Keeping up the momentum


One of the things during this healing time that I have found to be the most shifting, confusing, unclear, and even seemingly out of my complete control at times is my energy level.   Figuring out the level of energy I have available to tap into each day can often be my biggest puzzle to solve.  It is definitely like riding a roller coaster with twists, turns, loops, high inclines, sharp drops, and a sense that there is no way to know what is coming next.  Over the past 9 1/2 months I have had lots of days that I simply hold on, close my eyes, take a deep breath and pray that I don’t throw up.   Taking into consideration the fact that I really, really don’t like rollercoasters this energy ride can be quite fascinating even terrifying.

The grieving process can truly, at times, leave me feeling as if I will never feel ready to tackle my world again.  I have days, actually many days, that taking a shower and getting dressed seem like impossible tasks.  On these days, there seems to be no energy for anything.  Going to work on these days or trying to accomplish anything beyond making my coffee almost doesn’t happen.

Part of the challenge for me on these lower energy days is that I simply don’t want to do anything to raise my energy level.  I want to sink into my comfy recliner either reading a novel or watching season after season of my favorite sitcom – New Girl is my current favorite.  I want to dive deep into the peacefulness that can come in the darkness where it is quiet, warm under my multitude of blankets, and I can hide away from the world.   So I find that I struggle with myself on these low energy days if I feel that I must go to work or somehow interact with the world.  I don’t want to move my body or my mind and raise my energy.  I want to stay in my cocooned place for just a little while longer, or sometimes a lot longer.

Dark, grey, rainy days almost always leave me feeling  lower energy.  Even turning on lots of lights does little to lead me to want to step into higher energy.  For years, winter has been a challenge for me.  It’s not the cold that gets to me, it is the darkness.  Long time friends of mine know it is very common for me to go into semi-hibernation mode the end of November and barely come out until the end of March.  This year with the addition of grieving the death of Russell I find myself desiring an even deeper, longer hibernation.

On my higher energy days everything seems to flow with ease and I find myself floating on a high of accomplishment, movement, desire, clarity of mind, and hope that I will again, someday, be able to move through my life with ease.  On these days, I seek interaction with the world.  I usually end up cleaning something.  I listen to a lot of music.  I laugh. I talk.  I dream.   I write in my journal.  I read books that inspire and stretch my mind.  I cook.  I believe that anything is possible.

Sunny days definitely make it much easier to raise my energy vibration.  The fact that January consistently seems to be bright and sunny leads me to think it of as one of my favorite months of the year.  The crispness of the cold in the sunshine is actually extremely enjoyable for me to work in.  Just the peeking out of the sun in the mornings is enough for me to think “Yes, I can go get out from under my warm covers, bundle up, and head outside.”  There is a kind of singing energy that reverberates throughout me when the sun is shining down upon me.

I have been very grateful that every day of 2016 has been filled with bright, constant sunshine.  Each day of this year I have done a little bit more clearing, cleansing, re-organizing and planning for the upcoming months.  Not only am I doing these things, my desire to do these things is a strong thread every single day.  I have deep, consistent desires to de-clutter every space I walk into.  I want to make space, organize things, and create opportunities to play with people and my horses.

It is the momentum of the track of energy that I find myself upon each day that I find most fascinating.  Heavier, darker, lower energy days have a kind of momentum that feels faster in some ways than high energy days.  It’s like that roller coaster as it flies down from a high point to the bottom of the track.  To stop the course of the ride at those times seems more daunting than I want to tackle.  And actually I am learning to not fight those times so much but rather to ride down to the very bottom, knowing that eventually the ride will start to move back up again.

The higher energy days are filled with excitement, anticipation, and wonder even as they can seem to inch along like the roller coaster going up a steep incline.  There seems to be more time during these days to look around, take a breath, and prepare for myself for the next part of my journey.  These days can often be jam packed though they don’t feel like it at the time.  The higher energy makes them flow with ease.  It’s only in the looking back that I can stand in awe of all I accomplished in just one, high energy day.

As I learn to allow myself to ride the energy days with whatever gifts they can bring, I find myself able to feel grateful for it all.  Everything I want to do always, always ends up getting done eventually.  Trusting that it is just as okay to dive down deep into the quiet solitude of low energy days as it is to soar through days that are filled with higher energy is one of my greatest life lessons in this time, this moment and probably true for all of my life.