Anger waves just washed over me this afternoon. First anger at myself, then anger at the AC repair guy, then at myself, then at him – over and over again until I could no longer decipher which wave was which. Just as I was catching my breath in between waves the biggest, darkest wave yet came barreling towards me – anger at Russell for not being here to change the damn furnace filter. Anger at Russell for not being here for anything. Anger at Russell for dying.
I haven’t felt angry at Russell very often over the past 14 months. I know to the depths of my being he would not have left us if he could have changed anything that week. Being sad is a common thread of life now. Feeling confused is still a common thread. But being angry has not been one of the common threads for which I am very grateful.
Overall I have been feeling quite strong, hopeful, and clearer most of the time. I have periods of feeling hollow and sad which can be quite intense. During these times I’ve learned to dive down into the deep to listen to what messages the dark has to speak to me. Once I have stayed listening in the deep for awhile I’ve been able to pull myself up out of the dark places and embrace the light again.
With my increased strength and feelings of light and hope, I can be caught off guard by grief bursts. I realized today that while I may feel stronger my outside skin/shield is still quite thin and easily penetrated. So that punch in the stomach I felt in connection to the furnace filter easily triggered sadness and anger rising up inside of me.
My deeper reflections upon that grief burst of anger and sadness really started as I left my house a little while ago. Before I left the house all that was going on was feeling first the anger at myself, the AC guy and Russell and then feeling the first compulsion to write about what happened. Then as I drove away from the house I started to play some of my power, healing songs. As the song “Grateful” by Nimo Patel played I felt myself breathe deeper, including exhales that I could down to my toes. I began to dance in the car the 4 simple movements – hands raised to the sky, down to the ground, together at the heart, wide open – Carrie taught us at NIA to go with the song. Now I could only do it one handed so I could drive but as the words poured forth I could feel my heart open and the anger just slip away, leaving gratitude and love in its’ wake. This song and the movements that go with it have a more powerful effect on me than any other song I’ve heard in years, including Rachel Platten’s songs which is saying a lot! As my heart expanded, tears of love for Russell and all in my life just poured forth.
I sang and danced all the way to Target where I went to get furnace filters (smile) and a few other things. As I walked around the store I thought of what had happened and what that meant for me. Then, as I stood waiting in line, the inspiration to write rushed through me like someone had just lit me on fire. I quickly looked for any scrap of paper I could find and started writing. I wrote the bits and pieces of this musing. I wrote of the evidence of self-care and reaching out, rather than just lashing out, I had quickly taken when the anger first flared inside of me. The self-care of writing, talking with Kateri, putting stress away lotion and oil on, focusing on my breathe, singing along with a favorite song, dancing, crying, writing again, and staying open to receiving the mysterious more behind the trigger event.
I felt the power of my inner kraken awaken as I dove deep into the messages behind my anger. I felt the power of my inner dragon awaken as I rose my voice to speak out loud. And for the first time since this whole journey began I pictured in my mind and felt in my heart the twining together of Kraken and Dragon sharing their knowing and their power. They represent very different aspects of my healing and life journey, and yet in this they are twined together as one being. Both have the power to lash out in anger or reach out in hope and love. The choice is mine. Together they share their wisdom of the dark places and the light. They fly under water and through the air. They hold it all as one. My heart fills with gratitude and love for the knowing that has washed over me on this day.
Wow, just wow. What a ride I am on!