voice, or will look around to tell him something, or will smile as I watch others tend the fire as he so loved to do.   I will be aware in every part of my being of both his absence and his presence to me, our kids, and this community we celebrate tonight.

I am deeply grateful that the sun is out and shining brightly.  It calls to me to come out and bask in the warmth of movement in the sunshine.  I know that I will be able to move better and breathe more deeply once I get out and to the farm completing the final prepping for tonight.  Being with my pups, the horses, the people of a community who is excited about all that Avalon is for so many, my kids, all of these things are the call to step away from a rabbit hole of twisted up grieving that I can see wanting to open up before me.

I also know that my cave calls to me to enter and rest and lay down the sadness for just a little while. I have scheduled nothing for tomorrow so that I can rest and simply be in whatever space I need to be in.  I will be able to revel in all the wonderfulness I know will happen today. And I will be able to simply sit in that place of pondering Russell’s absence and presence.  I am at least getting much wiser about scheduling my rest time after a large event.  Smile!

My world calls to me and now, after writing some of the fogginess out of my head, I feel ready to step outside.  I am grateful for so very, very much today! In this time and in this moment I choose to fly in the light.