Here is the second of my writings from my time in the hospital with Russell. It was during writing this one that I realized my muse/my voice had awoken and I was entering a new time of sharing my story from my deepest, most authentic, most trusting self. It was written on March 19, 6 days into my journey with Russell in Cuckoo Lukoo Land.
At times like this insomnia is a gift. I have been at the hospital (wrote farm at first – smile) since 3:30. Gives me nice quiet time with Russell and also a chance to write and release the musings that ramble in my head all night.
“Everything I have been doing to become more authentic, more real, more present in the moment, more me over the last few years has strengthened me for this very moment in time. Every breathing practice; every crisis I have walked through; every opportunity to learn let go of control and trust; every time I’ve swallowed my pride and asked for/accepted help; every problem I’ve puzzled over and solved; every time I’ve collapsed or spun out then found just a little more strength to step forward; every time I’ve closed a circle to create safe space – ALL of these have been practice for this moment in time.
Over the past several years, and more intentionally in the last few months I have practiced becoming stronger. I have learned to breathe deeply and exhale long. I have practiced grounding and centering myself so much that it takes little more than closing my eyes and picturing Avalon’s ‘magic” tree to feel the roots of my soul connecting to both earth and the Divine. I have practiced closing a circle of safety around myself so often that it’s become almost second nature to imagine a shield of protection and love around myself and those I love. Daily I have been practicing little ways to let go of an obsessive, deep instinct to be in control and understand everything. In life, especially on a farm, it is wise to learn that much we face will remain a mystery and out of our control. The best laid plans can still fall completely apart and you find yourself like Alice falling down a rabbit hole into an unknown land.
I have been learning how to stay in every single moment finding gratitude for the littlest of things. As I reflect on my life, I now think my decision last December to not start a spring countdown which always left me looking ahead to something better, rather than embracing the gifts and beauties of winter, was a direct step to being ready for where I am right now. It’s given me 3 months of practicing staying here, right now, in this present moment, and I am grateful for the strength those months of practice have given to me.
It is much easier to abide in Hope if I stay right here, right now, being simply happy for the little achievements of Russell’s day. It’s not an avoiding scary possibilities or avoiding learning more, it is simply not letting those scarier things take hostage of my brain and soul.
One of the greatest gifts of this part our journey is that way in which people from every chapter of Russell’s life is reaching out to him, me and his whole family. Not only do they add their thread of hope to our Healing Web, their stories are a joy of remembering for me. Each story makes me smile and cry as I read it to Russell. He has touched so, so many lives.
The last couple of months Russell and I have been working very consciously to strengthen US. For a few years now we have both been walking through places in ourselves of deep soul searching and trying to figure out on a deeper level who we are. These individual journeys have at times left us “hidden” from one another and it’s been challenging to find our way back to the best US.
The work and play we’ve been doing with each other in 2015 has left me feeling hopeful and excited that we are close to getting back to US – the us that is completely connected and able to change our world. During our last counseling session just this past Thursday it was amazing how many things were on both of our lists of what we desired for US. A balm to both of us that YES we are close to being wrapped in joy for one another again.
Just this past week we had our first joint effort in years at paying it forward doing something simply for the joy of smiles on people’s faces. Having the African Children’s Choir that performed at Immaculate Conception come to Avalon for riding and playing was a perfect 1st step towards Russell and I combining our passions, our talents and our ministries. I left that night filled filled with such joy and hope of more opportunities for Russell and I to minister together.
To the depth of my being:
I remain hopeful for healing.
I remain grateful for so many reasons and people.
I remain filled with love.