A Little Secret

hardtobeself

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret.  I don’t really have my self all together.  In fact, in many ways I am barely all together.  Oh I am learning how to put on some kind of “got it together” face but it’s mainly just a face and a hope and a daily strengthening towards having it all together.  But honestly, much of it is based more on hope and sheer will than actual reality right now.

Daily I get up, make my lists, look over my overall goal/to-do list, get dressed, and try to do something. Many days I am trying to work in someway. Well, I guess I am working in someways, but wow, is it all hard, event the littlest of things.  I do my best to focus on what is good in my life and see the lighter side of things. I do my best to help myself and my kids find the ways we are stronger and more capable each day.  I do my best to try a little bit harder to simply walk through my day in a balanced way.  I do my best to believe that everything is going to be okay.

And everyday I know that much of what I am doing all day long is convince myself these things are true.  All day I try to act in the way I hope to live again. I try to pick up the pieces of my life and attempt to live it with strength and confidence again.  I try to let the events of the day flow over and around me without getting sucked into a quagmire of despair.  I try to focus on positivity and possibility and the abundance ever present in my life.  Some days I think I get it right, other days not so much.

I simply, shhh it’s a secret remember, am trying not to make it all so noticeable now.  I know that it could still be months and months before the littlest of things don’t set me (or the kids) spinning.  I know that it really hasn’t been that long since our worlds turned upside down, especially in light of the fact that I spent almost half my life with Russell.  It’s just not been that long, though it feels like forever.  But I do think, that for many folks, it is naturally fading from being something that is an everyday, every moment journey.  Oh, I am 100% sure that many still grieve Russell’s death.  It’s not that I think others have forgotten.  But it’s not daily memories or happenings that overlay others’ lives as it does mine.  And that overlay is what can come floating up out of nowhere for me, like fog rolling in at morning light.  You can see the light, you know it’s there, but it’s so foggy only glimpses can really be seen.  You latch onto the glimpses as hope that the sun will soon shine brighter than the fog. But the reality is the fog is always there making the way forward a little more confusing.

How this plays out for me, this trying to not have my fogginess be so predominant or noticeable, is I set goals for working, for playing, for meditating, for conversing everyday.  Simple farm work that I can do at my own pace with or without others is the best and easiest to do.  Planning, teaching, scheduling, are much more challenging. I am doing these things but it is easier for me to drop the ball, or feel like I’ve dropped the ball in these areas.  As much as I like the thought of being fully capable of managing Avalon alone again, or taking on new students, or even getting through a full week of lessons, it just can’t quite happen yet.

Reaching out to see folks or even talk with them on the phone is near impossible.  The people I see often are those who are at the farm when I am there.  I am trying to return to a more full work schedule so those who are out there get to see me.  I’m not really calling or texting anyone on my own. Just too much work.  There are many family and friends I’d love to spend time with, but if it’s left up to me being with it enough to set those things up it probably won’t happen for awhile. I know many who want to be there for me and I know that you all are.  It’s just I don’t have words to ask for things. I just can’t right now, unless you happen to be lucky enough to be right next to me when I am working on something and extrovertly start asking for things.

I’m wanting hugs and silly conversations just as much as I always have but have a hard time asking for those things.  I think I am becoming quieter in some ways because to speak out loud opens up flood gates of all the swirling thoughts in my head all the time.  It’s too much swirling for me most days. I don’t really want to spend all my time with folks rambling about the swirls. So instead I sit quietly in a group and just listen.  Actually kind of nice.

I am trying to be patient with myself and take the journey for what it is.  But I worry that others will lose their interest or their patience or their desire to walk with me. I’m not receiving messages like that, just an unfounded, underlying fear of ending up completely alone.  I’m guessing this is also a natural part of the process.

I’m also guessing that the reality for all of us is that we secretly are confused, and scared, and struggling and fearful inside.  We all try to put on a “got it together” face to just make it through our days.  We all look for glimpses of light in the fogginess of our own lives.

Yes, I do have lots of things that happen each day that I feel happy and content about.  And I am dreaming and scheming more.  And I am able to handle more projects and tasks each day.  I just look forward to the day that I can feel confident, really confident about who I am and what I am about again.

Crazy, fascinating journey!

P.S. Just thought of another thing that is most interesting right now. Making decisions about simple things like what movie to watch, or restaurant to go to, or shirt to buy, etc. are nearly impossible.  I’m usually pretty decisive and can easily share my opinion. Now, I find it much, much easier to follow along and let others decide.

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