Woke up rested but unsettled, aching and sorrowful. With much of my being I don’t want to leave here. In this sacred place I feel like I can walk in my truth crying, laughing, talking, being silent, all of it as I need to in every moment and every time. I feel like I could stay here for months and find my way to healing and clarity so much better.
I cried in the shower speaking my fear, confusion and resistance. Breathed through my tears I then flipped/transformed my grieving into my growing belief that I can provide the self care I need most right now.
Yesterday was a full day. I loved hearing others’ business hopes and dreams, all shared with energy, passion and joy. I felt ready when it was my turn to speak. I had notes. I thought I had a clear understanding of what I wanted to work on during this year of learning. But, as I started to speak, it all seemed to drain out of my head. Words fumbled; I felt wobbly; chest tightened with a heavy heart. All I could think of was the pressure of being the only provider, the pressure of running a farm that doesn’t feed my soul in the running of it right now, the feeling that as clear as some dreamings may be I am not strong enough or ready enough to step onto new business paths no matter how much I want it to be so. I’m not ready to get particular about my business plans. There’s too much rambling in my heart and my head.
And then it lit up inside of me – My self care must come first! That’s been the message from the horses and other creatures at Epona Ridge this whole retreat. “Don’t worry about what you need to ‘learn’. What is it you need to do to care for yourself. Really, completely, deeply care for yourself. We will love you (and others will too) as you learn to just BE. When you are ready you WILL dance between the dark and the light. And then, only then, will others be able to join in your dance. For now, simply stand in the center, sway to the rhythm of our breath. The beginning of every dance is feeling the music all the way into your bones.”
Ah YES, this wisdom is what I most need to carry forward with me in this time and in this moment. Not what products I might create, or what book I could write, or what program I can bring to others. Stand barefoot in the love pulsing all around me and take care of myself (and my children). Only then can I someday connect and eventually engage with others. Stand in the LOVE!
As much as I long to share my wisdom with others and offer opportunities for heart connection with the horses, the land and all of nature, I MUST take care of myself and my kids, for as long as we need it. No matter how much I want to get back to a sense of being able to function and work in the world, our self care radically comes first. How that will play out I’m not quite seeing just yet. I envision some of the following as areas of intention to play with in my/our care:
*Cleaning and decluttering our house, perhaps with outside help
*Cleansing and setting intentions in our house
*Dreaming, discussing and seeking what we each most need right now
*Cleansing and setting intentions at Avalon
*Singing bowl learning
*Care for Walter and supporting Kateri
*Grief family support group
*Fun classes in essential oils, healing crystals, homeopathy, reiki, aikido, cranio sacral
*Writing a lot more
*Ask lots of questions
These things are what make my heart say YES. These are the most authentic areas of focus to my journey right now. This is where I set my intentions.
In this time and in this moment I embrace the abundant, loving gift of time and freedom to heal. I embrace my chance to start anew and awaken to a new understanding of who I am and who I can be. This year and this journey will be one of the most profound years of my entire life.