Speak it!

grief

I feel angry.  Straight up just pissed at the world.  I think I’ve been avoiding naming that even to myself because I don’t want to be angry. I want to feel grateful for the many wonderful opportunities and people in my life.  While I do feel grateful, it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning that a strong thread of anger is moving through me and getting a little bit clearer every day.   I feel like a bug zapper that is on all of the time ready to zap whatever or whoever comes close.

For the vast majority of my journey the past year and a half I can honestly say that anger has not been a very strong thread of emotion for me.  Sadness, confusion, a constant achiness, frustration at times – all of these have been present. But real anger hasn’t been.  I’ve left myself open to feeling a wide array of emotions and try to be mindful of the ebb and flow of it all.  Anger has not been a large part of my journey, until recent months.  Whacko how these things can pop up out of nowhere, or at least seemingly out of nowhere.

Just writing these words out loud – I feel angry – make me want to reel it all back in.   My mind immediately is trying to counter act all angry thoughts with ones of love, gratitude, peace.   “Reel it in Lara. Take it back.  Speak happy words. Blah, blah, blah.”  My body shakes, my heart races, my mind wants to explode as I struggle the truth of those words”I feel angry.”  I want to shut myself up and lock it all away, hiding under my covers until who knows when.

And then the more real self, that one that is sometimes very deep down, the one who my Muse speaks for says “Ah, yes, here is the next step of your healing.  This too is okay to speak out loud.   Speak your truth, heal your heart, find your way and light your path.”  Ack, I am about to start sobbing as I write this sitting in the waiting room of Demetri’s orthodontist.  I feel like I am starting to pull back some partially healed over wounds that are festering and growing under the surface.  I simply hope I can continue to write in this moment without slamming my laptop shut and running screaming from the room. Wouldn’t that be fun for folks to watch?

I’m going to try and write without editing as I go.  Just going to speak it all as it comes into my mind.  Before I allow my defense mechanisms to divert myself from today’s calling to live out loud here we go…

*I feel anger, or least a consistent resentment, about almost everything in my life.  Nothing feels right and I am pissed that even those things that used to be filled with great joy and passion for me feel stupid and pointless.

*I feel annoyed by so many interactions with the people in my life.  I start things off just fine, feeling good about life, and then these bursts of prissiness rise up in me and I feel myself lashing out.   Over the absolute stupidest of things, things of little consequence can trigger the most extreme feelings inside of me.  And then as the prissiness rises up in me again others, I feel frustrated and angry with myself for feeling or acting pissy.  It’s a vicious cycle.

*Being with my kids or writing are the two things that seem to be (not really trusting my perception at the moment) just good and easy for me.  I can feel angry for my kids if I feel like others are overstepping boundaries with them but I don’t feel angry at them.  And writing is one of the best things I do.  I do experience resentment towards anything and anyone that pulls me away from my kids and my writing.  I even feel resentment against myself when I draw myself away.

*I feel angry that I just can’t seem to get my shit together.  I make strides forward, or think I do, and then I slip and slide backwards.

*I feel angry that what used to be one of my deepest passions in running Avalon now feels just like a job.  I barely care that I get to daily be with horses and fantastic people.   I know that it is a great gift that many would love to have but I just don’t care most days.  And that loss of joy pisses me off.  Avalon has brought me so much joy and peace over the years that to have it just feel like one more thing I “have” to do is crappy.

*I feel angry that I get glimpses of what might possibly help me let go of this prissiness and lead me on a path of joy but then rallying the energy or motivation to follow those glimpses is just too much.

*I feel angry that I have so much clutter in my life – in my house, at the farm, in my head and heart.  I don’t want it there but the thought of clearing it all is beyond daunting.

*I feel angry that Russell isn’t here. I don’t think I’m angry at him, at least at a first deeper glance it doesn’t feel like it’s anger towards him. I am 100% sure he wouldn’t have chosen this path.  More I feel angry at the reality that we won’t have the chance to continue our journey together.   We were starting to heal the hurts between us and start a  new path of loving commitment to each other.  And now it’s gone.

*I feel angry that I feel so angry right now.  That makes me laugh out loud at the sheer silliness of the statement.

*I feel angry at the lack of rhyme or reason to grieving.  Just when I think I’ve moved through most of the “stages” I’m reminded that the stages aren’t linear and things will continue to pop up for years to come.  That annoys the shit out of me some days.  I want to just “be done with it already.” Bwahaha!

*I feel frustrated and sometimes very mad at myself for feeling so stuck and rudderless. Seriously I ask myself on a daily basis “What will it take for you to just do it and pursue something of meaning?  When will you just leap?”  Maybe I’m waiting for something, anything to start jumping up and down yelling “Here, leap to here!  Try this.”  I feel pissed that nothing grabs me with such joy anymore.

There!  I’ve said all that has come into my mind as I write today.  My deepest hope today is that living this piece out loud will help heal another layer of me, that writing this will cause the wounds to stop festering as I honor the darker truths.    Anger is part of the grieving/process. It’s also just a part of life.  Learning to allow myself to speak things out loud is a lifelong goal.  Accepting anger as one of the emotions I feel and listening to what wisdom is behind that emotion is essential for me to do.  To live a life of joy and love, I must release the festering parts of myself so that I can live my life whole and healed.

 

 

 

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