Breaking down, awakening, or both


Every time a wave of grief crashes over me I feel as if there is a part of me that is breaking down inside.  I tremble, I cry, I shake my fists at the sky, I rant, I rave and dive deep down into the dark.  During those times I feel all the pain, confusion, guilt, anger, and more that the darkness can speak to me.  It’s tumultuous there in the dark waters of my deepest self.

I become the Kraken during these times – sliding through the dark, wary of the world, on the edge of lashing out, and hiding away in dark, deep caves.   Being the Kraken can be scary for me as I fear I will lash out those I most love.   And I know it can be scary for others for the same fear that I might grab someone and suck them into the deep right along with me.  I am learning how to be the Kraken and not lash out, simply gliding stealthily through the dark waters of myself.   When I willingly dive into the deep and embrace the wisdom Kraken has to reveal to me all is good. It is when I battle the dark with lots of resistance that things can turn.

Then after swimming in the dark for awhile,  I feel compelled to write it all out and share my story with anyone who wants to hear it.    This compulsion comes over me almost as quickly and as fiercely as the initial wave of darkness hits.  And when I listen to this compulsion, this calling to share my story, I almost immediately start to shoot back up out of the dark transforming from my Kraken into my Butterfly Dragon as I go.  The dark just slides past me as I shoot up into the light.   As soon as I hit the light of the sky, singing my song of darkness and light to the world, I am strong and more steady again.

What I’ve realized in my most recent dive into the dark and then making my back up to the light at the surface is that my breakdowns really provide me with an opportunity to awaken some thing new inside – some new insight, understanding, or stepping stone forward.  Yes it is as if something breaks inside of me at this time, but perhaps it is more like the cracking of an egg that needs to happen for the living thing inside to emerge.    it is not that I am breaking down into nothing, it is that I am awakening even more into something glorious and new.

The love and support of everyone as I journey this fascinating path I am on holds me up as I dive into the deep, fly into the air, and speak it all out loud.  As soon as I have reached that point of being able to speak please know that I am already in a far better place than when I first dove into the dark.  As soon as I writing and speaking out loud  I am ready to handle life. This is how I know that I am healing and I am stronger; I am able to still function through life’s tasks whether I am in the dark or in the light.  That is a glorious thing.

Thank you for loving me through my breakdowns and through my awakenings. Thank you for holding me whether I be Kraken or Butterfly Dragon.   Together we are able to heal one another if we are simply willing to open our hearts in love and hope.