I miss Russell. To the depths of my inner core, I am missing him these last few days. Yesterday I walked around in a state of shock as close to the shock I experienced right after he died. It took me 15 minutes to get out of my truck at the end of my day because the racking tears I was shedding were too much for me to even get my seat belt off. I just sat there crying and wishing I could talk to him.
Thankfully all 3 of my children were home and able to reach out to me as I stumbled out of the truck and into the house. Hugs, conversation and some m&ms helped take the edge off. Naming my truth that I wanted Russell there to talk about the election and all its potential ramifications was what helped the most. Russell would have had words of wisdom throughout this entire election process that I dearly would have loved to hear. Russell loved history and governmental things to a degree I just couldn’t understand often, but I had great respect for. Listening to him talk about current affairs with passion and knowledge was something many of us who knew him enjoyed. My kids all were wishing they could have talked with him yesterday and I am sure there are many of our friends who were wishing the same.
Michelle Steinke, the One Fit Widow, nailed it last night when she wrote the following:
Yesterday was a big day and regardless of who you voted for, if you are grieving, you may struggle with significant shifts happening in the world, and you endure a kind of grief that is hard to understand and often unrecognized. It’s the idea that major things are happening around you and YOUR person is not there to talk about it with, to commiserate pain, to help you make sense of it all, and an added sense of loneliness in a big and often scary world.
Tonight, I want to validate and recognize that pain because it’s real, it’s daunting, and it’s frankly pretty awful.
There is much that has baffled me and set me on edge throughout this entire election process. The depths of discontent with the state of affairs in our country crosses all boundaries; it’s one of the most common threads I’ve recognized. There is much work ahead of all of us as a country to continue to grow and live with grace, respect, understanding, and love. I remain hopeful that we can continue to find light in the midst of the darkness and that together we can heal and prosper. I have to believe this or the despair would eat me alive.
For awhile I may need to steer clear of watching the news and minimizing my social media viewing. My heart just hurts too much that I can’t talk with Russell. Even in the midst of the loving circles of friends and family around me, I feel too alone right now as I look around to ask Russell what his take is on things happening and then remember he’s not here. This sharp pain will ease back into a dull ache with time, but for now I need to acknowledge that I just need some healing, quiet space.
Today I feel stronger and more ready to function again. Maybe the fact that I allowed myself to simply collapse into sleep before 8 pm is helping. Smile. Or the fact that I reached out to several people last night just to reassure myself I am not alone. Also the fact that my muse is awakening and I am finding my words again; I have missed her! And definitely because I deeply believe in the power of love to overcome hate even if it is ways that don’t seem very clear right away.
All I can do is MY part – share MY story; live MY purpose; make MY choices to live a life of love, purpose, respect for ALL people; offer Sanctuary space for those needing a safe place to breathe and be; and always, ALWAYS choose a powerful path of love and peace. In this time, in this moment, in every time, in every moment I STAND IN LOVE!