Ahhh, interesting insight this morning as I woke up feeling refreshed and hopeful about my day then suddenly had the air knocked out of me and tears started to flow when a quick grief burst hit. For months, a few years really, I’ve been struggling to articulate why the second and third and now the beginning of the fourth year after Russell died have felt harder in so many ways than the first. Don’t get me wrong that first year was wicked hard, but the years since that have been even harder. I have much to write about all of it but this morning’s flash of insight is all I will share until I have more time to write.
The continuing journey of healing has been harder for me since that first year anniversary because the grief has gone underground. That hit me like a flash of lightning this morning. Oh I’ve known it but the sudden clarity that my grief is like an underground warren of tunnels makes so much sense. In my first year of grieving everything was on the surface. Everything was out there for the world and me to see. Nothing was hidden because the shock wouldn’t allow it to be.
But as life has gone on as it must that grief has moved under the surface and it is only when something triggers it that the grief is made visible again. Otherwise, most of the time, it is just a quiet, twisty mess of emotions that can leave me constantly feeling like I am on edge and the world is never just right even in the best of moments.
I am in awe of how my journey continues to unfold and the wisdom of my deepest self speaks to me. I have every confidence that this new insight is going to open up some new areas of healing and transformation for me. I know I’ve got to figure out how to bring somethings closer to the surface again so that they don’t eat at me, leaving me feeling twisted up in the tunnels and stuck all of the time. And I know I have more strengthening to do so that the grief bursts don’t leave me incapacitated. I want to be LIVING in joy, hope and strength so much more than I am.