Well shit

rough-ocean-waves

Well shit!  One of those waves just came out of nowhere flooding over me.  The world around me fades away as tears flow out me as rapidly as waves of sorrow just crashed over me.

I am sitting in the early morning hours at the resort before any of the rest of my family is awake. I sit in the restaurant area sipping my coffee, reading,  listening to music, and journaling about the ebbs and flows of life.  I am listening to my power songs, the ones that have special meaning to me.  I’ve been smiling looking at pictures of our trip.

I’ve been musing about the ways in which our experiences of life can switch as quickly as the movement of taking one step.  All can be going fantastic, with joy and playfulness the key notes in our song.  Then with one step, one quick text, one word it can all change so drastically we feel like we must surely have entered another world completely.  Fear, sorrow, remorse wash over us dragging us down into the deep places within ourselves that we don’t want anyone else to see because we are afraid they will leave us alone there, unwanted and unloved and alone.

As I watch families slowly enter this vast cafeteria I remember our family’s last visit here 5 years ago.  Memory after memory of the ways in which Russell played with his kids and me, letting the stressful cares of daily life slowly fade away, are rushing through me. And I find myself in one of those places of such deep missing that physically takes my breath away. In this place I cry not caring who sees me and the outside world fades away. This place is the place of why? of what the hell has happened? of how can this possibly be real? where am I and how did I get here?

This is the place of my heart crying out to Russell “I miss you.  I’m sorry I didn’t show you the most real, deepest love I could for you every single day. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish you were here to play, to love, to be joyful with again.”  This is the place that fuels my deep desire to always choose love – moment after moment, day after after day.  This is the place that leaves me wanting to text, call, email, shout out loud to everyone I love “I LOVE YOU!  No matter what, I LOVE YOU!”  This is the place that leaves me wanting to mend the tiniest of conflicts between myself and others so that I never again worry that I’ve left things unsaid that can never be said because it is now too late.

Breathe and ride the wave Lara.  Just breathe and ride the wave!

One thought on “Well shit

  • What a provocative title–and what profound vulnerability. Such a moment of clarity for you! And such a rush welling up, from that deep, sacred place inside, to blast your whole circle of loved ones with a passionate, resolute, no-holds-barred “I LOVE YOU.” Your writing, your journey, is a wave of wonder that I am riding with compassion, with encouragement, and ultimately with gratitude.

    Like

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