Every single day is a struggle for me, even on my really good days. I struggle with doubt, insecurity, fear, anger at the goofiest things, and a lethargic unwillingness to leave my house, my cave, my safe place. Every single day is a battle between rebuilding myself/my life and an ongoing burning down of my old self/old life.
Learning how to refit into places that used to totally be mine but no longer feel like they are is so hard some days. The rebuilding of me is proving to be just as hard as the deconstruction of myself and my life as I knew it for almost 20 years that happened within the first year after losing Russell. Every single day I am torn between 3 aspects of myself: Who I was then – wife, purposeful, owner and owned by Avalon, a joint parent, confident in who I was; Who I am now – widow, single parent, broken, lost, very unsure of how I fit at Avalon and in the rest of my world; Who I want to be – healer, warrior woman seeking joy, filled with purpose and passion, capable of handling all that comes my way with ease. All of these are part of who I am and yet I find these aspects of myself can grate against each other in the most uncomfortable ways.
I want so badly to have a series of day after day after day after day that I’m not having to cheerlead myself into being a warrior, into feeling strong and healed. I want to just feel light, free and grateful without having the coin flip in my mind leaving me feeling dark, trapped and resentful. I want to feel like I can confidently say “THIS is my path” without second guessing every damn step “But is it really?” I want to not feel my throat close up at least a dozen times every single day with ongoing ripples of grief and insecurity about who I am now
I don’t want to feel so fricking lost all of the time. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking a tightrope, in heels, over a ravine with high winds, carrying 500 lbs of extra weight.
I just want to feel happy and grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life rather than always seeing the negative now. Where has this resentful, pissy, just want to hide from the world person come from. I’m tired of feeling so alone even in the midst of a crowd of people who care about me.
Every single day I want to feel free to move confidently again. I want to stop the push and pull between who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I want to allow those aspects of myself to blend together in a more harmonious way. I want to be patient with myself as I relearn who just Lara is after spending 21 years with Russell; surely it takes awhile to relearn how to be just me. I must be patient and gentle with myself.
Every single day this past week I have sat in Avalon’s Sanctuary room thinking “This, this healing room I brought into being. I fit here in this space.” In this space, one of the very few, I feel safe, hopeful and capable Considering a year ago at this time I had to completely tap out for the anniversary week in which Russell had gone into the hospital ending with his death, I stand hopeful that I am better, probably more than I know than I was a year ago. `Being able to sit in this Sanctuary space to breathe, write, remember is a gift I am thankful for every single day.
So I return to where I began 2 years ago – just breathe. Every single day, just breathe. The rest will come in the exact moment and in the exact time that I am really ready for it. Just breathe!