Almost time?

I’ve started several blog posts and none of them quite seem to be ready to share.  This one is feeling ready though as the words seem to fly from my fingers.

We are our own worst enemy.  At least I know I am.  I get myself twisted up, insecure, anxious and more all on my very own.  In fact, no one can do these things to me better than me.  For I know the secret places of insecurity and fear inside myself that no one else can find.  I know the red hot buttons that can trigger a spin out almost before the button is fully pushed. I focus my energy on other people’s words and wisdom to such a degree that I start to doubt my own.    Doubt about everything twines through me. I sabotage myself without even knowing what’s happening over and over again.

As I slide into the 2nd year of this new life I am living there is so much that is jumbling around inside of me.  I think that’s part of the reason I have so many musings started but not quite ready to be finished.  The words start to flow out of me but then they stop mid writing.  It’s kind of the feeling I have about so very many things right now.  Things get started and then stop before completion.  I know my own healing is one of those things and it is the place  I find I sabotage myself most consistently.

Although even as I write this I don’t know if sabotage is the right word or even the right way to look at what I am experiencing with my journey right now. Sabotage feels like something much more intentional and conscious than what I think is happening within me.  I do think that I allow myself to travel down mental rabbit holes that leave me feeling ickier at the end of the day.    I don’t believe I intentionally drop down into these though. It’s more that I step into some negative spin out and can’t quite find the energy or desire to pull myself out of that first step before sliding down into a twisted journey in my mind. I try to shove myself deeper into my cocoon rather than coming all the way and stretching my wings to fly.

I know lots and lots of things that would probably help me feel a whole lot better about myself and would help me feel like I was healing rather than just sitting in a cesspool of sadness.  Riding my horses, hiking, dancing at NIA, turning the t.v. off (I admit this is a biggie for me), cleaning my room, practicing my new learnings in equine experiential facilitation, talking with family and friends, getting active, playing a game with my kids, cooking, and so much more are stepping stones to healing.  I know that getting more active is almost always a good thing.  And yet time after time right now I find the focus and energy needed to get more active just a little beyond my reach.  So I choose the less active things; I leave things cluttered; I just don’t care enough to change things; I try to push myself back into the cozy cocoon; and I stay feeling stuck.  In these ways I do sabotage (or limit) myself and my healing.

I am hopeful, so very hopeful, that as spring continues to settle into the land that it settles into me as well.  As the flowers slowly open up I look at them and hope that my heart will open itself up a little bit more each day.  As the birds start to sing earlier each morning I hope that their song can be a call luring me outside into movement.  As the days warm I hope that I can shed the cloak of grieving wrapped around me as I am shedding the layers of winter clothing.  I am hopeful that I will steadily and with increasing consistency choose activity and new opportunities more than choosing to settle into the lethargy of hiding under my covers in my cozy house.  The sun beaming through my windows feels like a lure to lead me out into nature where I always experience healing.

More and more each day I am wanting to stop sabotaging myself and instead start setting myself up for healing success.  I want to choose joy and feel myself breathe deeper.  I want to be gentle with myself and yet also push myself to really figure out who I am and who I want to become.  As clearly as spring transforms the land I want to transform myself.  Maybe soon, hopefully soon, my wanting will catch up with my actions and then I will begin to fly again.