Presence and Absence


The sun is shining.  The temps are just about perfect for November. The birds are singing.  Tonight we celebrate Avalon’s 8 year anniversary with a pony parade, potluck, bonfire and more.  It’s by far the best weather we’ve ever had for our yearly celebration.  And yet I find I can’t get myself out of the house this morning.

It is at times like this that I am acutely aware both of Russell’s ongoing presence in my life through the sharing of stories, pictures, and lots of memories, and the absence of his physical being.  On a daily basis I walk this in between space between presence and absence. But bigger events, especially ones that Russell also loved, make the walking a little more poignant.  Reminding myself to simply focus on my breath is a mantra I repeat over and over and over at these times.

I have complete confidence that there will be lots of reminders of Russell tonight.  I also have complete confidence that there will be at least dozens of times I will think I am hearing his voice, or will look around to tell him something, or will smile as I watch others tend the fire as he so loved to do.   I will be aware in every part of my being of both his absence and his presence to me, our kids, and this community we celebrate tonight.

I am deeply grateful that the sun is out and shining brightly.  It calls to me to come out and bask in the warmth of movement in the sunshine.  I know that I will be able to move better and breathe more deeply once I get out and to the farm completing the final prepping for tonight.  Being with my pups, the horses, the people of a community who is excited about all that Avalon is for so many, my kids, all of these things are the call to step away from a rabbit hole of twisted up grieving that I can see wanting to open up before me.

I also know that my cave calls to me to enter and rest and lay down the sadness for just a little while. I have scheduled nothing for tomorrow so that I can rest and simply be in whatever space I need to be in.  I will be able to revel in all the wonderfulness I know will happen today. And I will be able to simply sit in that place of pondering Russell’s absence and presence.  I am at least getting much wiser about scheduling my rest time after a large event.  Smile!

My world calls to me and now, after writing some of the fogginess out of my head, I feel ready to step outside.  I am grateful for so very, very much today! In this time and in this moment I choose to fly in the light.