“Hold it in. Don’t let them see you cry. Just let it go. Move on with your life. Get over it already. Push through. You’ve got to do your job. People don’t want to hear it anymore. Don’t wallow in things. Get on with it.”
These messages come through from somewhere. I don’t recall directly hearing these but these can run like ticker tapes through my head. I honestly have no one in my life who is saying these things directly to me. But somehow these “suck it up” messages are part of my thought process because I can hear them play in my head if I’m having a rough time that I just can’t seem to shake. The longer I try to hold it in, not cry and just keep pushing through the more of a mess I become. Each day that I try to ignore the depths of emotion welling up inside of me the less I am able to get much of anything done. As I shove things away, trying to stay focused on getting tasks done, it’s as if an internal top starts spinning faster and faster and faster.
Instead I’m learning to dive into the emotion, especially when it flares up inside me with the fierceness and quickness of a summer storm. When things finally come to a point that I must stop all I am doing and face whatever storm has arisen inside of me I am finding it is much healthier for myself and those around me if I completely tap out for a day and dive deep into the sadness and confusion before me. I am learning to stop listening to the ticker tape messages in my head replacing them with ones of self-love, care, and allowing myself to dive deep into the exact place I need to be in each moment.
Some would see my dives as wallowing in sadness, and some days I judge myself that way. There seems to be a time limit that is placed upon feeling deep emotions and the further out from the initial event the less time we should spend thinking about it or feeling the aftershocks of it. If you’ve got to cry again do it quick and get back to the task at hand. However my experience of allowing myself to dive into the emotion, feeling it as deeply and as long as I truly need to is that I am then able to be in a clearer space, a more healed place upon my return.
What amazes me is that each time I finally give myself permission to tap out of expectations to “suck it up and just keep moving” and dive into all that I am feeling, I come back out feeling more whole and truly ready to move again. It’s as if the dive into the murky, darker places of intense emotion shake things up to the point that I no longer feel clogged and stuck. I can almost feel my whole body shift as I cry, scream, feel and dive on in. I can hear that deep, inner self say “thank you for listening to me and honoring me.” I can feel love wrap around me as I say yes to me and what I most need.
I wonder what would happen if I gave myself permission faster to tap out and dive on into the emotions swirling inside of me. I wonder if I would be able to quiet those negative, ticker tapes running through my thoughts if I said yes to the quiet voice inside of me saying “taking the day off and dive in”. I wonder if I would feel better sooner and have less days that felt like I was trying to move through quicksand. Probably. It’s worth trying. I’m worth trying!