Unraveling of the rope

Sometimes, more often than not these days, I have experiences of the rope I am holding unraveling getting smaller and smaller, and harder to hold onto. Yesterday was one of those days as my daughter’s horse, Walter, had to be taken to the University hospital for the 6th time with an emergency.  Ever since my husband died in March 2015 this horse has been one of the lifelines for my daughter’s healing.  We’ve almost lost him several times as well in the past 14 months and it’s been a roller coaster of a ride.  All is settled today and we have a clear path forward for his recovery.  Yesterday though was an emotional mess of a day.

This blog post is really just a diary log of everything that I shared with my communities as updates throughout my day.   There are some patterns I am working to sort through, get cleared and try to release.  I want to remember insights from yesterday and this diary log can help be a reminder.

#1

Hi ho, hi ho it’s off to Mizzou we go.

Well it wouldn’t be a holiday for us without something with some horse going wrong would it? Definitely not in the past 4 years anyway. I don’t know what energy or lesson to be learned I am stuck in but I feel like I am in an awful version of the movie Groundhog Day.

Walter’s leg, that we just finished 3 weeks of treatment on, is blown up again and he is lame. We are headed to Mizzou today to test him for sepsis. If his leg is septic he will be having surgery today. If it isn’t septic he will return home today then go back there next week for surgery to remove the fibrous mass we had all thought and hoped would just be a non invasive eye sore, but obviously isn’t.

All healing thoughts and energy is, as always, appreciated. Kateri and I are trying to hold it together but it gets more challenging every time.   Honestly, I have reached the very end of my rope.  I am frayed, frazzled and unable to find much positive right now. Folks are saying ‘you will get through this; it will be okay.”  Well Yes I will get through it because I always do. But I’m done thinking it will be okay, because things just keep happening with us over and over and over and over again. We get through one thing, we start to make strides forward then bam we are jerked back into Groundhog Day I am starting to lose any joy that I’ve always had for horses and it is leaving me very sad.  I feel like I’m losing another core part of who I have always been.  I hold bit and pieces of hope that it will return but right now, in this time and this moment.  Kateri too is trying to hold it together but is walking a tight rope as well.

At this point I am holding onto all hope that we will bring him back today and that tomorrow WE WILL be with all of you with the farm, its’ horses and our angst stuff tightly locked away behind interior doors so we can enjoy the great delight of being with all of you.

Oh Walter!

#2

That moment when the person taking your Taco Bell order asks if you want the senior discount. I know I must look awful due to exhaustion but I guess I look worse than I thought.

On a good note my emotional state is getting better. When the lady at the gas station said to have a nice day I did not say “pffftt. ” Instead I said “thanks, you too.”Baby steps. I will take them. Almost to Mizzou.

#3

Walter update…

Exam including an ultrasound and a tap to draw out fluid of his joint as occurred. It looks like he has a hematoma in there. This is a better case scenario than other issues. If that’s all it is he will go home with some meds, have restricted turnout for 30 to 60 days, and only need more extensive treatment if gets worse. We’re waiting for culture of joint fluid to rule out infection then hopefully home. If no infection surgery at this time is unlikely;only if doesn’t get better. Whew!

On another note, we are talking through the whole holiday and horse emergencies reality. We figure it started about 4 years ago but why it happens most holidays is baffling. My newest theory is that it was about 4 years ago that I started arranging workers to cover all my shifts on holidays in an attempt to get a full break to spend time with my family. Perhaps I just need to plan to work some each holiday so the horses can all see me. It’s as good of a theory as any and will be taken into consideration. 😀

Thanks all for your support. We’re getting there.

#4

NO INFECTION! It’s restricted turnout for 60 days with icing the hock 2x a day. Fingers crossed that’s it!  On a positive note, they are returning, this bill was the smallest ones of his by far! And we weren’t driving in the middle of the night. Giant thank you to Nikki for driving us again. The 3 of us think our next trip should be to a beach. Lol. On our way home.

#5

Walter’s home and settled. Now his humans are heading home for hot baths, dinner and bed. WHEW!

Thanks for holding sacred space for us all day today. You kept us sane!

 

A few of the insights I had are:

  1.  Commit to Seeking Joy with Horses again – walks, sitting with them, grooming, breathing them in.
  2. Playtime at Avalon needed again
  3. Just a quick walk and breathe at the farm on holidays, humming Be Well.  Land and the animals need me in a way I don’t quite understand completely.
  4. Cutting cords and other clearing energy tools must be used DAILY
  5. Daily drumming in Sanctuary space

 

PLAY, PLAY, PLAY!  This is path to finding JOY again.  When I stopped focusing on the kids and teens I lost the element of play they naturally bring.

 

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