Ahhh, this popped up on my Facebook memory feed this morning. AS I read it I could remember how challenging last year was to feel joy and not just feel bone deep weary with grief. I felt wrapped in a wet, heavy blanket for most of the Christmas season. Everything felt off and challenging to do.
I am very, very grateful that I am no longer stuck under that heavy, wet blanket this year. Oh don’t get me wrong, I am aware everyday of Russell’s absence. But I don’t feel trapped by grief infused throughout my body. And I am enjoying the preparations for Christmas with much more ease and happiness this year. I find myself saying yes to a little bit more and am confident that the gifts I have found for the people in my life.
I share this today for those I know who are in their first year of grieving as a way to say “You are not alone. And you will, baby step by baby step, make it through.”
Even more deeply I am seeking to live in this time, this moment embracing the simple joys of this magical time.
I love getting gifts for people, especially at Christmas. I love trying to find just the right gift, something I know each person will love. I love the shopping for them, wrapping them, and putting them under the tree. I love watching them open it. It’s all just a wonderful part of the holiday season for me.
This year things are off. Oh I’ve had fun shopping for gifts and wrapping them. I think I’ve found some gifts that are ones people will like. A few are even ones that I know will be huge hits. But it is all just off.
As I check in with myself each day I notice the following thoughts running through my mind several times a day:
*What if I got all the wrong gifts?
*I can’t possibly have gotten enough yet.
*Maybe I should start over.
*What was it they really wanted?
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