Gifts

Ahhh, this popped up on my Facebook memory feed this morning. AS I read it I could remember how challenging last year was to feel joy and not just feel bone deep weary with grief. I felt wrapped in a wet, heavy blanket for most of the Christmas season. Everything felt off and challenging to do.

I am very, very grateful that I am no longer stuck under that heavy, wet blanket this year. Oh don’t get me wrong, I am aware everyday of Russell’s absence. But I don’t feel trapped by grief infused throughout my body. And I am enjoying the preparations for Christmas with much more ease and happiness this year. I find myself saying yes to a little bit more and am confident that the gifts I have found for the people in my life.

I share this today for those I know who are in their first year of grieving as a way to say “You are not alone. And you will, baby step by baby step, make it through.”

Even more deeply I am seeking to live in this time, this moment embracing the simple joys of this magical time.

This time, this moment

gift

I love getting gifts for people, especially at Christmas.  I love trying to find just the right gift, something I know each person will love.  I love the shopping for them, wrapping them, and putting them under the tree.  I love watching them open it.  It’s all just a wonderful part of the holiday season for me.

This year things are off.  Oh I’ve had fun shopping for gifts and wrapping them.  I think I’ve found some gifts that are ones people will like.  A few are even ones that I know will be huge hits.  But it is all just off.

As I check in with myself each day I notice the following thoughts running through my mind several times a day:

*What if I got all the wrong gifts?

*I can’t possibly have gotten enough yet.

*Maybe I should start over.

*What was it they really wanted?

*What…

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