Today was one of those days on top of several of those days on top of several of those weeks. You know what “those” are right? The days that you just seem to be a swirling ball of emotional chaos. The days that no matter how much you use your special, self care tools you just can’t seem to get yourself balanced. The days that feel like one land mine of challenges pops up and explodes every other step you make. The days that you really want to hide under your covers and have someone bring you hot chocolate and soup throughout the day. The days that you should probably wear a large, flashing sign around you neck that loudly warns people to steer clear or risk being drawn into the cesspool of emotions. Yeah, one of those days.
I’ve been struggling with insomnia again for the past couple of weeks. I’m awake from around 2:00am to 5:00 or 5:30 am every night. It makes waking up at 6:30 for the day a real struggle. This morning was even more challenging. My dreams right before waking, of which I remember none, left me crying, full on bawling as I awoke. Not a great motivator to want to get up to face the day when I am already sleep deprived and can’t stop crying.
I somehow forced myself to get up, get dressed, have some tea and toast, and get myself out of the house to go to work. A little voice inside kept whispering – don’t give in and quit today; at least get yourself to Avalon even if it means working with tears streaming down your face all day. So I listened to that quiet little voice and made it to Avalon.
The day was a roller coaster of a day with lots of conversations (many of which I cried through just because), silliness with the young people, snuggling with my pups, trying to figure out winter layering (coats on and off and on and off), horses being spazzes, vet visits, and on and on. The hour I spent quietly enjoying Avalon’s new Sanctuary room with the sunlight streaming in helped start some rebalancing. Hugs from several folks has helped too. Laughing about the goofiness of life and dreaming of running away to warm places helped too.
I feel tons better tonight than I did this morning and am also ready to just curl up under my lovely covers and go to sleep soon. Yes I know it’s still early in the evening, but hey sleep is a good, good thing for me.
More than anything I am just glad I pushed through today. I didn’t say anything to anyone that was awful. I didn’t quit anything. I was able to work and puzzle solve and tell stories and plan new things and laugh and cry and just be me today. I’m feeling pretty good about that right now. It’s nice to end my day feeling like it’s been far better than I imagined it would be when I started.