I am back. Finally, after months of a very quiet Muse I am back. In the time I’ve been away I think I’ve written out the beginning sentences of at least a dozen different musings. But none of them, for a variety of reasons, have made it further than a few quickly written notes. I’ve wanted to write more but just haven’t. And it has left me feeling very off, rudderless and almost paralyzed with a log jam of thoughts and emotions inside of me.
My return today comes out of two main pushes on that log jam, loosening it enough for the water to begin to flow a little more freely again. If I am patient enough with myself I think I can slowly break the jam loose so it doesn’t just come crashing out of me flooding everything it’s path. At least that is my hope.
One of the gentle pushes has been my saying YES to a “Writing your grief”, 30 day journey with Megan Devine of Refuge in Grief. Writing from daily prompts members of the group are invited to share their writing in a closed Facebook group, a community of fellow grievers seeking to heal. In the 4 days I’ve been in the group some very powerful things have started to move again inside of me. The sense of being stuck, paralyzed in place by everything in my life, that I’ve been experiencing for about 6 months seems to be ever so slightly easing. To find a new “tribe” of people who get my journey in such profound ways is such a gift. I’m very grateful for this daily chance to write my story and read the stories of others. As we hold space for one another I feel the healing reignite.
The other, more forceful push is packing up our house for the impending move of Demetri and I to a new home at the entrance to Avalon, the horse farm that I manage. The move to a new place will naturally bring forth new energy as we start to create home in a new space. What is most powerful right now though is the sorting and packing of decades of memories.
In past moves there has been that dual sense of loss and beginning that happens with all moves to a new space from an old one. But this move is providing whammy after whammy after whammy of memory that can knock me to my knees if I’m not careful about keeping myself grounded. Everything in this house holds some kind of memory of a life that Russell and I built with our children in this house and land that we loved so much. We dreamed more in this space about what could be than in other space throughout our entire life together.
As I sort through books, papers, pictures, old letters to one another, knick knacks, cookware, etc. everything gets the test of “does it bring me joy” before I decide if it will go with us to the new house, be stored, or given away. The house we are moving to is much smaller than what we currently live in so Demetri and I are clearing out lots of things that no longer bring us joy. It is not always an easy task, especially when I delve into things that Russell and I bought or did together.
The pictures and the letters between Russell and I that I am finding are the things that rock me to my core. While much of it does make me smile and will at least be safely stored, when I find these things my breath is momentarily taken away. Memory on top of memory pours into me which is joyful, but then I am also reminded that all I will every have of Russell from here on forward are memories. There will be no more dream making, no more memories created, no more new beginnings with him. And I find myself shaking my head at how surreal it all seems. I look at pictures from our life together and I simply cannot wrap my brain around the fact that he is no longer here.
I am ready to move out of this house, this first farm that I have loved so very much. It has become a cave that all I want to do in it is hide away from the world. I very much need a big step forward in shifting my energy and I hope that living in a new place just a short walk to Avalon will help me continue to unblock the log jam in my heart.
I don’t seek to move on as that implies I have something that I must lock away into a box never to be part of my journey again. All I seek to do right now is to move forward with renewed hope, renewed purpose and renewed energy. I seek to stop feeling paralyzed by life to such a degree that I get nothing done. I seek to move freely and confidently towards new dreams that are mine. I seek to move forward towards a life filled with joy, love and laughter.