I am committed to writing a blog post everyday. Writing fuels me and heals me and leaves me feeling like I’ve shared something of value with the world even if it’s just a small piece of one woman’s story. The last few days I have written of things that popped up in my morning reflection time. Today nothing is coming to the surface which allows me to share something I wrote last week (after the death of our oldest farm cat, Sammy) waiting for an opportunity to share it here. Starting my day writing here leaves me feeling like I’ve at least got 1 thing done each day. It’s a great way to start my day.
What fuels you and heals you? How can you make that part of the start of your day? How can you say YES to you first and foremost!
Loss is different now. Each little loss of an animal at the farm used to devastate me, knock me out and to the ground for days, sometimes weeks depending upon the situation. I used to wonder, after each death, if I could really run a large farm with a lot of older animals. The chances for more frequent loss is higher than many other farms might experience. Each death impacted me so much. I would experience great sadness and guilt that I hadn’t done more, fear I had somehow missed something leading to the death.
That all changed, at least to some extent, with Russell’s death. The depths of my sadness, fear, confusion, guilt and imbalance I’ve had to work through and clear out since his death has given me a far different perspective on death of others. Other losses since then can leave me feeling sad but I’ve learned to bend like a strong willow tree much more easily now.
Once a month I get a week long reminder of how strong I really am and how far I have come. The 13th is the anniversary date of Russell going into the hospital, the slide into Cuckoo Luckoo Land. The 20th is the anniversary date of his death. And everything in between is layers and layers of memories.
Every month the 13th – 20th is an opportunity to remember to use all of the tools in my self-care bag. This bag is full of lots of tools that help me stay grounded, open to allowing things to flow as they will, shield myself from outside influences, be deeply grateful for all that I have and breathe, Just Breathe. In this bag are breathing techniques, clearing tools, meditations, songs that heal, movements that keep the flow going, choices that soothe the weariness away, and so much more. Dozens and dozens of valuable tools that I can often forget to pull out and actually use. But this one week is a consistent reminder that I have tools that I know I can use, because I already have.
This week is a reminder to not allow outside things and people to control me. Listening to my truest self, the wisdom of me that tells me what is best for me, this is what I remember to do. We can never understand another’s journey, another person’s deepest needs, even if they are walking a similar path as our own. I am reminded that I can listen to MY wisdom voice because I already have.
This week is a reminder that I can breathe, JUST BREATHE, through anything. When all else starts to spin, no answers seem clear and the way ahead is foggy I can just breathe. I remember because I already have.
I am reminded that I am the Willow Tree – strongly rooted, stretching my arms up to the sky, providing a shelter of branches, able to bend without breaking and so very strong. The things that I am able to withstand in life go far beyond what I every imagined for my life. I am far, far stronger than I every knew I could be. I know because I have already experience all of these things.
I am reminded that LOVE surrounds me and flows through me. I can choose to respond with love and light, feeling grateful for every little gift. I can choose to seek love and welcome it when it is given to me. I can choose to recognize that I am never alone. I can choose to believe that love is the most powerful thing I will ever experience. I know this because I already have.
I am reminded that letting go and trusting that all will be well is the only way for me to find healing and become whole. If I try to have all of the answers, understand all of the whys and make sense out of everything I become more lost. When I let go, allowing myself to live in the mystery I somehow find my path. I know because I already have.
Each death now opens another door for me, peels back another layer of my cocoon. Death is a part of life and I can dance between the light and the dark, in that glorious space where love resides, in the misty Shadowlands of Great Mystery. I know all of this because I already have. I already have.