This song by Rachel Platten has become the one that I play over and over again every day. As I feel myself moving into to being able to take bigger steps, I feel myself fighting my way back to walking and living strongly. No longer am I taking just baby steps on my path of healing. I’m at least taking toddler steps now, no longer needing to hold onto something solid to make my way through. I’m not ready to run full force ahead and have many moments that I still fall down into a crumbled heap. Some days all I can do is crawl but others I feel like I am dancing through the day. On all the days, I am fiercely reclaiming my strength and my hope that I am healing.
This past week was a powerful one of reclaiming for me. The return of the sun after weeks of grey and rainy weather acted like that one match that created an explosion of activity from me. I pushed myself for 6 days to prep for Avalon Horse Farm’s amazing, first Cross Country Schooling Day yesterday. I worked for 5 to 8 hours each day in the heat fixing fence, making new jumps, putting in new gates, prettifying the farm and so much more. I had lots of helpers but some of the projects I took on to do myself because I needed to know that I CAN DO IT again. I’ve felt so weak and out of it for months that I needed to feel strong and mighty and completely competent again, even if just for a little while. So I spent the week doing things that 5 months ago I could have done without blinking. My body was sore beyond belief each day. But every thing I did made me feel like my power was being turned back on. The best was when I lifted a jump that weighs at least 100-150 lbs onto the lawn tractor cart all by myself. I kept thinking I could get help but at my core I could hear myself screaming “No, you need to do this. This is part of your fight song back. This is your way to become strong and powerful again. This is the way to take back your life.” I did get help taking the jump back off the cart, because hey, I don’t need to do it ALL alone. 🙂
I still miss Russell deeply every moment of every day. There are so many wonderful things I want to share with him that our kids are doing and that are happening at Avalon. I do talk with him often in my mind and out loud at times. I picture him smiling at me and that makes me smile. I am finding that it truly is getting a little bit easier. Somethings are harder but oh so many are easier. I can at least function without feeling like I’m trapped in fog all the time. And that is a very, very good thing.
I am fighting and dancing and loving and crying and loving my way back to myself. The words and hugs and love you all share with me and my family are the lighted stepping stones that I follow to keep my heart open. Keep them coming. You’re helping me find my way back.