I have been sitting in my chair for a good 30 minutes trying to figure out what to write. I know only that I want to write this morning. It is a kind of tapping into my wellspring of inner self that provides more light for the path ahead. It’s as if, as I write, a few more twinkling lights pop on along the darkened path I walk making it all feel more magical. And magical is definitely a good thing for me. Magical makes me smile even when all I want to do is cry. Magical makes my feet tap a tune only I can hear. Magical gives me hope.
I have a good dozen blog topics in my journal as of this writing. Lots of ideas ruminate in my head all of the time. And yet none of these grabbed me this morning saying yes that’s what to talk about. My wanderings feel very squirrely these days, kind of bouncing all over the place. Settling on one course of action, one thought, one conversation, one anything is a most challenging endeavor.
I find I am impatient with myself these days. I see glimpses of new paths that I want to take and ideas I want to explore. They pop up like lightning bugs pop up in a summer sky. One second they are there bright as can be and I think “Yes, that is something I could pursue.” And then just as quickly they blink back out. It’s not the lightning bug, or the idea, is no longer there but seeing takes more concerted focus and effort than I really can or want to muster at this time and in this moment.
In the darker, more shadowy moments of my days I watch these fleeting light ups and my seeming inability to follow them leaves me worried I will never be able to move again. In these dark moments I feel as if I am no longer enough for myself, my kids, for those I serve at Avalon, for my family, for my friends, for the world. The simplest of tasks can still leave me utterly exhausted, ready to curl up under my covers and hide from the world. Working a full day only seems possible if I see few to no people at the farm. Following through on helping plan anything is more monumental than I realize until I get into the tasks and want to run as fast as I can in the other direction. I am second guessing myself left and right, often worried that I may never be a person others can rely on with any confidence again. I am so deeply into the rabbit warren of my own journey that I can often be startled that others are even around me. Even in those moments that I am talking and seemingly engaged in a conversation or a project, I will almost jolt awake realizing I don’t know exactly what is happening. It’s an odd, odd experience.
How can I possibly be enough for another person, for my business, for anything I am involved in when I can barely function in a conscious way each day? How can I possibly continue to try and run a business when I can’t even get the dishes done each day? How can I fathom taking on new students when I can barely be present to my current ones consistently? How can I move forward with new ideas for my business and my family when I can’t get through the basics of more than one day at a time? How can I help the kids look towards future plans for college or other life paths when just getting us out of the house to go play for an afternoon drains us all? How can I continue to guide the energy and heart of Avalon and my family when my own heart feels so very dark? These are some of the ticker tapes that run through my head each day. I listen to them. I honor the wisdom they are pointing to. And then I quietly and firmly try to shut them off from taking a stranglehold in my head.
What I slowly am coming to is that the how I can do things, the what I can do, is not what is important. I’ve been hearing myself ask “How can I be enough” yet the real thing I’ve been questioning is “How can I possibly do enough for everyone else in my life right now?” When I drop my expectation to be doing lots of things for others right now and simply do what I can, the tension starts to ease. What I need to and want to and plan to play with settling into is that I AM ENOUGH. My being present is enough, whatever I can bring right now. I don’t have to DO anything to be enough for my kids in the way they need me. I don’t have to DO anything to be enough of the energy heart of Avalon. I don’t have to DO anything for my family and friends right now, I just have to be there when I can.
Settling into BEING enough rather than worrying about DOING enough is something that makes me smile. I can picture the playing into that being like watching hundreds of lightning bugs light up the sky as I simply sit smiling at the little bursts of light. There is freedom in playing with being and breathing and being and breathing. Huh, maybe I can learn to simply dance following the lightning bugs. I don’t have to catch them or find them, just flit around from light to light listening to the music only the dark can bring. Huh?! Interesting thought to play with as I learn to truly believe…
I AM ENOUGH!