My musings are the fairy dust I am scattering upon the path in front of me before I take a step. I know that I am standing at center in a magical place filled with light and love that is allowing me to walk this grieving path unconsumed by the darkness that threatens to reach inside and swallow me whole. If I didn’t have the gift of an awoken muse and the active love of everyone around me, I wouldn’t be able to speak. And speak I must or I will hide under my covers and no one but my kids will be allowed inside. So, I speak my words and see the fairy dust settle on my path, and I take another step (baby though it maybe) forward.
Today, I write of the Kraken and the Dragonbutterly – two deeply contrasted mythical creatures for me. They speak to the two realities within me – dark and light, grief and healing, alone and together, freedom and entrapment. And they point to the place in between in which I try to stand.
First the simple list I created of what these two mythical creatures are for me:
water only creature sky creature who also swims and can walk on ground
silent calls out and talks to me
wants to destroy wants to protect – can destroy
drags things down into the dark can lift self and rider up into the light
strangles things fires things
slimy scaly and sparkly
solitary can live alone or with others
untouchable can be partnered with
many tentacled wings and talons
caves in dark, solitary places caves in high places
loves the cold, dark loves the sun
My breathing and grounding are all part of my knowing that I stand in the center of these two realities, these two imaginings.
When the Kraken arises in me with deep pain and anguish I feel myself slipping into being dragged down into the depths and being swallowed whole. And the Kraken wants to take everyone in our wake down along with me. Staying in the dark depths of silence and grieving is a very real part of this journey. I am experiencing these moments and these feelings. Even if I don’t speak of them often I am feeling the depths of despair and fog so thick it is hard to see. And I know that I need to allow myself to feel all of this. I just don’t want to be swallowed completely with no chance of return. The great danger of the Kraken is that it is very strong and its’ multiple tentacles can reach from many directions. The great gift of the Kraken is the quickness in which I can get to the solitude of darkness and hide away for a time.
When the Dragonbutterfly arises in me I feel my heart open and I climb aboard ready to soar into the sun. I can scream loudly to the whole world my pain and I can shoot fire to create a circle of safety around me. But the fire is both protective and life giving. It destroys and it warms. With Dragonbutterfly I can soar above it all and still settle back to ground to settle and re-ground myself. I live in the light of possibility and healing with Dragonbutterfly. Her talons can protect and also draw love towards us.
Both of these are real for me and necessary for walking this path I find myself upon. I must go to the depths alone to be able to soar into freedom. I must cry to be able to sing again. I must walk in the center of the path so that I don’t swing too far to one side or the other. If I swing too far, I deny the necessity to grieve and to hope all at the same time.
There is already so much darkness in our world that threatens to swallow us all whole. Writing and speaking my truths are the way to wholeness for me. Sharing my musings are the way for me to continue to honor the story of US – Russell’s and my journey together. When I can stand in the pulsing light and love filled center of the tension between Kraken and Dragonbutterfly, all is well. Because somehow, as pure gift to me, it is in that center that I can feel it all – pain and love, hope and despair, light and dark, death and life. And it is in this center, this gifted place, that I most feel Russell’s presence and for that I am so very, very glad. It is out of this center that I do all I can to share the story of US so I can most deeply honor Russell’s gifts to us all.
I do not know exactly how it is that I am able to stand in this center place through so much of this journey. I simply know that I am. And I know it is a gift for which I am eternally grateful. It is a gift from Russell; a gift from the divine; a gift from the threads you all are weaving to hold me up; it is a gift of knowing I am never ever alone even when all I feel is alone.
So I stand in the center with Kraken on one side and Dragonbutterfly on the other, both released to be part of this healing journey. There is great power and honor in standing with the mystery of them both right next to me.