Today, at least right now, is a rough one. I think the adrenaline from Friday night’s amazing fundraiser for our family has worn off and I am tired. I easily could have stayed curled up under covers for the entire day. Just so much running through my mind that is weighing heavily upon me. As things ebb and flow there are definitely moments that are much darker than others and today is one of those days that has more darker moments.
The picture I have included is one I drew yesterday as it was becoming clearer what my ongoing experience is of your presence in my life in this time, this moment. From the very beginning of this journey I have been weaving a web of light, love and healing – first for Russell and then for all of us grieving the loss of him. As I have woven this web I have sensed myself standing in the center of the web, in the midst of a pulsing light of love and support that helps me be able to breathe deeply and stay grounded even on the shaky parts of the path. It’s been challenging to explain to folks how I can stay positive, strong, stepping forward, speaking, not collapsing every single moment of every single day.
In the darker moments it’s been especially hard to explain it. Finally yesterday during WOW, my Women of Wisdom circle, this image came to me that is very much what I picture in my head and feel in my heart. The dark thread at the center of all the web threads is the thread of my grieving, aching, confused self. That thread runs through everything right now. It is central to the awakening I have had that leads me to write and dream of new things. When I am experiencing darker moments this dark thread seems to constrict around me making everything feel tighter and less able to flow easily. These times I want to just hide, sleep, read, watch silly shows, not talk to anyone.
Around every part of this dark thread are lighter, more colorful threads, including circling around the very center where I stand. These lighter, more colorful, rainbow threads are all of you. Your light, your energy, your support, your prayers, your LOVE surrounds me and keeps the dark thread of grieving from consuming me and dragging me down like a kraken dragging a ship down to the depths of the sea. Your rainbow threads hold me up, pulsing all around and through me, connecting us to one another.
It is this Rainbow Web of Light and Love that is keeping me whole and keeps me grounded to the earth. Your Rainbow Web helps me keep breathing and walking through the dark times. Knowing that at ANY moment all I have to do is say “I need love and light sent to me right now, in this time and in this moment.” and it will immediately come is powerful stuff! This Rainbow Web is the best answer to the question posed often to me “How are you doing this?” While much of what I am doing is because it just has to be done, the power behind being able to keep walking this path without falling every step of the way is Your Rainbow Web holding me up.
Russell continues to be part of this entire web for me. He is part of the dark thread and also part of the rainbow threads as well. I very powerfully and profoundly felt his presence during the Trivia Night to celebrate him on Friday night. In our relationship, I was the one who would sit at parties or gatherings talking with a few folks. Russell would walk the whole room for the entire event. We often joked that I was a sitter and he was a stander. On Friday night I did both; but definitely more standing and walking than sitting. With each conversation I had at all the tables I felt his presence and could even sense him smiling that I was the one standing and working the room. 🙂 And I very clearly could sense him communicating to me, through all of your generous support, that he was taking care of the kids and I so that all would be well. Very, very powerful gift given to me that night by all of you and by him. I am so very thankful that I could and can sense him still. Makes me sad and glad all at the same time; all part of the Rainbow Web.
There will be many moments in the next few weeks (and months and years) that I will continue to rest into the threads of this Rainbow Web. Today we celebrate with all the family the fact that Kateri is turning 18 on Tuesday. I am thankful for the amazing gift she is to me and the world; and so very proud of the woman she has become. I feel sad that Russell is not here for her and for us. And I am going to do all that I can to shoot lots of rainbow threads around her so that her own dark thread doesn’t become too tight around her. I will do the same for Demetri when he turns 13 next week, and for Soren when he turns 17 in August. Such amazing children Russell and I have raised, just amazing!
I continue to stand in the center of my being with threads of all colors swirling around me through a bright light filled with love. You all continue to be the light and love that calls me back to myself. Thank you, thank you, thank you!