Grief can crush us. Grief, the emotional suffering we feel when someone or something we love is lost to us is devastating. All of us, at some point in our lives, are going to experience a loss that rocks us to our very core. Sometimes the complete twisted mess of emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness we experience feels like it will literally crush us under the weight of it all. How we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, release them in some concrete way and allow relief to wash over us can have a huge impact on what this maelstrom of emotions does to us long term.
I believe it was 9 years ago today that my late husband, Russell, took a pretty fierce slide into the darker waters of a quiet, mostly hidden depression he had been in ever since his dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was 9 years ago today that his father, Wayne Peterson, died after a 4-year battle with cancer. Wayne was one of the smartest, gentlest, most loving people I’ve ever known. He also was the person Russell was closest to and his death was devastating for Russell. They were like two peas in a pod and could have in-depth conversations very few of us could keep up with. His death created a giant black hole in Russell’s life that he was quickly sucked into. Ultimately, I believe, it was a large factor in Russell’s death.
As public as I have been about my grief journey and as focused as I have been about finding new ways to release the enormous pressure of emotions that grieving pushed on me, Russell was that private and isolated in how he navigated his grief. I don’t judge him for that as we ALL handle our grief in the ways that work best for us with the tools we have. But, I did watch Russell grow quieter, become a workaholic, and make a whole lot of body-clogging choices with his food and alcohol choices. Attempts to talk with him and invite him to share were often futile. Again, all normal choices many of us make when we are in the depths of mourning. It was the reality that very little counterbalanced the dark for Russell that pushed him further into that dark. There were little bits of lightness at times but the loss of his father and best friend, and the swirl of emotions afterwords crushed him bit by bit by bit until he landed in the hospital for his own spiral towards death.
Perhaps it was witnessing Russell being crushed so completely by his grief and the isolated black hole he spiraled in that was part of why I became so public about my own journey. I know that early on, when I experienced the weight of it all, beginning to crush me writing and sharing my story was one of the biggest ways I could drastically relieve the pressure. It relieved pressure in the moment and each time someone commented on what I’d written or had a conversation with me about it, things eased even more. There were times when all I COULD do was write and share my musing because no words would pass through my lips. I knew I needed to get it out or I would never leave the dark.
I have come to believe it is the sharing of our grief, the refusing to stay quiet all of the time about what we are really feeling, and then finding ways to creatively express our grief (and all of the feelings that come with it) that bridge the gap between the dark hole and the light we dream of finding again. Writing, coloring, painting, vision boards, dancing, building things, moving our bodies, all of these and more are ways to allow the pressure of grieving to ease, even if only for a little while. If we do nothing, the weight just presses harder and harder making it nearly impossible to move. There are times we want to stay in that space and that is OKAY. There is healing there too. But if we are ready to allow more light into our life and ease the pressure, finding something creative to do each day can be the bridge we need to go from dark to light.
Each of us will need to find our own way. Each of us will need to decide when we are ready to try something new. Each of us will need to discover for ourselves what we need for our own healing. Each of us will need to create our own bridges to get out of the black hole crushing us and move into a lighter space where dreaming is possible again.
My invitation to everyone – find the things that help you create your bridge out of the crushing dark. I don’t ever again want to watch someone so crushed by grief & isolation that they leave this world themselves.
My hope is that all of us can find our way out of the black holes we land in and allow the light of healing to occur. And my deepest hope for each of us is that maybe, just maybe, we can meet each other on the bridges between the dark and the light so we do not have to walk it all alone. The light is waiting for us across the bridge.
Lara Peterson Coaching & Creations 