Synchronicity is one of my greatest allies right now. Over and over again, I am surprised by the ways in which things happen in my life at just the right time and moment. My final dive down into the depths of my darkness yesterday, after a good 10 days or so of swimming deeper and deeper into murky waters, came at just the right moment. For just a few hours after my dive, I was able to spend time with my life coach/counselor/guide who helped me swim through the deep and start making my way back up and out. Through some new, very cool guided meditations she helped me start re-framing some of my fears and my brokenness. And she 100% affirmed that I am exactly where I need to be in this time and in this moment.
Here is some of what I trusted myself (and her) to do and what I was able to walk away with. I share this because it was powerful for me to start reframing things and I desperately hope that my pain can give hope to others and a possible path out of their own. Plus, writing is such a necessity for me and I need to do it more!
I dove deep down into all the fear, all the pain, all the brokenness. I allowed myself to feel it all in every part of my being, seeing all the millions of pieces scattered around me. At one point within this part of the exercise, as I was being encouraged to feel it all, I wailed “I’m afraid to feel it all. If I allow it all in I want to start throwing things and break all the windows in this room.” And Ayanna just smiled and quietly told me to let it all in. Then, as I was shaking and crying and feeling as if my body truly would explode into millions of pieces, she started guiding me to start allowing all of the broken pieces to start coming back to me. This part of the process was really slow at first. I couldn’t find the pieces and didn’t even know where to look which brought more tears. The ah-ha moment came when Ayanna said to imagine my core, my true self made of light and love as a magnet drawing all of the pieces back in. Then the pieces started coming flying back. I didn’t have to “do anything”, just allow the magnet to do the work. All I had to do was stand in the light and the love and breathe. The rest would happen. Wow, just WOW! Powerful, powerful stuff for me!
The rest of my session we talked through much of my feelings of brokenness, fear and also broke down a little more my steps in this time and in this moment that are healing me.
***I am experiencing much of the breaking apart, the exploding of my life that in some ways I didn’t experience early on. The grieving process is in no way a linear path. It’s as twisted up and with as many turns as any maze. The first few weeks of this journey I stood so strongly in the center of the Web of Love and Healing I had spun that I didn’t feel very broken. But now, as I settle into being a single parent, having a bedroom that is only mine, making decisions on my own, I break a little bit more each day. So I find myself in a new part of the maze-like journey of grieving and it is baffling at best.
***The explosion of my being is the detox and cleansing that must take place in order to be open to move into the new life that is now occurring. The explosion is very real, very necessary, and part of the deeper, ongoing clearing to become a New me. Or actually to become a deeper, more authentic me.
***This is a time to re-frame EVERYTHING and EVERY situation, large and small, menial and monumental. ALL of it is new and can be new. I find this to be one of the greatest gifts of this time. I am now in a position to give everything in my life new respect, new attention, new focus. I am in the rare place of being able to 100% decide what my life will look like from this point forward. I am re-learning what is truly important. I am attempting to live out of my deepest truths and trust my gut instincts over all else. If it feels off kilter than I usually don’t do it. I am encouraging my kids to listen to what they most need and do what feels right to them. I am trying to trust that when I am ready to make decisions about any new endeavors I will know what to do.
***The explosion reflects the other side – the clear and new side – that someday I will be able to walk strongly and with confidence in. It will be different.
***I work so hard to be positive and see the opportunities in every situation that I do not allow myself to simply feel the pain and voice my darker side. I cannot see the light or be light if I don’t also name the darkness. All of it is part of me.
***The menial tasks that I often find so challenging are my greatest victories each day. These are my anchors, the things that ground me back into the here and now. Taking a shower, feeding a horse, putting a halter on, picking up my clothes, and all of the dozens of little things I do each really are a big deal right now. They help me put one foot in front of another like a baby learning to walk who cruises around the furniture. These tasks are not any heavier than before they just feel like it. The minute details of my life are the great gift and proof that I AM DOING IT! This was a huge insight for me and I could feel the pressure leave my body as Ayanna talked me through this. To be able to see dozens of victories throughout my day just based on things that just to be second nature is so freeing. The smallest things can become my greatest lessons in living a life of intention in the here and now. Each task I complete during the day is a way to strengthen my body and spirit.
***I must work in plenty of alone time to breathe and heal and give myself the space I need to process all that comes flooding over me each day.
***I need to be more clear and direct in stating what I need. And I need to learn to remove myself quicker and tap out when I feel things boiling up inside of me.
***Grieving is a door way to many gifts. It creates new places for new solutions. The problems have changed so I need new solutions. My life has changed so I need new ways of doing things. It also gives me the space to be real and authentic .It is a bizarrely fascinating time of wonder and awe as I look at the world through new lenses.
***I must write every day. Or at the very least I must write when the urge comes over me. I feel so much more connected to my core when I am writing. Other things will just have to wait if the writing muse is what calls out to me.
Thank you all for you support and holding up the web. I am feeling you reach out and love me in the darkness. Healing and trusting that all will be well. Feeling grateful, grateful, grateful!